Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/Confused about my sexuality?
Okay, well, I’m Sara. I’m 18, and I have a boyfriend. Let’s call him Jack. He’s 26 (I know, bit of an age difference, but it works just fine. It’s not weird to me or anyone else who knows us), and he’s wonderful. I identify as bisexual, and my boyfriend knows and he’s completely fine with it. I met him about 8 months ago, and at the time I only wanted to date girls. I’ve never actually dated a girl, but I was convinced that I didn’t want any more relationships with guys. However, because I told him that I was bisexual, he continually tried to win me over. I fell for him pretty quickly, and we’ve been together for a little over 5 months. He’s wonderful. He’s sweet, and caring, and understands me and he’s always there for me. I really love him a lot. We have had sex and it’s enjoyable. He does turn me on quite a lot.
Lately though, I’ve been really confused again about my sexuality, wondering if this is what I really want. I’ve been thinking “Well what if I would be happier with a girl.” I also may or may not have a pretty big crush on his friend Amanda. She’s 18, too, and bisexual as well, and she’s so beautiful and sweet and funny and she’s a force of personality. She’s great and I’ve sort of developed a crush on her recently. :/ Jack has even said to me “I think Amanda has a crush on you. She’s ALWAYS gushing about you. To me. To other people. CONSTANTLY.” I keep wondering if I’m missing out on what would make me happiest. However, I really do love Jack, and it would kill me to hurt him. He’s always saying how no one has ever made him as happy as I do, and he wants me “for the rest of his days” and everything, and how without me, he’s “an empty shell of a person.” I would feel AWFUL hurting him. I never want to do that, because I really do love him a lot.
I’m really confused, though. I don’t want to break up with Jack, because what if it’s just a phase? Then I’ve destroyed a wonderful relationship and hurt him for no reason. But how can I know if I’d rather be with a girl if I don’t go out and do something about it? I would never cheat on Jack, but I don’t want to break up with him and hurt him like that, especially if I’m not even sure. And what do I do about my crush on his friend Amanda? What do I do? Please please help. I can’t sleep at night because I can’t stop thinking about this. :/ What if I’m actually a lesbian? Lesbians can love a man, right? But then they always say that they love who he is, and not his gender? And then they spend forever wishing they were with a female? That scares me, because I’m afraid what I have could turn into that. I am happy with my boyfriend… It’s just… sometimes I think about girls when we’re… in the act… and it feels like I’m missing something by giving up my opportunity to find a girl to be with. Which sounds terrible, but I don’t mean it like that. I just feel like I could be happier with a girl. But I don’t know what to do because I love my boyfriend…
Hi Sara, gosh let me apologise first of all. I had trouble with my account and didn't get notifications when I had questions pending so I wasn't aware of your message until now!
Perhaps the best place to start is to ask you how things are right now?
In any case, I'll dish out some advice for you based on your previous question.
I think humans will always be curious of the things they haven't tried. When it comes to sexuality if someone has a proclivity in them then they will always have a tendency to veer off towards that. Flip things around, if you were with a girl do you think you'd have the same yearnings for a man?
Your bf sounds like a great guy. Putting gender aside for now, imagine that Amanda was Jack's male friend. How would things be different if you felt you both had a crush on each other? I think the taboo and intrigue of trying something different i.e. a girl, might be clouding your judgement as to whether to pursue something with Amanda. Simply put, I'd advise not to get with your bf's friends - it's good practise not to do this as it can cause a lot of chaos.
As for your exploring your sexuality well, I think it will bug you to not experiment and discover this side of you. There are many lifestyles people could try out. I don't know if an open relationship/threesomes with girls are an option for you guys. If it isn't then I'd say remind yourself why you like Jack so much and try to make peace that you're with someone you love. I appreciate you didn't plan on getting together but the fact that he attracted you despite your reservations might speak volumes about your relationship.
Anyway, this advice might not even be valid anymore so do let me know what's new in your life at this moment and I'll update my advice accordingly.