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Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/im afraid to to come out to my mom and stepdad

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ive been living my life since july as a bicurious female. i have yet to experiment with a girl but so far i have come out as bi curious to my now ex boyfriend, my current boyfriend, and most of my friends in college everyone has been super supportive and my boyfriend is letting me experiment with girls without him involved. even though i havent experimented with girls yet i have experienced the rest of the bisexual lifestyle and ive been seeing girls in a different way than before i feel like im attracted to both girls and guys now. at college i dont have to hide my bicuriousity from the world i feel like myself and i feel free. theres just one problem im afraid to come out to my mom and stepdad. my stepdad supports the lgbt community the thing is that when it comes to lgbt politics we always butt heads. my mom is another story as well she says she is supportive of the lgbt community but she is only supportive of gay lesbian and trans shes not supportive of bisexual people. when i was dating my ex i told her that he is bisexual and she flipped out and gave me this look that said what do you think your doing she then went downstairs and i was heartbroken and sad. after me and my ex broke up i got with my current bf who is pansexual and when i told my mom what pansexual means she asked me "why cant you date a normal straight guy for once?" i tried not to cry in front of her but i was very offended by what she said and now im afraid to tell her im bi. part of me wants to just take my bisexuality to the grave and never tell her ever but at same time at school i feel like myself and free and at home i feel in the closet and i dont want that anymore i want to be out no matter if im at my house or at school its hard living this lie of me being straight to my parents. ive lived the straight life and the bi life and the bi life is where i belong it feels right to me. so heres my question how do i come out to my mom?

Answer
HI Rebecca,

Thanks for writing. It sounds like you're feeling conflicted about your identity and really want to lead the same life both inside and outside your home. Firstly, well done on being courageous to come to this decision.

It sounds like out of your parents, your stepdad is easier to win over. If this is right and you feel he'd be more empathetic towards you, I would suggest coming out to him first. It may help you if you feel like one of your parents has your back on this matter. He could also leverage things in your favour if your mum does not immediately approve.

I think the deeper question here is if your mum and dad would be OK with you being gay. Whether gay or straight, I believe if someone accepted you for one thing, there shouldn't be that much resistance if you're already within the rainbow spectrum. However I think people who have a problem with bisexuality believe that a bisexual is more promiscuous than a homo- or heterosexual. I believe the option of being attracted to both genders somehow means that a bisexual will be tempted everywhere they go. This isn't the truth. Just like how a heterosexual woman isn't going to sleep with every man she meets, a bisexual woman doesn't have to sleep with every person she meets either.

If this applies to your mum's case, she probably has the worry that you'll sleep around, catch an STI or worse. So I think before you come out to her, you need to reassure her that your sexuality won't ruin your health or your "morals".

I'd also question what it is about both men and women you're attracted to. Is it a physical attraction to both? Or a connection issue? Knowing yourself how you define your sexuality is going to be a key step in making others understand it. I've known people to just want one gender for sex and the other for love. There's nothing wrong with that, but at least they know their definition of "bisexual" for them.

You also need to communicate how you feel, and if she hurt you with her previous comments, let her know in a respectful way that you're still her daughter and that won't change whatever label you give yourself. Being "straight" today and "bisexual" tomorrow is no different if you're still the same person, the same behaviour and the same values.

Before you come out to your mum, spend some quality time with her. Reconnect. Get to know her as a woman and let her get to know the woman you've grown into. Preparing the way with good shared memories and activities will make things easier.

Finally, your bf and friends support you which is a great boost to your morale. Talk to them about this decision before making it and allow them to support you as they will be the one's physically and closest to you when you come out. You'll be able to lean on them.

I hope this has helped. Good luck!

Chrissy

Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens

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Chrissy S

Expertise

I can answer questions relating to coming out, relationships, dealing with men/women in romantic contexts and general anxieties about dating. I can also answer questions with self-confidence and presenting yourself well i.e. "love coaching" to make yourself as eligible as possible. I've also had a lot of examples when things have gone 'badly' and can advise how to make the best of things and get back on your feet.

Experience

Being openly bisexual I have experience in dealing with men and women and the nuances of being in relationships with both. I also am a bit of an old-fashioned romantic so have ideas and suggestions for dates and surprises, romantic etiquette and fun tailored to both men and women taken from my own experience (good & bad). I've also had many interesting adventures in the dating world which have given me a bit of rounded perspective with things. And having graduated from Uni I too am experiencing a transition from college to 'real world' dating which shapes my view on things. I've gone from a sofa Romeo to a real one (matter of opional!) which has taught me much about applying oneself to romance.

Organizations
University LGBT Society.

Education/Credentials
University and Masters graduate in Literature and Film Studies so I am well-read which gives me somewhat of a grounded 'academic' view on things. I've also read many books on Love, dating and related subjects. Likewise with movies. I'm also a bit of an old-fashioned nerd so am quite into a good date and know some hotspots in London, not to mention a good love poem which never went awry. Avid believer and reader of personal development materials so can help people with self-improvement or at least refer them to a useful book.

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