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Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/Telling her parents that are agiasnt homosexuality

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Question
I'm dating a girl long distant and her parents can't know we are dating because they will take away all ways for me and her to communicate because they are agianst homosexuality. We already barely see eachother and we have been dating 9 months. I really love her, she loves me to. We have gone through a lot such as her step mom calling me names because she knows I like her step daughter but what she dosnt know is that the girls has liked girls for a while. So it looks like I'm trying to "turn her" in there eyes. They don't know we are dating and in love. How do we tell them?

Answer
Hi Hailey,

Thanks for writing. It sounds like you're in a difficult position for two reasons: 1) A long distance relationship can be challenging and 2) her parents are against it.

I think I will tackle number 2 first. I don't know how old you both are, but it sounds like she is still living with her family and not able to move out just yet. This will make things very difficult for you both. How do your parents feel about this relationship? You talked a lot about her mum being against it but little about your own situation. One way to circumvent this issue is for her to visit you (if your parents aren't against it).

It is less of an issue about telling her parents that you are both together, but more about them accepting and permissing your relationship. Announcing your relationship may seem valiant but it could cause her parents to lock her away further.

Now, issue number 1. Long distance relationships require a lot more maintenance than close up relationships. I believe LDRs can work but there are some things which need to be tackled. Both people need to be 100% committed to each other. Both people need to schedule dates of when they meet in person and also Skype, phone etc. There needs to be an end in sight. Whether that means someone moves, or someone comes back, you both need a goal to fix. Otherwise it will feel like you'll never be together.

I think before you proceed with coming out to her parents, you and her need a strategy and a long term plan of where you want to take this relationship. I don't know how far the distance is, but travelling costs time and money. Do you have the resources to do this? Does she? Is school, age, job, or anything else stopping you both from being closer? These are questions which you need to examine.

I have been in a LDR as well, so I know what I am talking about. My best advice for you would be to think about the relationship's practicalities first before fighting against outside forces.

Hope that helps,

Chrissy

Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens

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Chrissy S

Expertise

I can answer questions relating to coming out, relationships, dealing with men/women in romantic contexts and general anxieties about dating. I can also answer questions with self-confidence and presenting yourself well i.e. "love coaching" to make yourself as eligible as possible. I've also had a lot of examples when things have gone 'badly' and can advise how to make the best of things and get back on your feet.

Experience

Being openly bisexual I have experience in dealing with men and women and the nuances of being in relationships with both. I also am a bit of an old-fashioned romantic so have ideas and suggestions for dates and surprises, romantic etiquette and fun tailored to both men and women taken from my own experience (good & bad). I've also had many interesting adventures in the dating world which have given me a bit of rounded perspective with things. And having graduated from Uni I too am experiencing a transition from college to 'real world' dating which shapes my view on things. I've gone from a sofa Romeo to a real one (matter of opional!) which has taught me much about applying oneself to romance.

Organizations
University LGBT Society.

Education/Credentials
University and Masters graduate in Literature and Film Studies so I am well-read which gives me somewhat of a grounded 'academic' view on things. I've also read many books on Love, dating and related subjects. Likewise with movies. I'm also a bit of an old-fashioned nerd so am quite into a good date and know some hotspots in London, not to mention a good love poem which never went awry. Avid believer and reader of personal development materials so can help people with self-improvement or at least refer them to a useful book.

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