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Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/Good for me, but maybe as just friends?

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To begin, I would like to state that I identify as pan sexual. However, I do tend to lean in the direction of genisexual. It's kinda funny, actually, thinking about how this girl I shared a few mutual friends with popped in just as I was figuring out who in my circle was toxic for me. Perfect timing I'd say. I've never really had many friends. She is intelligent. She is independent. She is kind, and quirky, and has the idiosyncrasy of sitting up all proper-like, lightly pursing her lips and batting her eyes as she settles in, as if she is a queen. She is horrible at video games, which happens to be her favorite activity. This girl is open, honest, says what needs to be said, a genuinely good friend. The kind of friend I've needed with all the reject and abusive relationships I struggled through in that aspect.    
    For the longest time, I thought it was okay if friends hit me, or lied to me,  or yelled at me, or bullied, stole from, threatened, and flat out blew me off like I was nothing. So I took the time to think:

" Do I crush on this girl just because she is nice to me?"

    The answer is a definite N-O. I had a previous pangender boyfriend who was shocked when I left due to his manipulative and controlling behavior. He kept trying to latch on to me, saying that he needed me. The week before he first confessed his feelings to me, he had written a love note to a friend of mine. The only reason he "loved" me was because I was there, because he was lonely. I'm not lonely. Not to say that that would be the only reason for loving thereness, kindness, or anything similar.
     I've known her for a while now. She asks all the time if I'm free that weekend so we can hang out. Not to say that my schedule really allows that with me working every Saturday and Sunday. She has no idea if she likes both genders. she identifies as grey-asexual. She's a friend. So why do I keep thinking about her even though I know she's off limits? Why do I have to be so freaking logical about this? I almost loathe the agony. I wonder what would happen if I just told her my feelings instead of holding out. I don't think she would with hold something like that from me. But what do I know? I have no idea how to ask a member of the same gender out. How to court one. How to act. If there is a "man" and "Woman" of the relationship thing. I'm clueless on this kind of thing. ^^'

I'm 16, if that helps in any way.

Answer
Hi Jupiter, it's nice to hear from you.

It sounds like you had a really unfair life up to this point. I hope your good karma catches up with you in the near future. If you'd like to talk about it more, feel free to contact me again.

If your friend doesn't know if she likes either genders (or even any gender since she may be asexual), I suggest you wait and see how it plays out. Talking too much and spilling your guts is as attractive as it sounds. If one day she realizes she's into women, I'm sure she'd tell you and by all means ask her out then. In the meantime, it'd be a good idea if you supported her as just a friend and nothing else and let her know your there to talk whenever she likes. If it's difficult for you to do that because you’re so emotionally involved, then for your sake you need to have some space away from her. It'd be a good idea to have a crush on someone who you know is into women and knows what they want out of a partner. You shouldn't just stay and wait forever for her to figure out what's going on, you deserve better.

If you were to ask someone out, you shouldn't feel like you need to act any more masculine/feminine then what you feel you are inside. You would be living as someone else and have their interests rather than your own. A lot of people feel like they're living a lie before they come out, in a sense you'd be doing that all over again.
The person who is right for you shouldn't make you feel as if you need to be any more or less masculine/feminine that what you already are and wouldn't want to change you for anything. Two masculine girls can date each other, just like two feminine girls and a mix of the two. There's no "right" way for any two people to date each other; but there is a wrong way which would involve you not being your true self to them.

Don't over-think asking someone out or going on dates. Simply asking them "do you want to go out?" is good enough. If you like, try wearing something that shows your interests and what you like (ex. a T-shirt from a concert/band you like, a winter hat with a cool character on it). It shows more about the person who you are and could use it as a conversation piece if it gets really quiet and want something to talk about.

Best of luck with everything. If I can answer any further questions or can help clarify anything please don't hesitate to send me a follow-up message.

Take Care,
Josh :)

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Josh Hawkins

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I am a gay man and a recent graduate of an Adult Psychology program and graduated with honors. As a result, I would like to assist anyone out there with any type of challenge that they may be facing. Before I list the type of questions that I may answer, I would like to encourage as many follow-up questions as possible. I'm not here to help you once and leave. I'm here to help you with your challenge every step of the way, until it's 100% completed. Some of the examples of types of questions that I may answer for you include: coming out, various questions of the gay community as a whole, negative feedback, how to handle stress and the emotional roller coaster you may be on.

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I have studied in the post secondary education program of Adult Psychology taught at International Career School Canada. While studying in this program, I have learned comprehensive knowledge on a wide variety of psychology topics. Some examples of the types of topics covered in the program were: learning about the views of emotion & how it is linked to motivation, how we learn and the long term effects based on it, the process in which we think and how we affect others with it, how to control stress, how we are all individually different, our personality behavior, how to improve and change our behavior, and how others affect our feelings and happiness.

Education/Credentials
I have graduated with honors in the Adult Psychology program at International Career School Canada. I also have a second major in General Business, completed in College. In High School I have earned: The Business Certificate, a Certificate of Outstanding Achievement in Science, and a Certificate of Outstanding Achievement in Religion.

Awards and Honors
I have graduated in my Adult Psychology program with Highest Honors and a 97% overall average.

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