Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/Figuring out sexuality / Coming out?
QUESTION: So I'm 14 almost 15 and going into 9th grade, my parents do not support gay people at all, I wouldn't say there homophobes but there close to it, are family is Mormon so being gay is frowned upon to say the least.
But in 8th grade I met this guy in one of my classes and at the time I had never even considered that I might be gay, but over time I started finding myself glancing in his direction more and more, and wanting to be around him to talk to him but I was to shy and the strange fealings I was having around him made it harder, anyways after some time I realized that I my feelings towards him where more than the desire to be friends and I started to think that maybe I was gay, it's been about 4-5 months since then and over the summer I've really started to miss him, I've still never really talked to him but I want to really badly (even though he has a girlfriend) and since then I've started thinking more and more that I'm gay but I'm still not sure, there no one that I can talk to about it everyone I know is straight and doesn't support gays and I'm to afraid to talk about it with my school counselor.
I'm afraid if I tell my parents they will get mad at me or even kick me out.
Is there some way to help me find my true sexuality, and if I'm gay how should I tell my family and when?
ANSWER: Hi Jacob, it's nice to hear from you.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the stress that this has caused you. I don't have any type of agenda or goal whatsoever, so if you ever feel like catting with someone about this or anything else (other interests) I want you to feel free to shoot me a message and we can go from there.
Lots of young adults question their sexuality around their teenage years. Puberty would have been going on and ending so you learn more about your body during that time. If you find yourself attracted to guys (and turned on by them) you would generally be considered gay. Some people may experiment with someone in order to know for sure, others know they're into the same gender without having to do so because there was never any doubt on having any attraction to the opposite sex and they always were attracted to the same gender. There's no one size fits all answer when it comes to people. Everyone's different so everybody learns what their sexual orientation is at different times and different ways. The best advice I could offer you is to continue having an open mind towards everything and to be patient, the answers are coming.
Also, I would like to say one more quick thing in my reply. I know you mentioned how you are a Mormon. Unfortunately, I know how difficult it could be to be anything but straight in the Mormon community. I would like to suggest that you at least consider speaking with a gay friendly pastor in your area. They wont likely be Mormon, but they will be able to offer a nonjudgemental ear and offer some advice if you feel your relationship to God is being affected by you possibly being gay. If this is something that you'd like to consider, you can find a directory of LGBT friendly churches by going to www.gaychurch.org. you may want to send an anonomyous email or make an appointment to chat with one in person.
Thanks again for the message. Again, please feel free to message me about anything on your mind at all, I'm pretty talkative and always up for a chat.
Hey, just realized I didn't touch on the topic of your parents in my reply..
I would suggest that you only concentrate on one issue at a time, and it's best if you first understand your sexual orientation first and think about your parents after. I would suggest however that if you tell them (you always have a choice not to) you do so when your financially independent of them. If you think they may kick you out of the house if they knew, tell them when your old enough to afford rent at an apartment so you don't end up homeless or in a shelter.
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QUESTION: Thanks for your help, at this point I've been able to decide that I'm probably gay, and I've been thinking about coming out, not to my parents but to my sister who has several gay friends and supports LGBT people, I think that she thinks I'm gay already and she's told me that she would support me if I am, anyways should I come out to her? I'm very nervous to and kind of hesitant but at the same time I just want to tell the whole world, ya know?
Also I have a hard time being around some of the people that I have to be around like Scott leaders, and church people, cuz they talk about getting married and stuff and I don't know why but it grinds on my nerves and sometimes I just want to scream at them.
Any advice you could give me would be great.
ANSWER: Hi Jacob, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you.
It's great that your sister is accepting of LGBT people. I think coming out to her would be a good idea. I would usually suggest that you first come out to someone who you wouldn't get any surprises from (boring and predictable is good at the beginning), as well as someone who would help you keep control over the situation (such as not outing you to others). If you think your sister fits both of these requirements then I think you should do it.
As for you being around church people. People in a way are very similar to food. Food can be either overall positive for you or overall negative for you. For example, if you eat at McDonald's you might have a piece of lettuce on the burger but it's overall not good for you. If you were to eat at Subway, the meat would be processed but it would be overall good for you. People are the same way. I suggest that if someone is influencing you overall negatively then you cut them out of your life, or at the very least in your case; minimize the time you spend with them. If you don't want to come out to them and tell them why you disagree with them (which may not be the smartest move at the moment); you may want to play along and limit the time you spend with them instead. If you come out to your sister, tell her how you feel about these people. It would be good if you had some support and it sounds like she would be that type of person.
One final note, I want to comment on the fact that you would like to scream at these people who assume you’re straight. The worst thing you can do at a time like this is so suppress your emotions and act like they're not there. When this happens the emotions will surface eventually, it may not be at the right person or appropriate situation, but they will surface eventually. Something that could be considered a small issue could have you explode with rage because your feelings are beginning to surface. Instead, I suggest you let them surface under your own terms. Some options you may want to consider are; talking to your sister (assuming you come out to her), write/type in a journal/word document and destroying/deleting the document after, talk to people anonymously and vent to them, talk with a LGBT friendly religious individual (you can find one in your area at gaychurch.org), explain your anger to them. Regardless, doing something to let these feelings of anger surface would be a big benefit to your stress at this time.
Sorry again for my late reply. Be sure to keep me updated with how everything progresses.
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QUESTION: So I told my sister today and she took it really well, she was just like "Oh...," and then she said she wouldn't tell anyone and told me not to tell mom or dad until I move out.
I'm really glad to get it off my chest but it's also made me kind of nervous for some reason, I don't really know why though...
Anyways thanks for your help, I'll try to tell you if something happens.
Hey There, it seems like everything went as good as it could have.Some people need a few days to adjust to the news sometimes. Since it's been a couple days is everything still going smoothly between you two?
I'm sure it was stressful just saying the words 'I'm gay' out loud for the first time. I tell people when they contract me that after they come out or do something as stressful, they take a second to reward themselves some way. It doesn't have to be big or expensive, it could be something as simple as going to the movies, see a concert or have a night out with friends thats bigger then average. You did something very brave and you deserve to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself.
Let me know how everything goes going forward. I think your doing really great with everything.