Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/I'm Broken
QUESTION: Hello Josh, thank you for attempting to help me with my problem, thought I doubt even an expert can help someone like me. My name is Damian and I'm a 17 year old pedophile.
Normally I have great control over my thoughts and actions, but for a few days a month it feels impossible, especially when it come to this. I don't know where these feelings and thoughts came from but recently I find myself paying far too much attention to young boys. Every time one of these deplorable thoughts invade my mind I try to shut it out, but I've already had it.I don't know how to make them stop. Whats worse is that people trust me and leave children around me all the time despite my best efforts to prevent it.
Recently while I was at a friend's house who is aware of the fact that I can't , he left me alone with his brother for a bit. I told him not to but not why, so he left. I'm ashamed to admit it but his brother is extremely attractive to me and i can't trust myself around him. But while we were playing a game, his brother reached across me and brushed my arm, and I shuddered. It felt amazing, so I decided i needed to sleep it off in my friend's room. But he came in there and said he was concerned. I tried to send him away but he wouldn't go and I really didn't want to have any more physical contact with him. While he was talking I fell asleep and when I woke up he was snuggled up against me. I freaked because I thought I had done something horrible and i pushed him off the bed hard. When he got up he asked what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him! He jumped back in the bed and started tickling me and I pushed him off and yelled at him to stop, but then he bit me and I froze and he licked my neck and I bolted for the door. I couldn't be there anymore because I almost lost control. I know I can't possibly be right in thinking that my friend's younger brother tried to come onto me because he's only 10! I've stayed away from him since but he tries to be close to me whenever he can.
Anytime I feel an attraction to anyone who's more than 2 years younger than me I hurt myself in an attempt to dispel the thought, but since then it hasn't been working as well. I'm worried that the only way to stop it may be to rid the world of me...I've never considered suicide seriously, but if it will stop me from hurting someone I'll do it. I'm giving myself to 21. If by then I haven't gotten full control over this, I'm done. Please help me stop me. I'm willing to answer any questions in you have that can lead to fixing me.
ANSWER: Hi Damian, it's nice to hear from you.
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, I was much more busy then usual the past couple of days.
First of all, you need to stop hurting yourself period (If you’re not able to stop then you need to see a Psychologist right away). This is already a difficult situation, and that's just making it worse. You won't be able to stop this by hurting yourself and its better if you put your time and effort into a more productive way.
Next, you need to stop putting yourself into situations where your around young children and would be tempted. If you find yourself around them, you need to leave immediately before something happens. It doesn't make any sense for you to be around them, feel tempted and to risk making a mistake that you'll end up regretting, so it's best to leave the situation before it escalates.
Helping a Pedophile on a more individual level isn't something I'm qualified to do. In order to successfully resolve this you need to speak to a Psychologist. They have been much more fully trained then I have on this situation. Please reach out and trust them. Also, please be very careful when accepting the 'advice' from anybody else either online or in person who is not professionally qualified to assist you. I encourage you to seek help as quickly as possible. I also want you to know that most if not all Colleges & Universities have free counseling included as a service on the side to help their students. If you’re not able to get help now, I would encourage you to get help when you’re in College/University. It does however come at a cost, financially (as in tuition - obviously), but more so with the time and feeling like this for another year or two before you could have a sense of more control over this. It is of course your decision to choose to either get help now, or get help later, but I want you to have all the facts available to you. As I mentioned earlier, if you’re not able to stop hurting yourself then you will need to get help right away.
There is also one more point that I would like to touch on. Helping people is a behavioral science. It's not so clear cut that you have succeeded when helping someone as it is in other parts of life. For example, it's not as obvious as doing Biology where if the heart is beating then the person is alive, or a mechanic where if the car is moving it's working and everything's good. If someone were to say to me here on the website that they feel incredibly stressed and I give them some suggestions - for example exercise and getting some sun; even though they have both been scientifically proven to decrease stress, it may not be what would be most beneficial to that person who contacted me. Instead, they may need some time away from work, get a new job, more time with friends, watching their favorite movie with bowl of ice cream, etc. Everybody's different, sometimes there are a handful of solutions that could work but since we're all unique it might take some time to find out which one works best for the individual person. I'm saying this to you as a plea to not give yourself a deadline of when you expect to have this under control and would kill yourself. There are a lot of people out there more educated then I am who would be willing to help you and wouldn't give up on you until everything is resolved. If you’re willing to keep fighting, then they would be willing to be right beside you through all of this and wouldn't quit on you either.
Best of luck to you. If I can help any further, please don't hesitate to send me a follow-up.
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QUESTION: Thank you, Josh and I apologize for burdening you with this, even if you do not consider it so. I began looking into psychological help a while ago, but simply need to get it without everyone finding out. I have confided in a few fends who have decided to help me with control. Again, thank you for the swift response.
Hey There Damian, it's nice to hear from you again.
I forgot to mention something in my last reply to you that I'll share with you now. I want you to know that even though you have these feelings, I don't think you’re a "bad person" by any means; not even close! I think it's great that you’re able to show concern about the young kids who would be a part of this and not just think about your own desires. I think that's something commendable and important to keep in mind when you’re going through a rough time. You’re not a "bad person", you’re a good person who unfairly has to deal with a bit of extra stress in a way that an average person does not.
It's great that you trust some friends well enough to share this with them. Just as a friendly quick reminder... a lot of people are really bad when it comes to keeping secrets. A lot of teenagers are still maturing as well. My point is to be careful with who you share this with, it could blow up on you really fast if you tell the wrong person.
College/University would be a great way to take therapy without anyone finding out and it would be included in your tuition too. If you don't plan on going to school, some companies offer it as a benefit for their employees and if that doesn't work, you might just have to pay for it out of your own pocket and go by yourself once you reach the age of majority.
I hope that you have stopped hurting yourself since you read my last reply. It's very important that you do that immediately. Please keep me informed with how everything is going.