About Shane Expertise I can answer questions regarding all aspects of gay life; coming out, growing up gay, religious aspects, family issues, dating questions, and sex and health questions.
Experience Growing up in a gay, conservative and religious environment, I have had many life experiences in dealing with discrimination and have experience as a peer health educator with a non profit health organization talking to LGBT youth / young adults.
Organizations AltaMed - Peer Health Educator
AltaMed is an organization that focuses on educating the hispanic/latino communities regarding different aspects of health. I help gay and lesbian youth and young adults discussing any hardships they are going through, answering questions about STD's, and discussing any issues they may have, so that they can have an outlet for whatever they would like to discuss
Question Hey Shane! Man, you're being the most helpful person on this website! Ok, well since I wrote to you last time, I've gotten a boyfriend, been kisssed by my girlfriend on the cheek, kissed her on the cheek, and missed her really bad, because she flew to the Western States for Christmas. But the wierd thing is that I'm from Texas, my girlfriend is from Texas, and so is my boyfriend. Umm... is it wrong to have aboth a boyfriend and a girlfirned at the same time? I mean, my girlfriend and I have been going out since October the 26th, but my boyfriend and I have been going out for just two days now, only on the internet and talking through the phone. But, is it wrong? I mean, my boyfirned knows about my girlfriend, but she doesn't know about him, or about me being bi. I don't wanna tell her either, bacuse that would freak her out and break her heart. I love them both too much to hurt them. So, what should I do? And is it wrong to have them both at the same time?
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So, I mean, why do I get boners when I watch gay porno, or look at guys that are hot, and not when I look at straight prono and girls that are considered hot? Is this like an unaswerable question, or is it something that delas with my brain, and the way it proceses things?
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Thanks for telling me that stuff! Yes, I am a guy, and yes I do get aroused (boners or hard on, whateve you wanna call them) when I look at gay porno. I don't when I look at straight porno. Also, I don't get hardons when with my girlfriend, I just get uncomfortable, and nervous. But, I do see myself having sex with guys, and I want to. I don't really wanna have sex with girls, unless it's to have kids.
Also, I wanna move to England, because atleast there, the gay community is more open and accepted. I mean, I love Europe, and I LOVE EuroPop, or Dance Club songs! I could really live the life I want to in England, particularly London. But yeah, oh also I have two friends that I am starting to really like, and one of them is my best friend up here in Philadelphia, while the other is my best friend from down in Georgia. I don't hear from my friend (Ryan) down in Georgia anymore, but I told my other friend (Brett) that I might be bi, and he basically told me to just try and hide my feelings for guys, and also to just forget about them. In addition, he told me that it was against the Bible to be gay or bi, or whateve. Is it? And how do I come out to him if I am bi? And what about me liking him? I can see he and I getting together, even though he's straight. Is that a normal part of being gay? Oh, and what should I do about my dad? See, my whole entire family is strictly Christian, and i am a Christian too. But my dad found out that I had made a myspace saying I was bi, and then he went all ballistic, AND he told that bitch he married who is called my step mom! She hates me to begin with, and I know that if I ever get into a fight with her, she'll bring this up, because in fights SHE has to win because SHE'S a bitch, and she causes you as much pain as possible! She also get historical in fights too, using your screw ups from the past to make you feel bad. She's a total and unconfined bitch!
Sorry for cussing, but that's the way it is with her.
But bac to my dad! If I am bi, how can I come out to him, and more importantly WHEN should I come out to him? I mean, he'd prolly kick me out of the house, and he said that he'd cut my dick off if he ever found out I had sex with a guy or even got anything that could lead to sex from a guy. I'm so lost! What should I do?!!
Oh, and also, I just moved up here to Philly recently, and last year in November (2005) my mom went to jail. She then went to S.A.F.P. and now she's in a halfway house.
But like, from the end of may, to the October the 26th I attempted suicide 6 times, because of all of this stuff that's going on in my life, and so yeah my life is crazy.
Oh, and should I tell my best friend Brett that I like him, or what? Can you please help me?! Please/! Thanx Shane!
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Hi! I've got guy friends that I like, I've got a girlfriend, my whole family is strictly Christian, and I'm really worried, becuase I think I might be bi. Can you help me figure out if I am bi or not?
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Hi Dakota:
I hope this response finds you well and in good health.
Only one person can figure out if you are bisexual or not, and that is yourself. By your name, I can't determine whether you are a boy or girl as Dakota can be used for both, but it sounds like you are a guy who identfies as straight, and have a girlfriend. If this is not the case, please correct me.
How can you find out if you are bisexual? Well, the first thing you have to is not be worried about it! There really is no reason to be worried about anything at this point. You first need to discover who you are, and this takes time and experience!
Ask yourself some questions:
Why do you think you "might be" bisexual? Are you finding guys sexually attractive? Do you fantasize about men when you masturbate or have sex? Do you tend to look at male pornography and find it sexually arousing?
The second thing to do is to start exploring. Find out what is pleasurable to you, and what is not. Perhaps you think about being with guys, but if you do it, you will find out it is not for you, or you may find that you really enjoy it. You can only find out with experience. Try different things, and explore your sexuality. It can be quite interesting!
Don't be worried about choosing a sexual identity right away: Straight, Gay or Bisexual. Let your experiences and time decide how you choose to identify yourself, and hopefully you will choose an identity that closest fits your lifestyle and sexual preferences.
I hope this helps you out, and I wish you a wonderful holiday season, and Merry Christmas!
-Shane
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Dear Dakota:
I hope this response continues to find you well.
In regards to your coming out, the first thing you need to do, is to become comfortable with yourself and your own sexuality. In the first email that you had sent me, you stated that you wanted to figure out if you bisexual. You need to take time to explore this, and determine for yourself what your sexual identity is. If you are not excited by sex with women at all, maybe a bisexual identity is not for you. But only you can decide this. Once you become comfortable with your sexuality, then you can start coming out to others.
Now, in regards to coming out; you never want to come out when the situation may prove to be dangerous! For example, in your question you stated that your dad said he would "Cut off your dick" or "throw you out of the house", so it probably would not be a good idea to come out to him while still living under his roof. The time will be right, but not when you may have your livelihood or safety in jeopardy. When you are in a safe environment, and not relying on him for shelter, then it might be a better time to come out to him.
In regards to your liking your friend, it doesn't sound like he shares your same values, and even though you may fantasize about him and you being together, if he is straight and you tell him your feelings for him, you are risking to lose his friendship. Remember, that if he is straight, you will never have a relationship with him. If he is a true friend to you, he will encourage you to be yourself, and that he will support you whether you are straight, gay, bisexual, monosexual - whatever! But it sounds like you may lose your friendship with him if he believes that gay relationships are a sin or against what the bible teaches.
Above all, keep the faith that God does not make mistakes in who we are or how we are created. Don't lose hope, and please please please do not attempt suicide! The best is yet to come!!!! :)
Take care and I wish you all the luck in the world!
-Shane
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Dear Dakota:
If you are finding that you get an erection by looking at gay porno, or hot guys, but you don't find yourself being sexually aroused by women, then perhaps a gay sexual identity would closest fit you.
Again, this is something that you can only identify yourself. Of course it has to deal with the brain! Did you know that the brain is the most sexual organ in the body? Your arousal is dependant on things you see, hear, feel, etc. If you look at a woman, and your brain does not find arousal in that, then you won't get hard, because the brain is not telling your body to send blood to the penis to get an erection.
As I have said before, take your time in exploring your sexuality and don't be afraid of trying new things.
-Shane
Answer Hi Dakota, thank you for the compliments. I hope the holidays found you well.
First, I am concerned in the fact that you said you have a "boyfriend" that you have talked to only on the phone, or internet. I think it would be more appropriate to say you are "chatting" with someone over the phone or internet, but the term boyfriend would not necessarily be a term you want to use if you never met the guy in person. For all you know he could be lying about the things he tells you, so you want to meet this person in person and find out if you want to pursue a relationship with this person as your "boyfriend".
Now, if you do have him as a boyfriend, you have a responsiblity to tell your girlfriend that you are not being exclusive to her. You don't necessarily have to tell her that you are dating a guy, but you have to tell her that you are dating other people, because it would not be fair for her. She has a right to know about the people that she is going out with, just as you would want your partners to be honest with you.
This way both her and yourself can make decisions about how you want to move forward in your relationships. There is nothing wrong with dating more than one person as long as everyone is honest with each other in what they are doing.
