Expert: Kay Date: 5/28/2008 Subject: I Need To Know If My Husband Is Bi Or Gay
Question QUESTION: I need to know your thoughts on this. My Husband and I have been together for 9 years now and married for 5 of those years. Everything was fine up until about 2-3 years ago. We went from hacing sex every single day, several times a day, to 3 times a week, then twice a week, once a week and then every other week. I was getting fed up with this, he knows I am a very sexual person, so I would ask him why he never wants to have sex and he always uses the excuse that he is tired or stressed from work. Well, we talked to his doctor about this like 2 years ago. The Doctor gave him Viagra, but that really did not work. He also started having erectile dysfunction problems with me. He would have a hard time getting erect, no matter what I did and Viagra did not help. What also puzzles me is, all these years when we would watch adult movies together, he always loved watching girl/girl stuff. The past two years, he always like to watch either oral or guy/girl and the weird part is, he always orgasms when the guy on the movie is having an orgasm. Then, last year, I caught him talking to guys online while he was "playing games". I had installed a program on his computer (which he knew about), because a year prior to this incident, I found out he was talking to other women online, in a sexual way and even signed up for a site to meet women. Thank goodness I caught him in this the day after he signed up for this website!! Anyway, so after that I installed a program on his computer to log things. I guess he thought it was just there and could only log chat programs. Well, I checked his computer the one day, and saw all of this talk in this gaming room, and this talk had gone on for several months. I was starting to trust him again, so I had not checked this program very often. He was talking to all of these guys in these game rooms and he was saying he was bi or that he was gay and he would be very explicit in the chatting, describing details about being with men and how much he loved it etc. Anyway, I flipped out of course and even went to a Lawyer to get a Divorce. However, with the cost of divorce and since I do not work, I could not do it. He promised me that he was not gay or Bi but I still cannot get over the things he has done. I just have this gut feeling that he really is gay or bi and does not want to admit it. I said about going to counseling, and he said ... "I would just tell them that I am not gay and that I do not like men and that would be the end of it". Those were his exact words. So, I think even if he is gay or bi, I think he would lie to a counselor. Or, am I over-reacting?? I don't know!! I do not know what to do. I just know that if he is truely gay or truely bi I do NOT want to be with him!! Do you have any advice for me??
Thank you in advance.
ANSWER: Hello "Need to know"
Well, it appears to me that you have your answers.
Had you not told me that you read all of these things about him chatting with guys and telling them he was gay, I would have a lot to say.
However, since that is not the case, all I can say is that the answer is right in front of your face.
Of course its easy to say "oh no it was lie or I was playing" but you read what he wrote and I am a firm believer that everything means something. If it was worth it for him to write about it for months or in a game room that he is Gay or Bi---It is true!
Of course, this is all my opinion. In the end, I can't tell you what to do but you need to look out for yourself. Unless he came up with a logical explanation, I would work my hardest getting away from him.
This is inexcusable behavior. Of course you can forget about it but if it ever happens again, it will be your problem that you didn't deal with it.
Also, what bothers me is that, he knew you installed a program and was suspiciou, WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
Importantly, what would make a man write in a gaming chat room that he is gay or bi? It doesn't even make any sense.
Sorry to come so hard down on your husband but this is such nonsense. He really got caught with his pants down.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much Kay for giving me your advice on this!! I have not talked to ANYONE about this. First reason of course, is because it is embarrassing for me. I cannot exactly go up to friends or family and tell them all of this. When I did catch all of the chat going on in these gaming rooms, and I contfronted my Husband, that is what he told me. He said "I was just playing around", and he said "I was just joking", and "I was not even doing anything, it was all just words". He said the last phrase, because he was very explicit in these chats saying that he was masturbating etc. When I asked him if he did, he kept saying "No, I did not, I was just saying that, I was not really doing it". I agree with you when you said "why would a man n a gaming room say he was gay or bi". I questioned him on this too. I said why would a straight man, even say that he was gay or bi? He said, "well, you said I was not allowed to talk to girls online, so I was just talking like that to have someone to talk to". He basically gave me a line that he was lonely and that I don't give him enough attention. Still, ever since this happened last year, it is ALL I think about. I think I am starting to become haf depressed from it all. I am not positive, but I feel that way. Also, when I questioned him as to why he does not like to watch girl/girl movies or just one girl movies anymore and I asked why he always likes to watch intercourse with a guy/girl or oral with a guy/girl, he said, it's because that is what I like. Then this past weekend, when we watched another adult movie, again, he orgasmed right when the guy did, not when the girl did. So, I have been pissed ever since then because I am like, here it is again. I just did not or don't know if that is normal. I would think straight guys enjoy women orgasming over men orgasming right??
Is there another way that I can go about finding out if my husband is truely gay or bi?? Is there a way to go about asking him again? Or is there anyway I can try to find out for sure if he is gay or bi?? I just need to hear your thoughts on this above stuff one more time. Once I hear back from you, I will go from there. Thank you so much for responding to my first post!!
Answer Hey,
Oh gosh, After reading what I wrote, I have to apologize again. You know what? I ususally don't tell people what to do. I think hearing one of my friend's "worst boyfriend story", I took my anger out on your husband...
Anway, well, to answer your thought about not talking to anyone about this, just know that since you didn't make your question private, anyone could read this question.
Well, I can understand your embarassment because it's not something that most people go through.
Gee, if he was deprived of attention why not...maybe chat to some females? NOT A GAMING ROOM! Games are for kids. Also didn't you mention that this wen ton for month?
Well I can' say I agree with you over his choice of porn and with the theory of men wanting to see women orgasming when the man.
Because we are all different there is no one way to enjoy porn.
As for your last questions. There is no true way to finding out if one is gay or bi. He should just tell you, if that is the case. Yes, you can always find different ways to ask him if he is gay but keep in mind that the question is very straighforward and its not something that you should need to keep asking him. At this point, it's going to be that you trust him or not or even believe that he is not gay?
So, right now you are dealing with Trust and Belief
