(I'm a 22 year old lesbian/bisexual, and have been in a relationship with my 22 year old partner. Despite freinds at surroundings i've been in, have never had a promiscuous personality)
Just recently i've been having a few issues with myself personally in the relationship. I've been with my beautiful gf for 2 years now and its been insanely terrific. After contemplation after school and a few bf's during school (very minimal connection. I felt as though i was competitive or wanting to be who they were rather than wanting to kiss or cuddle them. Held hands with a few and only kissed one out of about 5 bf's during school.) I had crushes but i think they were just that. Once out of school i discovered my feelings for women. They were something totally different of infatuation, romantic thoughts, total care and wanting to spend every waking moment with them. Had 2 gf's since school, both were reasonably serious. In this time id come out to my parents. They were not supportive. Told me how i was making my life harder and how i couldnt make my decision if i hadnt had proper relationships with men. TO be treated like their one and only and have that strong supportive relationship and get married. Following that there was a lot of lies and deceit, trying to keep my family happy thinking im straight, while trying to make myself happy staying with my gf. Eventually my sexuality became swept under the carpet with the hope that when i do find the right person, il be able to tell them again and they'l understand and see how i feel.
That time came and i found the most incredible person. My current partner i'd met about 4 years ago through one of my ex's. Since the day i met her, there were intense crazy feelings for her. It was intrigueing, we both had partners but i was so taken by her. I knew from the start that we were meant to be together at some point. I cant describe the feeling, it was just there. 2 years later circumstances arose where we were able to finally get together, it was brilliant and since then we have had an incredible loving relationship. I could not ask for anything better or dream of anything better in a relationship. This was it. Time to remind my parents of who i was, despite the fear of messing up my relationship with them again. I was determined they'd understand.
I brought it up with my mother in a mature way told her how happy i was. She proceeded to tell me the same things as before, how can i be truly happy in this relationship if i hadnt had a real relationship with a man. That im making my life harder and i dont know. I kinda felt like she was making me feel its just a silly phase and shouldnt be taken serious. I should move on get out, and find a real relationship. I didnt agree, my relationship was brilliant.
Since then however, i feel as though i have created issues for myself. I have been going though many motions trying to work out what i am doing with life. I have been having self doubt in my sexuality, where as prior to this conversation i had been very out and very proud and so in love. But now i feel like iv been convinced that what my mother said is true. And i cant let my mind let go of it. Its escalated terribly. I'v gone through motions where i've thought i have had to leave my partner (which i really didnt want to do) to go try relationships with men. OR am i attracted to men at all. I feel like i've been convincing myself into it. I have close males freinds who i share everything with and i still dont connect "romantically" with them, but i keep considering what relationships with men and having this 'normal' life would be like. Doing what i'm 'meant' to do. All these thoughts have been going back and through my head i dont even know where i am at the moment. I become hesitant to even talk to men, just incase i like it, because i dont want too. I jst feel like i've been convinced of it. And i see all my straight freinds and i just want to fit in with them, and be like them.
They are all extremely accepting and my sexuality plays no role in my freindship with them. I'm certain that i still love my partner. I cant think of life without her, and I can see myself growing older with her and starting a family. We have spoken about our futures together and both look forward to it, and we have spoken about all these issues i have typed here and she is still standing proudly by my side. How can i help to disassociate these thoughts and move on. I just want to live my life happily with her. Share everything with her and be the partner that she deserves, because at the moment i feel that while i am having these thoughts I am not being the partner she deserves, nor being the person i want to be. I do have a tendency to over analyze and dwell on things far to much, so how can i let these things go and continue the great family life that i have created with my partner. I just need to find peace in my sexuality and relationship.
I look forward to hearing from you with any advice
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ANSWER: Hi sarah,
Your situation sound so like how I am. Basically you are having this big fight with how you feel and what you think you should be doing. And this is all thanks to SOCIETY.
If we tend to do things differently and other don't understand, its automatically wrong.
You are still young but you are doing to have to learn to trust in your self.
I would think that if you were interested in men, you would have already found someone that you WANTED to mess with.
What happened is that you are worried about what others think but importantly you are putting too much thought into it.
I always tell people that its not really hard knowing if you are really gay or straight.
You don't wake up gay over night and you definitely don't turn straight the next morning.
You are being pressuered into thinking that you need to mess with a guy to know if you would like him.
Funny thing is when I see a girl that I like, I DON'T even have to know her or talk to her to know if I like her because I can feel it a MILE away.
So, why would I need to TRY to be with a guy in order to know if I like it.
That's almost like someone telling you what you should and should not like.
That's crazy.
1. You need to accept your self as being gay.
2. Stop worrying about what others think.
3. You had 22 years to mess with a guy. Don't you think you would have messed with any random guy by now, if so called like them?
4. Be true to your self but don't hide behind your parents. When you are ready, and only when you are ready, tell them the truth and if they can't accept it, you are going to have to move on. Of course you can spend to you are 80, convincing people that your lifestyle isn't wrong but who do you really live for?
be good.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you kay
I think they were things i was feeling but its hard to be convinced of it unless you can see it in black and white. Your right 22 years is enough to muck around with someone if i wanted too. I think the biggest thing was since iv been out of school iv been in relationships with women. "Not giving myselef the chance to experience reality with a male" But i guess since being out of school iv only wanted to be with women. Being young at age 22 shouldnt be a barrier to knowing what you want??
Really impressed with this site, cheers :D
Answer Hey,
well yes we should all live and experience but it should be with things that we want to mingle with?
For example, if your parents are telling you that you need to mess with a guy to know if you like them, I can say "Well, sarah, you should smoke some weed because it is good for you and there has never been any study that proves that its bad for you".
Would you still try it? Well, if you know that you wouldn't want to smoke weed, you would say no. You don't need to try to know if you like it.
The same thing goes for relationships. If you liked men, your body would have already called for it. However, if you think you need to date men, try it.
