AboutMichael Hernandez Expertise I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.
Experience I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues [http://www.otherbear.com]
Organizations belong to National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.
Publications I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.
Expert: Michael Hernandez Date: 6/19/2008 Subject: Ex-Girlfriend problems x 2
Question I need to try and sort my life out or i really don't know what i am going to do or where i am going to go.
I was with my ex ex for 4 years. After 2 i wanted to leave because i didn't feel the love from her. She is very emotionally detached and i became irrational and insecure never having support or comfort. After 3 years we decided to adopt a baby together and i thought that this would be what we needed. Except it wasn't she worked all the time and i was basically like a working single mum - she ran a bar. in the last year that we were together she proposed to me in front of entire family and even asked my dad for permission. It was right after we had argued and i said that i was leaving. We split 6 months later. I wanted to end it i was so unhappy being with someone that even after 4 years had paid me about 2 compliments? never hearing 'i love you' except as a reply? no i had to let go.
A month after we split she got with a girl who was working under her - seems to be a pattern because she's been the manager of all her gf's - and even though she's lied and said that they didn't get together till 3 months after we split i know it was 1 month because of certain things i found in 'our' bedroom when i went back to pick up stuff once. they moved in together last month - 6 months after we split.
So i have all that heartache - yet i have to be nice because of our son. Which is also a big heartache to me - i never wanted to be a single mum - my ex promised me lots of things when we got our son. none of them never materialized.
then i met a girl 7 yrs my junior 4 months after i split - never wanting it to be serious - it was the most intense serious emotional exhausting relationship I've ever had - we split after 5 months - she practically lived with me - then we got back together for a month - then i found out she as flirting with girls on the Internet after swearing undying love for me. so we are not together now but i love her.
I am so lost - i have this deep unhappiness i can't seem to pull out. i don't want to be with anyone but i want someone to be there. my ex ex has hurt me so deeply but i can't do anything - I've written to her, talked to her, still i get that same old blank face.
My ex at the moment loves me more than life itself but i am so scared of getting hurt i almost feel sick thinking about being with her.
I have given up my lifes dream of being an aid worker - i actually tore my visa up for India the day we got our son - now i live in a crappy apartment in a dead-end town.
My ex ex is so selfish and unreasonable - i cannot say anything to her.
I need help - i have been to a counselor but it didn't seem to work.
Its like i just need my ex ex to reaffirm that i meant something and that she did care and love me. Right now i feel like i have a 4 yr relationship which is being disregarded by everyone. i know its been nearly a year but i am fed up of telling everyone i am unhappy.
Where have i gone because i can't seem to find myself. I lost myself a long time ago when i was with my ex ex - making myself stay to make it work. and now i am somewhere in love but unhappy.I don't want to be with anyone i just don't want to be lonely. And all my friends are busy with their girlfriends.
What can i do? I'm sorry its so long.
Answer Dear Phoenix:
Thank you for providing such detail. The main issue that I see is that your ex ex is not going to affirm anything. She didn't during your relationship and she certainly is not going to do so now.
The best thing that you can do is continue therapy to get to the root of why you need her validation for anything. I doubt highly that your family has disregarded the 4 year relationship. You have a child which is kind of hard to ignore.
My recommendation to you is that you try to get some support or assistance from your family regarding child care and that you return to school or some type of program to get back on track as an aid worker. That is your dream and there is no reason that you can't pursue it. It may mean taking an online class here or there until your child is old enough to go to day care.
Once you start focusing on you, your child and your future, instead of what the ex ex is unable or incapable of giving, you'll start to see the silver lining. If she is being utterly unreasonable as to the care of your son, you may want to seek legal advice to see if something can be done to compel her to contribute.
The right woman will come along. It may not seem like that now, but there is hope. Just hang in there.
