About Vaughn Gardner Expertise I can answer most questions regarding coming out as an older adult, coming out from having been in a het marriage, discrimination in housing, being transgender (I`m a 51yr old, ftm transgender pre-op), keeping a long term relationship alive, having been in a butch-femme dynamic relationship, involvement in the leather community, coming from a Christian background and being gay, now being a pagan/Wiccan. If I don`t have the specific answer as a rule I know where to find it on the Net.
Experience I've been out for 12yrs (1994-2006) this time (came out when I was 21 and then went screaming back in the closet and the church) and have faced several different kinds of issues. The questions I've mentioned I can answer related to the kinds of experiences I've had since coming out.
Organizations:
Ministerial credentials with the ULC PFLAG APA (American Psychological Association) Undergraduate Student Afiiliate Member ACA (American Counseling Association) Undergraduate Student Member
Expert: Vaughn Gardner Date: 6/12/2008 Subject: to breakup or not to breakup
Question I have been in a relationship with someone I truly love for over 4 years. He is very depressed and in denial about his depression. He has lost his job and about to lose everything. He punishes me when bad things happen to him as if he resents I am not going through what he has. I have asked him to move in and let me help him get back on track. He is downright mean to me, ignores me while paying attention and showering others with gifts and attention. We haven't spoken in a week. When he has made a mistake he never apologizes and gets angry at me. I have learned the angrier he is, the more he has wronged. I know I need to leave him, but can't help but try to 'save' him. He won't admit that he is depressed. He has been out of work for 6 months and hasn't even responded to the job leads I have given him. He sleeps most of the day and night and watches tv during the rest of the time. I spends the minimum amount of time with me - was coming to spend the night around 11pm and leaving at 8 am. We haven't been intimate in at least 5 months. He claims to have no libido, but attains erections and looks at porn, but uses this excuse for why he won't hold my hand or pushes my hand away when I put it on his knee or try to hold his. Do I run?
Answer Son,
Run? As a lover and partner, YES! As a friend (no benefits), Maybe No. I'll explain why but first I have to say something.
You said: "I know I need to leave him, but can't help but try to 'save' him. " Don, you can't save him, can't change him, can't make him happy, can't make him into the person he wants/needs to be. Only he can do that and that means accepting the fact he's depressed. Until he does that and then gets help nothing will change for him even if you were to stay lovers with him. Living with him would be emotionally and perhaps even physically dangerous for you and of no help to him. So lay that idea that you can save him, down and let it die. Can't happen and in truth must not happen for his sake.
Okay, why run as a lover and partner? It's like I said above I believe you would be in emotional, mental and physical danger. People in depression do things that they might not do otherwise and since you've said he's mean to you, punishes you, when things don't work out I truly fear for your well being.
If you don't live with him and can keep your emotions under control and safe, then I'd say remain friends providing he does not abuse you in any way (yes, we know he has reasons for why he's doing whatever but that doesn't make it right, safe, or even legal for him to do so - everyone has choices in behavior). Basically, your part as a friend would be to listen and talk. It would not be to take him as a roommate, it would not be to pay his bills or his rent, it would not be to abused in any way or taken advantage of but you could help him move to where ever, take him to counseling, even take him to a job interview. In other words you can be ONE of many in a support system for him but not his crutch. And by the way, sometimes leaving someone to flounder, fail, and crash is the only way to be a support. Not a happiness in thought or feeling but a truth none-the-less.
By the way, from everything you've told me I'd say he has depression setting in with all the symptoms. He really needs to get help - professional help. So you've been very insightful in this regard and now I think you should be wise and distance yourself for both your sakes.
Listen Don, I wish I could have given you a 'happier' answer but in truth I don't believe there is one. I can, however, offer to be here for you as you go through this. So feel free to write me again any time.
