About Vaughn Gardner Expertise I can answer most questions regarding coming out as an older adult, coming out from having been in a het marriage, discrimination in housing, being transgender (I`m a 51yr old, ftm transgender pre-op), keeping a long term relationship alive, having been in a butch-femme dynamic relationship, involvement in the leather community, coming from a Christian background and being gay, now being a pagan/Wiccan. If I don`t have the specific answer as a rule I know where to find it on the Net.
Experience I've been out for 12yrs (1994-2006) this time (came out when I was 21 and then went screaming back in the closet and the church) and have faced several different kinds of issues. The questions I've mentioned I can answer related to the kinds of experiences I've had since coming out.
Organizations:
Ministerial credentials with the ULC PFLAG APA (American Psychological Association) Undergraduate Student Afiiliate Member ACA (American Counseling Association) Undergraduate Student Member
Expert: Vaughn Gardner Date: 6/26/2008 Subject: call it quits?
Question You have been so helpful and told me to run. I know that was the best advice. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship where my boyfriend of 4+ years takes out his anger on me, punishes me by not calling or seeing me, then tells me he loves me only to repeat. Our therapist has even validated me ending the relationship. I feel as if he has died (in which situation, I could do nothing to help him or save my love and my relationship). I can't help falling back on the fact that thankfully he isn't dead and I CAN do something, so shouldn't I. Every once and a while, he will go back to his old self and we have such a great connection again. I have never seen such anger, hatred and rage as when he is depressed and it is only and always focused at me. He said he is going to the therapist, (refused to go back with me - only going to try to 'fix' me), but has yet to call him. What do I do, should I cut bait? This is killing me, I love him still. He won't separate himself from a friend that is dragging him down and I don't think I can be involved if he has any contact with the friend and that won't happen. Give it to me straight (ok - gay).
Answer Hey Don,
Okay here tis... Cut Bait.
It's like you said, there are times when he is okay but when he's not, he goes back to the old behavior. Until he gets serious and really gets actively involved with taking control of his own life and emotions, you don't need the drama or the pain it causes you. And still even then, it will take time for him to reprogram his behavior so he doesn't automatically react in violent(physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally)ways. So even if he goes to the therapist tomorrow and starts working on his issues, you still don't need to be involved as he works it out to the point he can be consistent in his behavior.
See that's the thing about people who get abusive, until they're forced into taking action, they count on those who love them to put up with their garbage and do nothing. As long as you do nothing and stay with him, he has no impetus to change and there's no guarantee that even when you do leave that he'll change. But I guarantee that as long as you remain in his orbit, he won't seriously do anything.
So there ya go, Don. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow and difficult as all get out to do but you've got to take care of yourself and sometimes that means removing yourself from an unhealthy situation. Remember I believe in you and am here for you.
