AboutMichael Hernandez Expertise I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.
Experience I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues [http://www.otherbear.com]
Organizations belong to National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.
Publications I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.
Expert: Michael Hernandez Date: 6/29/2008 Subject: makingout with my bff
Question I have always been very attracted to boys. but when it came to kissing them, i really wanted to but i always got nervous. with my best friend merissa, it was so easy and simple.
it all started with a girl we knew in 4th grade. this girl played a game with merissa where they rolled around and made out hot and heavy. no joke... 4th grade.
then in 5th grade merissa became sabrina's (another girl she knew) "girlfirend". she confessed to me that they made out regularly in bathrooms, empty classrooms and so on.
Some part of me wanted to experiment, you know, play around with another girl. someone who could help me learn how to kiss, how to touch. someone who wouldnt judge me. merissa hinted about wanting to kiss me.
we were having a sleepover a few days ago, and we did more than just kiss. we exploreed eachothers mouths with our tounge and made out really hot and heavy about 5 times in an hour. this my be a little ehhmm... x rated but we rolled around in my bed and i got 2 hickeys from her.
now she treats me just like she did before, but i feel attracted to her like never before. she turns me on just like my (now)X-boyfriend, and shes way nicer to be around than any boy ive ever known.
But now im so confused. part of me wants her to be my friend, part of me wants to be her lover and another part of me wants to relive that night again and again, her lips, her touch... mmh... anyway, what should i do? what remedy could soother the burn i feel to have her lips on mine? what can i tell my parents? my mother, who smokes and drinks but spits on anybody whos is anything less than perfect? and... what can i tell merissa, who thought we just messed around and forgot about it in the morning? please, i dont know who i am anymore. i feel like i so spread out (misunderstood gothic freak/perky adorable cheerleader/hot girlfirend to the quarterback/lesbian chick on the edge)im spread so thin a single touch could break me.
i have scars from cutting and depression already, im enough of a freak already. can you help me deal with this new problem... please?
Answer Dear Kristen:
Since you have depression and use cutting as a means of release, do you have a counselor or mental health professional that you can talk to?
My fears are as follows - if you go to a school counselor, they may call your Mom. The key here is to get answers without having your parents involved.
Teenager years are difficult. There's more pressure at school than you would ever feel in the world at large. I think that with Merissa what is key is intimacy. You already had a close relationship with her so when the make out session started it was better than anything else. It's what I call chemistry. It makes what is typically really nice beyond wonderful.
My greater fear is that Merissa may mess around a lot like that so that night may have meant something different for her than it did for you. I'd hate for you to take something that she says or does as rejection that then sets you into a tailspin of depression and cutting. That would really be awful.
It's not wrong or freakish to want to repeat an experience that was pleasurable on more than one level. The goal her is to find yourself. What you like. What you don't. And to grow from each experience. It's not wrong to love or find love. Love sees no gender. I can't say the same for the rest of the world. People who are different, be it gay, lesbian, bi, trans, goth, etc., are still treated less than fairly.
I doubt that you are the freak that you think you are. I definitely know the feeling. I wasn't your typical "girl" in high school. I tried to be - to please my parents, to do what I thought was expected of me, to be "normal". I was miserable then I found women. Lived as a lesbian for awhile and was happy for the most part before coming to the realization that I was really a "boy". Transitioned 17 years ago and now look like the man and feel that I always was. That being said, I'm not like other men. I was never like other women. Although I'm very happy these days, but on occasion I do feel like I'm walking Like I have to heads at the top of my neck. So trust me, I know what it feels like to be a freak.
That being said even freaks can have happy healthy lives. More often than not we feel wierder/more on the outside than other people perceive us.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is that it's just a matter of getting through the things that seem overwhelming to get to the other side where the better days are more plentiful than the bad days.
Everything seems so damned magnified in high school. Lots of pressure from peers. Every little thing is scrutinized. Everything is a mountain instead of the molehill that it should be. It does get better as you get older, particularly if you find peace with who you are and realize that there is no right and wrong where that is concerned. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Feel the good and the bad. If you can learn something from each experience you will find your inner strength.
The best advice that I can give you is to follow your dreams. Work hard to get to the thing that makes your heart light be it writing, art, mathmatics, clothing design, whatever. Focus on the stuff that makes you happy.
Get out - go to college or trade school or apprentice to some fantastic ____________ (fill in the blank) - live your dream and get out from under Mom's thumb (particularly the drinking and spitting part).
You don't need to be perfect. You just need to do your best on any given day.
Until your head space is where you can take a "no" from Merissa (there's a 50/50 shot here), I wouldn't broach the subject. Try a google search in your area. There may be a GLBT youth center or organization that you can call to see if there are peer groups or counseling available. Try finding someone that you can talk to face to face to work through some of this stuff.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Get to the bottom of the depression thing and see what you can change that will make you happier on the whole.
I wish that there was something that I could do for you. The best I can offer are words of encouragement. This too shall pass. It WILL get better. You just have to hope and want and dream and survive the bad days.
