AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays, lesbians, bi, trans people--especially teens; why living “out” is the hardest best thing a person can do; current dynamics of religious/political issues.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and twenty-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very active in local, state, and national politics
Organizations HRC
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
PFLAG
Publications AGLOW Western Horseman
Publisher's Weekly
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Education/Credentials 2.5 years undergraduate
25 years professional writer/speaker (fifteen for religious publishers)
10 years of seminars & workshops
Expert: Michelle Date: 6/18/2008 Subject: respecting my partner in public
Question Hi Michelle,
I have been in my relationship for about 5 years now. My partner and I have had
some difficult times with the way I handle situations about our relationship in
public. When people ask if we are sisters I always say that we are friends or "room
mates" which is just not being respectful of myself or my partner's relationship. She
is at her end with me despite our love for each other. Tina can no longer take my
avoidance or lack of recognition of our love. I don't blame her, I just don't
understand why I fall into this homophobic mode about myself. Why do I care what
people think? What am I afraid of? We were both in heterosexual marriages in the
past and have children that we have blended into a house hold. I become paranoid
of my children's friends or parents knowing. Have you gone through this before? Is
it something I can go to counseling for to overcome? I need advice desperately on
this issue. Please help.
Kim
Answer Hi Kim, welcome to the closet door.
Yes, you can go to counseling, and while I am a firm believer in counseling, you might be able to overcome this on your own. It isn't easy, but it takes an adjustment to our mindset...and it is something you can do. I promise. Why do you fall into this "homophobic mode?" Because we have been trained all our lives to be there. Also, maybe you live in a region where there are a lot more people who you think will be uncomfortable or even confrontational. Not an easy thing to overcome...and I think having kids makes it that much harder for some of us.
Yes, I have most definitely been there, and no exactly the emotional and physical response you have just at the thought of having to say it out loud to people. It is gut wrenching.
Let's start with the kids. I am assuming that they are fully aware of the fact that you and your partner are together and you are lesbians? If so, tuck a nugget into your heart and mind...this means that other people already know. Kids tell a best friend or someone...and that someone tells someone else, and so on. If the kids know, there are already other people who know. If the kids don't really know, then the two of you need to sit down with them and talk to them about it, let them ask questions, and let them know that while you have no plans to take out a full page ad int he Sunday paper, you are going to respond to questions by saying, "this is my partner" (or whatever term the two of you choose). Let them talk about how they feel about it, and if they are afraid of what other kids are going to say, don't play it down...don't tell them "Oh they won't do that" and don't say "sticks and stones"...let them voice their fears, and then talk about the fact that sometimes kids can be really hurtful, but we shouldn't base our lives and how we live and being honest on what other kids will think or what they will say. Let them know that other people tend to grow when they are around people who are different from them...so people like us help other people grow. Sometimes, even though it isn't fun, sometimes that's our job.
If the kids do already know, and have told a couple people, if this is going to be a new way for you to respond, it is going to be a new way for them to respond as well. Talk about it as a family, and talk about how we should not be ashamed of who we are, and we might even help someone else by being honest and open about who we are.
And now for you. I live in a small, agricultural, extremely, EXTREMELY conservative community. Once a day in our letters to the editor, there is a letter about America "departing from God" and how "republicans believe in family, church, community." So I was pretty certain that we would not only be the town token (only) lesbians, I was dead certain that the kids and us, we would be rejected and reviled. Nothing of the sort has happened.
It was much easier for my partner to be out here, she moved here to be with me...so she had no past here, no roots to rip out, no relationships to worry about. I, on the other hand, had my church (lost that) friends in that church (they aren't entirely comfortable around me), people at work, family. And yes, Kim, I will be honest with you, I DID lose or have some of those relationships change. For many of them, they suddenly treated me with a new reserve. I had one at work tell me she could never let her kids come to my house because of "her beliefs." You would think it wouldn't bother me because her kids were the kind you wouldn't want at your house--they were extremely spoiled and very bratty and very frustrating (work parties)...but it still felt like a skillet to the face. She had known me for eight years, knew that I had raised my own kids very well, and my partner and I were the strictest, most conservative parents we knew with curfews, house rules, chores, responsibilities, dating...all of it.
I started to understand something not just about those people but about myself. First of all, if those people liked and respected me before I came out, it was a fake person who fit into their comfortable little box they liked and respected--it wasn't ME. They just liked the fake version of me...the one I didn't like. I also started to realize that they deserved my pity, my actual concern...because they were so dangerously hypocritical. This woman at work said she couldn't let her kids come to my house because of her beliefs. I knew a lot about her because before she found out I was a lesbian, she actually confided a lot of things to me. Things like letting a woman live with them that was on drugs, and having sex with guys indiscriminately. Things like she and her husband lying to her her father in law about their money situation so he would keep helping them financially, and then they would go out and buy a "race car" and a Nintendo wii, to the point where they declared bankruptcy, which they also lied to him about. She never called it "lying", but when she would tell me what they "had to tell his dad" (mind you, this is a couple in their late thirties) I thought, they are lying to him and getting money out of him because he feels bad for them..." the list of what I knew about her goes on, and I started to realize that I was fearing judgement from the wrong people.
We do that. We fear judgement from the wrong people. Not that I am judging her, it is just that I realized that we are ALL human beings, we have no right to judge anyone, we all have our areas that we don't agree with how or what someone does. And others cannot and do not live our lives for us. I started to realize that by burying myself in the closet, I was allowing other peoples' comfort zone to dictate how I lived my life. How I treated my partner in public.
And here is the big thing, Kim. If you are "room mates," "friends" in public, it starts to turn into that at home. You can't keep flipping switches and be a "friend" or a "roomie" in public and be a lover, a partner at home...not for long. Our hearts and brains are wired to be what we portray. I've seen it happen to countless couples.
We talked to the kids first, and let them know we were not going to be hiding or disguising our relationship any more. We would introduce the other person as our partner, we would answer questions the same way. We assured the kids they were welcome to represent us as they were comfortable. Our then thirteen year old son was the most afraid. He was afraid the kids would tease him, and all three kids wondered if people would think they could be gay. We were honest and said, "they might."
The kids were hesitant at first, but not for long. They soon found out that even in our tight little community, the other kids thought "that is so cool!" Our son was soon dragging kids home so he could pull them in front of us and say, "This is my mom, and her girlfriend." If he thought the kid maybe still didn't get it...he would say it again, "her GIRLFRIEND." (I didn't like that term as much as partner...but hey, we told them to use what they were comfortable with). The eyes would go wide, and then they would say, "Wow!! Cool!!" Then they all wanted to eat and have fun. Not a big deal for kids. We did have one parent who said her kids couldn't come to our house, and Kim the funny thing is, the only parents who did this with us were the last ones you would think of. I kid you not...it was a parent who was a known alcoholic, she was arrested several times for bar fights, was just the most confused person I ever met. So, the funny thing is, it isn't who you think it will be...I never did figure that out. In fact, our youngest daughter dated a baptist minister's son, and he and his wife came to our house the night of the prom to take pictures and enjoyed the evening with us. That doesn't mean they "agreed" with our relationship...it just means they weren't the kind to judge.
We went to parent/teacher conferences together, and at first, people were surprised, but never once did we have a negative reaction. For many, just the opposite.
The more people we told, the more I realized the most amazing thing. People took their cue from us. When we were hiding it, when we were "friends" people were MORE uncomfortable because they suspected the truth, but felt they had to watch what they said for fear of either offending us or "outing" us. When we were able to just be matter of fact about it, "this is my partner" then people were just as matter of fact about it. Some were even excited about it. LOL Yes, there are a lot of people who get excited about it. Like the woman at the jewelry store when I was shopping for a locket for my partner...she asked if it was for a friend, or a sister, and I said, "No, it is for my partner..." She smiled very excitedly, said, "OH!! That's so great!" and helped me with such great enthusiasm you wouldn't believe it. Then, about a week later after I gave my partner the locket, we were passing by the jewelry store and the woman practically ran out of the store to say "HI MICHELLE! Is this your partner??" (Good thing it was...LOL)
I have learned a lot by going through this process. A lot about myself, my kids, other people. I've learned that people really do take their cues from us...if they believe I am ashamed of or embarrassed by it--then there must truly be something wrong with my relationship...if I am very matter of fact about it, they just take it as an established fact...which it is...and to be quite honest (again) Kim, we have a lot of people who respect us as parents, as a family, and as community members. In the midst of those letters to the editor, I wrote one about all the fears and pain I felt about our state supreme court decision to uphold their "Defense of Marriage Act." The amazing outpouring of response in our community floored us. Even if people didn't necessarily agree with us, they told us they understood it in a different way.
I won't lie to you...it doesn't become "easy." Just because we are human and we do think about what other people think about us. That is normal...natural. And we know some people DO think bad about us. But Kim, it has been so worth it. I stopped having to be careful about how I worded things. I saw people start really treating us like a family...because I was finally able to say, "we are a family."
Take it a step at a time. Don't get mad at yourself if you can't do it every time...but start doing it. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at some of the responses you get...including the "well duh!"s. LOL. You will get a couple of those.
It's okay to be afraid...but do it any way. You will be glad you did. And if you really think you CAN'T do it, then yes, go get a counselor who can help you through the process. Either way, I am sure you will be very happy you did it.
