Expert: Kay Date: 7/4/2008 Subject: Am I a bad person who needs to change?
Question Hi. I really need someone to talk to. I am a 26 year old bisexual woman. I was in a romantic relationship with a male inmate who was serving life with the possibility of parole for murder. We started out as friends, and over time we developed feelings for each other. He told me he loved me every day, and made me feel special and loved. I have always been a little "different" and never thought I would find someone who loved me for who I was. I told him from the beginning that I was bisexual, a feminist and
a very non-traditional woman. I am very independent and free spirited. I am also a very willful and opinionated woman.
Everything was going fine until he "found God" and then he suddenly told me I would have to change everything about myself. He said that I would have to give up my independence and learn to be more "submissive" because that is what "God" expected from women. He wanted me to marry him and have children with him, even though I told him I didn't want children. He said that being bisexual was a "sin" and I would have to give that up as well, and ask God for forgivness for leading such a "sinful lifestyle".
I ended up breaking up with him, even though it was extreamely difficult to do. I still love him, but he became unbearably controlling and possesive, and tried to turn me into something I am not and could never be.
My self-esteem has taken a real beating though. I have never been a religious person, but he frightened me by telling me that he had seen what hell looks like, and if I don't change my ways I will go there. But I can't help that I am attracted to women(I have been since as far back as I can remember) or that I have a more dominant personality. I love living on my own, having a career etc And I love women too. DO you think that makes me a bad person? Did I do the right thing by breaking up with him? He started to belittle me and put down my opinions. He said that I should never challenge or defy him because a good christian woman is "subject to the authority of man". I know that is in the bible, that goes against everything I believe in and that I was taught. I was always taught that all people were equal, and that we were all deserving of equal rights regardless of color, gender, sexual orientation etc.
Aside from hurting over the break up, I am hurting over this as well. He managed to make me feel like a bad person. He also said if I didn't change my ways I would never meet a man, because men don't like opinionated women and only like bisexual women for sex. Can you help? Thanks so much.
Melanie
Answer Hi,
I remember the days when I was talking to someone that was locked up. They always said the right because they were lonely and needed that companionship. Its very easy to get caught talking to an inmate.
WOW,
Well everyone has their own view on religion and its a very "testy" subject but I would say to never altar who you for no one, unless you wanted to.
Lets say you were bisexual and maybe he was becoming a muslim. You should still never become a muslim, wear heavy clothing and be more submissive for him.
Yes, it's always easy to get frightened or question our sexuality, when someone throws the whole "religion" in our faces. I think its because there is either not too many people that we know that are gay and we tend to worry about what others think.
May I suggest you watch a movie calld Zeitgeist. You can watch it online or order the dvd to watch on your own.
I would say go to google and type it in. THere should be a link to watch it for free. They have a very interesting piece on religion.
No, you are not a bad person because you like women. You have to stop worrying about what others think. I had the same issue. I used to beat myself up over the fact hat I liked women. I knew this all my life, but continued to sleep with boys my age and was taken advantage by men that were old enough to be my father.
One day, I just realized, shit, I am who I am. Yes, I can go around here and sleep with Tom, Dick and Harry and it would just be a vicious cycle, because I don't like men. I tried that game but I never feel as comfy as I do when I am with a female.
Yes, you did a good thing by breaking up with him.
This guy seems like he has some major issues with authority and its not the 1920's. Nor can one, base everything on a bible that has been tampered with. I am not saying that I don't believe in God but with all of this non-sense going on, who can you trust.
I think people are people and we all exist for different reasons. There is no mistake that people are gay. I know I didn't just wake up and say "hey, today, I think I will be gay", so that I can go through all of this bullish that we go through...just for fun".
NO NO NO,
it doesn't work like that.
Yeah, its easy for one to make us feel bad when we are not secure in our own bodies.
1. YOu need to work on your self and accept the fact who you are.
2. Stick to your feelings and not allow anyone influence you. Especially, someone in jail. People that are locked up, come with alot of game. SOme get their GED's others because priests, others do alot of studying of some trade so that when they get out they can be productive citizens.
However, keep in mind that most of those guys are full of crap because they talk a good game in side but as soon as they are out side, most go back to the lifestyle that got them in there.
I don't think that is true, there is someone out there for all of us. Yes, there are man that like to feel like they are needed and there of other men that love women that are dominant. Yes, there are men that only like bi sexual women for sex but I have a cousin that is married and she told him, when they were dating that she like to occassionaly sleep with women. He was cool with it. So, again, there is someone for everyone.
