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About John of AllFaith
Expertise
Have you been told that God rejects you because of your sexual orientation? Its a lie! God loves you just as you are. I'll be happy to share the truth with you and to answer your biblical questions. Neither the Bible nor God condemns committed same gender relationships and marriages. I can also share information on most other biblical topics as well. Also visit my Grace Inclusive website for many of my biblical studies on this topic.

I prefer questions of a spiritual/religious nature. If you are seeking dating advise and similar topics you would do better to ask someone else.

Experience
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from JKFU, three Christian ordinations and a degree in Interfaith counseling. I am the owner of allfaith.com. I have studied these and related topics for over 40 years and am happy to share with you.

Education/Credentials
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from JKFU, three Christian ordinations, a degree in Interfaith counseling.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Feelings of Guilt and Fear

Gay/Lesbian Issues - Feelings of Guilt and Fear

Expert: John of AllFaith - 10/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: For over 10 years I've been in love with one woman. She is in love with me as well. We both acknowledge that we are very much in love with each other. We are both committed Christians and leaders in our churches. She's an ordained Baptist preacher and I am a licensed lay preacher in the Episcopal church. I feel like she hates the fact that she is Lesbian. Whenever we are intimate it is WONDERFUL but then she is overcome with TREMENDOUS GUILT and becomes very angry with herself and wants to end all communication and contact. Although I don't share her sense of guilt and shame, I've always tried to respect her beliefs and let her go. However, the time apart doesn't seem to last. She always comes back and I always take her back because I love her deeply. But without fail we wind up on the same roller coaster ride. There is nothing that I can do to change her religious beliefs and her sense of condemnation, guilt and fear -- and there is nothing either of us can do the change the fact that we are in love with each other. Our relation has never been just about intimacy. She's described me as her soul mate on occasion. We seem to complete each other and find such peace and comfort in one another's presence. She is determined to not be in a relationship with me yet she continues to express her love and affection to me only to be overcome once again with guilt and fear. I don't want to lose her. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her but it is too painful to continue with things as they are. She's unwilling to talk with anyone like a counselor or at least she has been in the past. She's not willing to hear or consider another view of what scripture 'means'. It is so hard to believe that God brought us together to experience such pain, anger, frustration and heartbreak. How do I walk away from the person I believe God gave to me as my life partner? Or should I continue to stand on what I believe and allow this roller coaster ride continue? I am so confused about everything, except that I LOVE HER, DEARLY! I've told her that I cannot provide her with peace only God can give her peace with who she is and I pray that God will give her peace. Is there anything else that I can do? It is so hard to let go, but it hurts to hang on, too.

ANSWER: Hi Gentle,

My heart goes out to you both. I have known many people in your situation.

I see no easy solutions here. The Bible absolutely does not reject committed same gender unions but if she is unwillingly to look at the twisted verses there isn't much you do besides pray and be there for her. I have studies on all the abused verses posted at http://allfaith.com/Grace .

Would she (or you for that matter) consider a non-sexual permanent relationship? In the past this was done in such cases. You would in a sense live together as celibate nuns but at least you would be spending your lives together.

I think you must decide if this roller coaster is worth the pain and act accordingly.

Best of luck and love,

~ John of AllFaith

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How realistic is it to be in a celibate relationship with someone you are attracted to sexually? We've considered that as an option but when we've tried that we wind up being intimate eventually. She says that she allows the intimacy to take place because she knows that I desire the intimacy, which is true. I don't believe God is calling me to a life of celibacy but I'd be willing to try but it is definitely easier said than done. I guess the real question is how do you overcome the desire for intimacy when you are sexually attracted?

Answer
Hi again,

--- How realistic is it to be in a celibate relationship with someone you are attracted to sexually?

It depends on the person.
We all have different levels of sex drive/needs. I'm not actually suggesting this, but it is one option.

You are both in a difficult situation.

As for how such things are possible, we humans can do far more than we think when we have to. Keep your eyes on God and pray.

~ John of AllFaith

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