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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Terrified of being gay
Expert: Kay - 10/27/2009
Question
Hi
I don't know if I am discovering a strongly repressed homosexuality or suffering from an obsession, or both.
Going to start therapy but am curious of your answer.
I'm male, have always been in love with women, since I remember there was always a woman on my mind. Never had I thought of being gay until I was 19, when the idea just popped into my mind, I had not had any sexual encounter, not even kissing at that time. The idea of approaching women was terrifying and always paralyzed me (extreme painful shyness)... I was very shy in having male friends also and had until then only just a couple very close ones.
At 19 I suffered something like a psychotic break due to this idea... was the most terrible thing I could imagine happening to me. But whenever I thought of loving a man, after the initial resistance in my mind, something would move very intensely.
I decided to put that 'away' as an obsession, after some quick advice I received
The year after I fell in love and kissed for the first time, it was amazing, after a short while we started making passionate love and the relationship lasted for a couple of years. One day, out of the blue, I finished it, I was unsure and thought I needed to explore sexuality with more women.
It took me 7 years to fall in love again, after having a short relationship and casual sex with women. I was always looking for the perfect one, since I was a child.
Now I am 30, have been in a relationship for 3 years that has been amazing, but I have always suffered from sexual craving and masturbated a lot with porn in a sometimes compulsive way.
Recently I got involved with another woman and my girlfriend accepted my exploration, I have been secretly in love with her for 15 years, on and off (she is my stepsister). She had mutual feelings and we agreed to explore, it was the time to choose between them and It became excruciatingly difficult for me.
After a few night of sex with my 'affair', it felt strange and I decided to stop and go back to my girlfriend.
That instant the old fear suddenly creeped in, out of the dark and I panicked.
This was a couple of weeks ago an I have decided to stop both relationships and work this out.
I have not felt clearly sexually attracted to a man ever, but in these days, when I picture myself close to one in a romantic way.. my whole being starts to quiver with a sense of opening and simultaneous doom, all of what I have thought I am and want will crumble.
I have read stories of people discovering homosexuality in a later time of life...
It is almost easier for me to define this as an obsession and try to put it away... the other option of exploring with men is too terrifying to conceive, I start contemplating suicide.
What moves when I see a man and open to the possibility is like a rush from my belly to my chest, a feeling that terrifies me to death.
Any advice on how to work with this?
What does it should like to you?
Thanks,
A.
Answer
Hi
I think you would benefit from speaking to a psychologist. Your basically afraid of being gay and that is normal for people when they are confused. I think the most important part is that you need to be true to your self. Regardless of what you are epxloring you know what turns you on and what doesn't.
You need to decide if this is a life choice or a phase. Can you see your self spending the rest of your life with a man and living with him as a family or do you see your self with a woman?
For me, it was very difficult for me because it was always easier for me to be straight. I guss cause i was the type that worried about how other perceived me. I knew deep in my heart that I was easily emotionaly/sexually attracted to women but found myself in A LOT of dead end relationships with men. I always felt unsatisfied. I did have one semi good relationship with a man that i developed feelings for but I still felt like I was missing something.
So again you have to be real with your self.
You can't go around getting into diff relationships trying to find the right one. It will never work. You probably find that you met a very nice person but you will never find the "one". The one comes when you are not looking. It is not practed but meant to be.
Yes it is true that some people expore homosexuality at an later age. Im no expert on this BUT I have received dozens of emails from both men and woman that lived a lie. Meaning most were married for 20 years and tried to suppress their sexuality and it didn't work. See the problem is if you are truly GAY it will always come out. No matter who you love or how much you think you love her. You will always have this secret yearning.
YOu need to figure out what you want and be true to that.
Hope this helps
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