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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Gay/Lesbian Issues > discussing a lesbian relationship with kids
Gay/Lesbian Issues - discussing a lesbian relationship with kids
Expert: Kay - 10/23/2009
Question
My boyfriend and his ex wife have 2 children together. They divorced several years ago and after the split she either realized, or just decided to communicate that, she was lesbian. She has a girlfriend and they live together. She and my boyfriend share joint custody and the situation really seems to work very well. The kids are very polite and well behaved and do very well in school. No problems with any of that so far and they seem very accepting of both parents' situations.
Our question is really about how to discuss their mother's relationship with them if we are asked. One of the kids is under 10 and the other is pre-teen (both girls). With kids you just never know when they might ask and we want to be prepared ahead of time for that inevitability. I am sure there must be books available about this but we are not sure where to start and hope for some guidance.
We are very thankful too that the joint custody works so well and would not want to provide an answer that their mother and her partner might feel was disparaging. This is not about that at all. It is just to be straightforward and understanding about the different relationships so that the kids don't feel awkward.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Answer
Hi Tammy,
When you say "if we are asked" you mean if the kids ask you specific or why questions? Well, I am not a expert in this field because I don't have kids or had this type of question but I do UNDERSTAND the concerns. Kids are very impressionable and you do have to be careful especially as parents.
If you your boyfriend and the his ex have a good relationship, you all should get together to discuss what should be discussed and not discussed. I guess it also depends on what type of questions are asked. For instance, if the kid said something like "why did mommy and daddy break up" you dont ever want to say too much but simply say things like it didn't work out for whatever reason. However, if they start questioning why mommy is with a woman and so on, you want to go directly to the mother. Of course I would imagine that if the kid has these type of questions they would have already mentioned this to their mother.
Either way you want to be careful and when in doubt have your boyfriend roundtable with his kids mother.
Hope this helps.
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