Question QUESTION: Ok, so the thing is I'M not the one questioning my sexuality, make that clear. It's my boyfriend. We are both 20 years old and have been together since we started college, almost 2 years ago. We fell in love quickly, but the love lasted. We have been through some hard times with each other, and made it through, and loved the other and thought the other was perfect (despite their faults). We committed completely to each other, planned for marriage, kids, grad school, family ties, EVERYTHING. Basically put, we are very serious and completely in love, and committed to the other person.
So HERE'S the problem/question: My boyfriend is not sure if he is straigh, bi, gay or what. I don't know how to think or feel for myself, let alone react to him. The thing is, if he just questioned it, that would be ONE thing and I could understand because I love him more than anything.
BUT, he cheated on me. The one thing I have ALWAYS said to him is NEVER cheat on me, and cheating means being romantically involved with ANOTHER person (male or female), and I made this explicit. If he had approached me and told me he was confused, I know it would have been hard and I wouldn't be "happy," but I would have understood and tried to help.
It came to the point where he finally had a sexual encounter with a male, and was calling him, sleeping over at his place, and went on some dates. Now again, HE didn't tell me all of this. I FOUND OUT, then called the man he cheated on me with, THEN heard my boyfriends side of the story.
Apparently he watched gay porn, and has since he was a teenager, but ALSO watches straight porn. He has been attracted to some females before, and doesn't THINK he had "crushes" or "liked" any men before. But he admits he finds men attractive.
Prior to him cheating on me with another person, he had made an online profile on a male gay sex website and was looking around. Then I found out, huge mess. He did that AGAIN a few months later (promising he never would) and CONTACTED people and tried to meet up with them, making very sexual comments.
I know as a female, and he has said, he loves me more than anything and he would never be with any other girl because I'm perfect and the only one he wants. BUT....BUT there's this "thing" in his head and he doesn't know WHAT it is, and is not sure if he wants to be with me.
Now in MY opinion, it sounds like he's bi. He likes and jacks off to gay porn AND straight porn (so MAYBE he just likes the idea of sexual activity? this is a question). He gets excited and is attracted by me, but clearly if he cheated on me he was excited by someone else.
What I DON'T understand is, if after TWO YEARS of all the love and commitment, and he STILL says it's the most important thing to him, how could he have cheated on me? Why didn't he seek concealing instead? Or do this and ask someone online he didn't know. Why instead did he cheat on me? He though I wouldn't find out, so I'd never have to get involved, and he'd have his sexual encounter and know whether he was straight, bi, or gay.
If he's GAY how could he LOVE me and be ATTRACTED to me, and heterosexual sex in general? And so if he is BI, who cares? Just because you like both, doesn't mean you go exploring. If you are in a committed relationship, I believe you COMMIT to it. No lies, no cheating. Just because I might be attracted to other men doesn't mean I "experiment" to see if my boyfriend is "the one." I KNEW he was the one. And he KNEW I was the one - but now, is not sure.
So his plan back fired. I found out he cheated, and it didn't resolve anything since he's still not sure. He started seeing a psychologist (only one meeting so far).
My point is, am I wasting my time? Does he TRULY love me? Or rather is he IN LOVE with me (two different meanings). DOes he just want to keep me around as a security blanket? How can he love me if he cheated on me? We used to be able to open up about EVERYTHING no matter how ugly it was. But now that he's cheated on me and STILL doesn't know if he wants to be with me, makes me feel shattered. I planned my life around him, believing he was my soulmate and everything in the world was great as long as I had him. NOW....I don't know what to believe or think. A soulmate wouldn't cheat on you....
To make matters WORSE, we JUST moved into together. Now, he started cheating on me less than two weeks before he moved in with me (this has been planned for 6 months now). I found out he cheated a few days after h moved in. It's been a month now, and all I feel is depressed.
PLEASE help me. What should I do? Should I stay with him, or break up? Can I ever trust him again? What if he doesn't choose me? He still wants me around and to live with him and act happy, but I can't pretend. I'm not happy - because I feel it's all a lie now.
Should I stay with him and help him? Help him talk out and think his problem?
Is it more MAYBE a problem with commitment, that he FINALLY moved in with me and was repressing it (he was not thrilled about the idea. He said he wanted to, but his tones made me unsre. Then after a month he was excited).
Is it that he can never be satisfied? He is not sure what he wants to do with his career, or major, or commitments in school (clubs extra curricular activities).
LAST NOTE: If he TRULY loved me, was in love with me, felt I was/am his soulmate - then why would it matter if he were attracted to men? If he only wanted me, he should be committed to me. Right? Fine so he watches gay porn (him watching porn upsets me enough already, but if he "has" to as he CLAIMS - why just thinking of things isn't enough I don't know). He shouldn't have cheated, and should have opened up before anything and admitted to just being unsure in his life, in everything.
What can/should I do? Thank you very much for reading it and taking the time to answer.
ANSWER: Hi,
I am sorry that he cheated on you and he pretty much ruined your trust level with you and it shows that his sexuality (at the time) was bigger than your relationship. I will say that it is very hard having doubts about your sexuality.
Here is the truth. You have alot of legit questions and I really wish I had the answers. I could tell you anythin gbut the truth is I dont know.
Your boyfriend is going to have to decide on what it is that he wants. Again it hard being confused about your sexuality but at the same time its not fair to you. You were with him for 2 years (committed) and you are right if he loved you, he would not have cheated.
At the same time confusion could be a tricky thing. I am sure this has been on his mind WAY BEFORE he got in a relationship with you and something just happened. He is not getting any younger.
What do you do. You have to do what is best for you because he is going to do the same. If you feel as though you could stick around and help him through this, do it. However, you have to be aware of the consequences/possibilities. If you can deal with all of that...fine.
If he doesn't resolve his sexuality you are going to have to deal with this again. This is NOT something that he is going to be able to hide/supress because it will only come up later.
Hopefully seeing the psychologist will help but at the end of the day he has to make the decision and be honest with himself and YOU.
Trust me, I am sure he loves you because he could have easily been single and screwed any guy walking. Naturally we want to do right and when one is confused we go with what feels right.
Again, stay if you can deal with this and be prepared if it doesn't work out.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: The thing is....I don't know if I can handle it. Sometimes I feel happy, like I can be silly with him again and laugh and enjoy our time together. But...sometimes in between those moments I remember what he did to me, picture things, remember my conversation with that OTHER person. And it really hurts.
I'm a very emotional person and now that I've lost my trust, I don't know if I can, or better SHOULD, trust him again. But I gave my whole self to him, and I can't just take that BACK. It's already his.
Basically, sometimes I feel like I can handle it, other times it feels like way to much. What I know FOR SURE is if I wait around saying I love him and will wait, and he DOESN'T choose me - I don't know if I will have the strength to want to ever love again - to trust someone. Because I feel everything will loose al meaning.
What you said confused me a little. You said, if he loved me, he wouldn't cheat on me. But then you said, trust you he loves me, because he could have just been single (left me).
He tells me he's loved me this whole time. I ask then HOW could you have cheated? THOUGHTS like that (let alone actually acting it out) have never even crossed my mind, I only wanted him. He says because he was confused and I don't know...not good enough answers for me.
I've been doing a lot of research recently on different people confused about sexuality(articles on people confused, and the advice people gave them), to try to get a better understanding of how he may be feeling. The thing is - I WISH he could have done THAT. Gone on the internet and searched for OTHERS who were confused, and ask a professional like this site. Instead he went on Craigslist and put up an ad to meet with someone, and did, and watches porn (which I find is a bit of betrayal as well - because not EVERYONE does it) plus those profiles he made in the past.
What I found frequently through my research though, and what it seems like with him, is men who started having "gay thoughts" or "fantasies" still at the end of the day pictured themself with a women, being in love, having a future, children, etc. So the 'fantasies' were mere sexual curiosity. So if it's some thought, then fine what ever I can deal with it - the problem is it confuses most people/men into thinking they might be gay, and then complications start. ANOTHER thing to ad though is, of those articles I read where the man was in a serious relationship, he NEVER cheated on the girl because he cared about her too much. There are articles where WOMEN feared their husband/boyfriends cheated (and they usually did - like in my case) but that's different.
And THAT'S what I don't know if I can get over. There were SO MANY ways he could have approached this problem. He could have waited a month until he could return to school and see a psychologist. He could have done the research I DID (now when it's too late for him to take back what he did), or asked advice on yahoo or here or something like it. Instead he cheated and broke the most sacred rule. He wasn't strong enough to confront me and tell me he had a problem. I feel like - he stopped loving me and trusting me then. So how can I trust or love him?
Another thing is he's a very self-conscious person. He's ALWAYS worried what everyone is thinking or thinks of him. Whether it's ANYTHING about his appearance, he sees someone who HE feels looks MUCH better then him and gets depressed, or about his personality. The thing is, NO ONE actually questions it. It's what HE WORRIES and thinks everyone (might or might not) is thinking. So he's just judging himself. But he drags ME into it, always asking, do I look ok? JUST ok? Smell good? Just good not great? Don't lie....and it goes on -_-
Something that might be useful is I think he may have been, or is, or has depression or depression tendencies. The three times he was lying to me, and the cheating, all happened after he was rejected from the major he wanted - twice. This has been (like I said) over the span of 2 years. SO he applied twice and was rejected both times - and it was his DREAM since he was a kid. He got very depressed after both times - and I think never really recovered completely either of the times - which then made his depression drag out. ONLY WHEN THIS happened, did he start acting distant, not open up, lie to me, and then cheat (either by contacting or meeting another person in person). EVERY time he started doubting who he was, what he wanted out of life, where was he going. And I think I (and OUR relationship) got caught in the mess of that.
From talking to his friends and family, and what they shared, it seems he may have had depressive tendancies in high school.
I read some articles about how some males ONLY started having gay male thoughts/fantasies AFTER they were (SERIOUSLY) DEPRESSED. And when they were happy again, it never crossed their mind. I know that in the beginning of our relationship he never worried. And different times in between when he didn't lie to me. So maybe...could this and all his problems, just be stemming from depression?
I also read articles on men who had male fantasies but never actually wanted to be with a man. So is it just maybe the sexual taboo? Or something new and "foreign" "not accepted" so it's exciting? Some specialists say that. But does the cheating rule that out - especially if he's still confused? Or could the confusion be from the depression?
I don't know. I'm really trying to figure this out because he seems to have NO clue about ANYTHING anymore. And frankly, I DO have to take care of myself and now put my best interest forward. I've already had my heart broken by him. Is it worth risking to completely shatter me?
Another VERY IMPORTANT fact I either forgot, or haven't stressed enough - we just moved in together. And though we've dated a while, we're still both young. Maybe he was apprehensive about making the FINAL move to move in? He DID cheat on me 2 weeks before we moved in - like, "here's my last chance to do something with someone else she'll never know" because he was scared of committing. And he even told me he didn't think about other women because THAT was cheating, but in his mind he wrote off men as "experimenting" though we SPECIFICALLY AGREED together that ANY other PERSON is cheating and what cheating is. He just lied to himself so he wouldn't feel so bad.
I HAVE read articles on men who were afraid to commit to women they'd been with for 3-5+ years, some were engaged, and started thinking about male fantasies and got confused. But isn't that all it is? A fantasy? Something not meant to be acted out? Just a random thought?
But I still think at the end of the day, he should have known he wanted me more LOVED ME, and wouldn't have cheated on me. What pushed him over the edge? He wasn't drunk or drugged. And he was offered by someone or forced. He looked for contanct on a site to meet people - but it was purely sexual.
So what can THAT mean? Does that exclude the possibility of my self-concious and commitment idea? Or no? Is he gay? Does he not love me enough anymore? Is he just afraid what will happen if he no longer has me? For image reasons or love - acceptance?
Uhh! This is all very painful :( But unfortunately, it's all I really think about. At least I'm thinking and trying to get to the bottom of this. The first month all I did was cry and was depressed.
I'm I stupid for staying with him if I do? NOW and if he realizes he problem and chooses me?
Thanks again for your time. I know I write a lot and it can be a lot to handle. But if you take the time to truly care and answer my question, at least someone is there for me.
I can't talk to my friends or else they will forever judge him if I DO stay with him. Or we have quite a lot of mutual friends, and I don't want to stab him in the back, or rat him out to his family and they'll look down on him. I'm so alone because I'm still trying to protect HIM. PLEASE help me....
Answer Hi,
(I didnt want to forget this. Can you tell me how you found out. I mean did you find something/lookinig in an email?)
It is not going to be easy but first you have to give your self some time to get over what happen and than decide if you are still going to deal with him on that level. At this point, you can not put his feelings above yours. Yes you guys been together for 2 years and that is great but there are poeple that are married for 30 years and split apart. So, dont try to make something work if you are going to be miserable. Again you have to give your self enough time to get over the situation/heal.
I feel you on not wanting to trust anyone again. It sucks. Its a pain that is unexplainable, especially if you was loyal to this person. Just know that time heals and if you are not happy you are going to have to MOVE on. If you are not sure if he is going to choose you, prepare your self. If it's not going to work...its not going to work and there is nothing you can do about that.
You have to decide if this is worth it to you. Ok so he is seeing a psychologist. Figure out whats next. You want to secure your future and make sure he figure this out. Also you have to prepare your self because the potential for him to want men is there. So, just know it may never work out. Again prepare your self for each scenerio and decide if you can stick around to see what happens because thats what its really about.
Life is going to go whether we like it or not. Life really doesnt care that you loved him or was committed for 2 years with him. AGAIN, be honest with your self and decide if you are willing to deal with this DESPITE any possible consequences.
My take is that he is bisexual or gay...there is no in between. Usually we explore when we are teens and know what is it is that we want. He probably was confused for awhile and probably struggled with this because it is hard. A confused person never wants to admit bisexuality or Gay because its just easier to be straight. No one really want to be ridiculed by others. So this is something that he also needs to be honest about it. He knows whats going on. He has to be real with him self. And that fact that he was able to maintain a loving relationship with you is because HE ACTUALLY LOVED YOU and you probably was his ticked to be "straight". HOwever the tendencies were always there. YOu can't fight your sexuality because its bound to bite you in the ass and that is what is happening to you.
Dont ever think you weren't good enough because its not about you. Just know that you were the person that he actually loved enough to give a two year go and trust me that meant the world to him. He loves you.
Im sorry if I am being harsh but part of me giving advice is using my past experiences to help people. If I didnt go through it, i wouldnt have an answer. My answer would be very general. Almost like how doctors look in a book when they want to diagnose you.
Wait Wait,
Im sorry for confusing you in my first email regarding him not cheating on you if he loved you. I was probably feeling your pain and telling you what you wanted to hear because I don't want to get too involve with your decision making. I just want you to do what is best for you. Dont do something and later regret it. No matter what I write here, you have to make your own decision.
As for your research you are right. Most just want to be normal. Even me as a lesbian, I would kill to just be married with kids because i am so in the closet and its not a thrilling lifestyle for me. There are somethat are very self conscious and care about what others think and there are others that are like "fuck it, I am what I am". And Im sure most of it is sexual because most dont want to view themselves as being gay but at the same time there are those that are really gay and just trying to hide it. Research can only go so far and I dont want you to use that as a weapon or allow it to fuel your situation.
I know you are angry because what he did was wrong. He could have went online and talked to other people like him but instead he went further. Im will be honest and say that is a problem. He didnt have to keep doing this and stay at the mans house.
That self conscious thing is also a problem because he will never be REAL with himself if he is always worried about what others think.
Im not too sure if we could use depression as an excuse. Yes he could have been depressed for feeling this way for a while because what he did was not new. He has been struggling with this for a while. I can tell you that.
I cant agree with you more. There is only so much that YOU can do for him. If he has no answers he should be the one on line looking for answers. This is not your job and if he doesnt put the effort who will? You can support him but you dont need to involve your self because if you are not over his cheating, its not going to be a good look for you.
Yes you do write alot but you obviously have an issue and I like to help people. I may not have all of the answers but just having someone to hear you out, sometimes can help.
