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About John of AllFaith
Expertise
Have you been told that God rejects you because of your sexual orientation? Its a lie! God loves you just as you are. I'll be happy to share the truth with you and to answer your biblical questions. Neither the Bible nor God condemns committed same gender relationships and marriages. I can also share information on most other biblical topics as well. Also visit my Grace Inclusive website for many of my biblical studies on this topic.

I prefer questions of a spiritual/religious nature. If you are seeking dating advise and similar topics you would do better to ask someone else.

Experience
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from JKFU, three Christian ordinations and a degree in Interfaith counseling. I am the owner of allfaith.com. I have studied these and related topics for over 40 years and am happy to share with you.

Education/Credentials
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from JKFU, three Christian ordinations, a degree in Interfaith counseling.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Gay/Lesbian Issues > My husband set up a date...with a man! Does this mean he is gay?

Gay/Lesbian Issues - My husband set up a date...with a man! Does this mean he is gay?

Expert: John of AllFaith - 11/2/2009

Question
Hello,

I appreciate any and all help you can give me. Here is my situation. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and we have three children. During the course of our relationship one of my biggest complaints is our sex life. It is VERY lacking. He is only in the "mood" 2-3 times a month. I realize it could be worse, but I have a healthy libido and this is very frustrating. Most times he gives me the excuses that come from comic strips...headache, tired, yadda yadda yadda. I kept track and I am averaging a 98% "shoot down" rate. That means he turns me away that much of the time. Of course it turns in to a fight. Anyway, I have learned after much frustration to not even bring it up...I am supplementing. Yes, I am having an affair. I have been for a year and am very satisfied with the relationship there and have no desire for it to deepen or change.

Back to the problem at hand. In the past I have caught my husband making plans to be with other men sexually. I am open to the idea that he may possibly be bisexual or even gay. I even accept it and would never ask him to be someone that he can't be. However, he refuses to be honest about the least little aspect of this situation. He says it is a "fantasy and nothing more", and that he wanted to "try it" but changed his mind. What really burns me is that he has a wife that loves him and is willing to try just about anything if it will grab his interest. Never-the-less, he is off making plans with men and ignoring me. He told me he will "push the thoughts back down and not think about it". To me this is holding a big sign that says "I'm GAY but won't admit it."

Could you just give me a check list of items that I can go through and honestly mark off to know if he is gay? I know that sounds silly, but I really need something concrete. The guessing game is killing me. I'm sick and tired of the horrid sex life between us, the wondering if he is where he says, thinking it's my appearance or somehow my fault for his lack of interest, and most of all for worrying about diseases he may bring home. I realize it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, but I know I practice safe sex. I also know he hates condoms, so this has me worried. Please offer some help if you can. If your only response is for me to leave, I am unable to. I am a cancer patient and unable to work to support our children. Please help...I'm drowning in worry and heartbreak.

Answer
Hi Cate,

My heart and prayers go out to you both.

This is longer than my replies usually are but I hope the following will be helpful to you and your marriage.

First, in my opinion adultery is both destructive and sinful. My first suggestion, which you will not like, is to end your affair immediately. There are NO legitimate justifications for affairs.

You have surrendered all moral ground by engaging in it and the fact that you are happy with the situation does not bode well for your marriage. If you wish to save the marriage, end the affair immediately.

My second suggestion is talking to your husband again. Pick a time when everything is going well between you, maybe after a nice dinner. If possible have your kids stay with relatives or friends for the evening so it will be just the two of you. Remember this is not the time for a debate or blame. Let him know this too, that you just want to talk about it, not blame him. If he starts to argue stay calm, take a deep breath and say, "I love you. Please, let's just talk about this" and remain silent until he calms down no matter what he says.

"I'm not blaming you. I love you." I would begin by admitting your affair, with something like:

"First I want to tell that I love you, I am committed to you and to our marriage. We need to talk about how to save the marriage.

"As you probably know I have been having an affair and I ask you to please forgive me."

Then discuss YOUR affair in as much detail as HE needs and no more. Then continue (again, this is just a rough idea).

"Here's what I want us to do. I'm pretty sure you have been having affairs with other men or at least thinking about it. I am not judging you for that, it would be (as you said) like the pot calling the kettle black. But I also feel that our marriage is in jeopardy and I want us to work together to salvage it.

"Are you willing to work with me? Do you want our marriage to work?"

See what he says.
Assuming he says yes, you have a few choices:

Continue as things are: For a marriage of 12 years 2 or 3 times a month is really fairly standard for sex. I believe the statistical norm is 2-4 times a month. Different people have different levels of sex drive of course but this is well within the norm for 10 plus year marriages.
There are ways to spice up sex life and increase its frequency as I will touch upon below.
I would still advise you to end your affair immediately.
We are thinking people and should not be ruled by our sex drives. Just because one wants sex does not mean one should give into the desires and certainly not outside the marriage. If the sex desires are too strong masturbation is always an option that does not involve adultery.

Go to couple's counseling together and work through it.

Acknowledge that you have an "open marriage" and be honest with one another about that. Only pain and mistrust can come from concealing the fact if you are both going to continue having sex with other people. This needs to be out in the open.

I'm going to get a little graphic here I hope that's OK. I believe this may be helpful.

There are many ways to share with ones partner erotically that do not include vaginal sex. If he does not want to "have sex" offer to give him a message.

Some men who truly are gay (rather than bisexual or bi-curious) simply can not become aroused by women, there simply is no sexual attraction there -- since you make love with him a few times a month and have kids this probably is not the case here, but is worth noting. With the added stress "to perform" in your marriage it becomes even more unlikely that he will be able to get an erection under the pressure.

Understand that not "getting hard" at the needed/desired time can be VERY rough on the male ego. It can produce feelings of inadequacy, failure, rejection etc. IF he already suspects he may be gay such "failures" can feel like confirmations and drive the wedge of doubt further in.

But there are ways you can make it easier for him, less risky to his ego, and enjoyable for you, if you both want the marriage to work: It takes two to do the Tango of course.

Assuming you are correct about his affairs (and that this has nothing to do erectile dysfunction etc.) you might try using lotions and giving him erotic messages. You might even say, "Let's just have some fun and see where this leads. There is no pressure."

With you both nude (or you perhaps wearing a sexy negligee or whatever works best for you both of course), message his body all over, going slowly. Reacquaint yourself with his body, explore it, caress it... As you do, rub against him with your breasts, your hair... Flick his earlobes, his nipples and so on with your tongue and let your fingers play in his hair, explore his muscles etc. Take your time. You need not be trained in message to give a VERY good one if you do it with love and passion (and/or you might want check out a how-to book, website etc).

Most men (especially gay-leaning men) are very penis-conscious. As you get to that part of his body rub it, stroke it, lick it, the shaft then the head, then back off, give him time to want more, then return and give him more, suck it and pull back before he cums (or take it as you wish), take your time and have fun with his penis and balls. Be sure to go below his testicles and down to his anus. The area between the anus and testicles are very conducive to forming erections and exciting men, so message and caress him there as well... taking your time, being alert for his reactions and responding accordingly. As you stroke and caress him he will almost certainly become erect. Take him your mouth. Gay or straight most men will be aroused by this.

While you are satisfying him, be stroking yourself as well, your nipples, your clitoris... Here's a good, tasteful website that shows various techniques for this: http://www.femaleclitoralstimulationtechniques.com

Seeing you pleasuring yourself can be quite a turn on for him.

One thing that often happens in marriages, especially once kids come along, is that "men" become "fathers" and "women" becomes "mothers." Rather than the "hot babe" that once turned the guy on, he now sees a woman called "mommy." The man misses the "hot babe" but does not understand what changed... or that nothing fundamentally has changed. You may need to remind him that you are still that "hot babe" he fell in love with and that you still desire him and are still desirable. That's what these sorts of exercises are designed to accomplish.

Hopefully he will be an active participant in this and vaginal intercourse will follow naturally. If not, masturbation can care for your physical desires so it might be best to settle for this for now. You might also include sex toys like dildos etc. You will have had your sexual release in the arms of the man you love. As time goes on he will probably become more desirous and a more active participate in the fun, and you will have saved the marriage. In all likelihood your sex life will return better and more frequent than ever. And again, vaginal intercourse 2 or 3 times a week is pretty standard despite the movies etc. but this can help to increase the frequency. Be patient with your husband.

And end your affair immediately or this is all moot.

As for signs that he may be gay, how do you know you are straight? The answer is the same. Sexual orientation is an innate part of who we are as people, gay, straight, bi, trans etc. What attracts you to men? The same things, generally speaking, attract gay men to men and lesbians to women.

Tell tale signs may be things like stashed gay magazines, internet records of visited sites and so on... but realy, one person can not tell the sexual orientation of another (despite the claims of some to having "gaydar).

I think what you both need is openness of communication, dedication to your marriage and your children (divorce is very hard on kids) and stress reduction. What I have suggested above might help if you both wish to save the marriage. As for open marriages, to my experience they seldom work out in the long run, but there are cases that do.

Hope this helps,
~ John of AllFaith

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