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About John of AllFaith
Expertise
Have you been told that God rejects you because of your sexual orientation? Its a lie! God loves you just as you are. I'll be happy to share the truth with you and to answer your biblical questions. Neither the Bible nor God condemns committed same gender relationships and marriages. I can also share information on most other biblical topics as well. Be sure to visit my Grace Inclusive website for many of my biblical studies on this topic.

I prefer questions of a spiritual/religious nature. If you are seeking dating advise and similar topics you would do better to ask someone else.

Experience
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from John F Kennedy University, three Christian ordinations and a degree in Interfaith counseling. I am the owner and author of AllFaith.com. I have studied these and related topics for over 40 years and am happy to share with you. I also host two Yahoo e-groups on this topic, visit Grace Inclusive for more details. NOWHERE does the Bible condemn people based on their sexual orientation. "Whosoever" means "Whosoever"!

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AllFaith.com

Education/Credentials
I hold an MA in Religious Studies from JFKU, three Christian ordinations, a degree in Interfaith counseling.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Gay/Lesbian Issues > differcult situation

Gay/Lesbian Issues - differcult situation

Expert: John of AllFaith - 12/3/2009

Question
QUESTION: hi im 21 and i live in the UK. I'm at university doing a teaching training course and I've fallen for my teacher who is 35. he has feelings for me to and we have kissed a few times but it ends up with him saying he cant do this. he is reluctant to take things further because he says he will lose his job. but its not against the law because im over 18 and no one would find out and even if they did he wouldn't be able to be fired because they wouldn't have a reason. I have tried to tell him all this but hes still reluctant. I have fallen for him big time and i cant move on and forget him. i have to see him everyday and its killing me i really want to be with him. Any advice you could give would be appreciated.

ANSWER: Hi Liam,

I know how difficult this can be however your teacher is correct. I would strongly advise against a relationship with an instructor.

Having a physical relationship with a student could not only cost him his job there but his career in teaching elsewhere as well.

If you truly love him you need to protect his interests and let him go.

Your options would include mutually agreeing to postpone your relationship with him until after you graduate, you could change schools, or accept that this relationship is not in the best interest of you both.

The age difference is a consideration as well.

My honest advice is that you will love again. Let this one go.

Hope this helps,
~ John of AllFaith

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thx for the reply.But how come he would lose his job and jepodise his career when it isn't against the law? i really wanna be with him and the age difference isn't that much, i like older men.

ANSWER: Hi Liam,

--- how come he would lose his job and jepodise his career when it isn't against the law?

Because life is not fair.

One can be fired for many things that are not technically against the law. I'm not sure about the UK but in the US until about 20 years ago professors had to sign "morality clauses" that empowered their removal on ANY GROUNDS deemed immoral by the school of the community. While those 'clauses' are no longer required, what they enforced are as much in effect as ever. The age of student changes nothing.

If the school allowed people DEEMED "immoral" to teach it would hurt their academic reputation. Even tenured professors are regularly fired for having sex with students (same or opposite gender). Schools and similar institutions don't need a law to fire people in such cases, and were such a removal challenged the school would not only win the case but be honored for holding to its moral principles. AND the case would follow the accused for the rest of his/her life. No school would ever hire such a teacher again nor would any employer that deals with the public lest the case come up or lest a similar scandal occur.

Most schools have very strict prohibitions against teachers dating students of either gender and, even though we don't like it, dating a same gendered student is still regarded by a LOT of people as a perversion. Laws can prohibit discrimination but MANY people are fired based on false accusations (i.e. made up charges: He was late once too often, he's been "stealing" office supplies, etc.).

Because it would appear like a conflict of interests for a teacher to be dating a student.

Because homophobic students would almost certainly complain and demand his removal.

Because of the possibility that a homophobic student (maybe due to poor grades or simply to get rid of the teacher) would CLAIM the teacher "made a pass" at him to get him fired and that would make the university look bad (even moreso since they would have "been warned that the teacher was a pervert").

Because homophobic parents (who typically pay for education) would almost certainly complain and demand his removal.

Because homophobic "right-wingers" or churches or similar groups or individuals would almost certainly complain and demand his removal.

And, even if he didn't get fired, the fact that he had had sexual relations with a student (let alone homosexual relations) would come up anytime he was being considered for a promotion, for a new position, a new school, research grants etc. etc. and it would almost certainly make any advancement impossible.

And... because life is not fair.

As for the age difference, some relationships work when there is a wide age difference, not doubt about it, but usually they don't.
If both people enter a relationship with "both eyes open" and age is the only major challenge I'd say go for it -- IF both people entered the relationship with "both eyes open" -- but that's only one of the challenges here.

My opinion -- and that's all it is, an opinion -- is that the wisest thing would be to end this as he wants to do.

"It takes two to tango" and the future of this relationship would be very rocky at the least. If he is already expressing serious doubts, without both of you being fully committed to it, I just don't see it working.
It will be much less painful for you both to end it now.

The first couple of times we fall seriously in love it seems like we can not live without the other person... but we can and we do.

"Loving someone," enjoying "being in love with someone," experiencing lust, and "being loved by someone" are not the same things.

If you really love him you need to do one of two things:

Either WAIT until AFTER you graduate from the school (not just his classes) before pursuing this,

Or

Move on with your life without him.

I'd recommend the latter.

You will love again my friend.

~ John of AllFaith

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: But what if i dont sleep with him until i finnish uni and we just take things slow and make sure no1 finds out?

Answer
My best advise is as stated Liam.

If he is having or even appears to be having an affair with a student at the university he can lose everything he has worked to achieve in his career.

From what you have said he wants to end it, I'd end it for the good of you both.

Otherwise, mutually agree to have NO relationship with him (no sex, no dates, no flirting etc) until after you graduate from the university. Understand that if people see you flirting, holding hands or anything else the charge may still be leveled and people almost always believe the gossip about such things. Universities tend to be very sensitive about such charges, true or not and accusations, even if unproven, can go on his work records and hound him.

Having to sneak around to see someone we love gets old fast. Love is a wonderful thing and we have to be discreet enough as it is without adding these sorts of issues.

Break it off with him, meet a nice guy closer to your age and then, in a couple of years, after you graduate, if you want to invite him out and see what develops that's cool.

Good luck,
~ John of AllFaith

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