AboutMichael Hernandez Expertise I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.
Experience I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues [http://www.otherbear.com]
Organizations belong to National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.
Publications I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.
Question hi ,this is gonna be long but honest so please dont mind,
i use to be the type of kid when i was 16 to fight, have plenty of friends which hasnt changed, roll up weed, drink, you know the man!! and my twin sister was right there with me, but as you live, you learn to calm down from all that, but all my life...at home was broken i would say parents always fighting, alway getting evicted since my mother couldnt always pay the bill (shes a drunk and my mom has seizers), and my dad left(OFF AND ON) since she drank too much , i currently live on my own and go to college on my own, i really need your help since girls are throwing themselves at me....
IM 19 years old and i need your advice as soon as possible, i think I've been suffering from ocd or something for about 8 months now, which contains me, thinking of unwanted gay thoughts about men, and also get anxiety when its time to be with a girl but before all of this, i never thought gay thoughts of men or felt weird around gay's(no offense), it all started when i decided to smoke a little bit of weed before seeing this chick which was little bit over weight i would say but i had a good feeling that was i going to have sex since a week or 2 before i was drunk and had a healthy boner while we were grinding in a bar, but back to that day when i smoked some weed its was our chance and i couldn't get it up when she immeditally went to give me head, i guess she couldnt wait,(but i remember having some anxiety at some point or it was paranoia?)then for the following days i tried to prove to myself i can but the thought about it killed the erection (i wasn't high then) , after that i felt very discouraged, anxiety multiple times aday and depressed to the point i never felt before then told her our time was over and i had to figure this out(she was never my girlfriend) just a person i knew from other friends, it continued to destroy me, my ego, my way of thinking, to the point i was having nightmares once in a while, everytime the thoughts come i get depressed and my heart would feel like its racing,and i want to be left alone but as months went on it calmed down but i had to give relationships a try but whenever i got into one since of my fears of being gay(since this never happened before that thought came and stuck like glue and i assumed i could be gay since i never had a lack of erection before then more fears came),fear of lack of sex drive and fear of lack of erection, and fear of being laughed at and reputation down the toilet,and i feel so numb with woman, like at first i get intrested then i loose intrest once we have some time together, but yet also everytime i get with a chick i must be drunk get to it up but its goes up and down(im thinking about it being up and staying up too much)(performace anxiety?), where i get no enjoyment but in the end i get the job done after getting my super drunk self into a mental focus but detracting myself by pleasing her and pull some crazy excuse out of nowhere to why it happened my erection went up and down so they don't assume or laugh, and to note, the chicks i was with after the chubby one, i had sex with., then i would temporary clear head intill it shortly would come back (fears and obsessions)
i want my life back like before all of this. its been 8 months and if you need more explaining ill explain more in detail of my fears what could it all because of and why? please!
Answer Hey Thomas:
You aren't gay because you had a little trouble getting an erection once. Yes, I say once, because it was that first incident that set you off on an anxiety-ridden spiral. The more freaked out you are about getting hard, the more problematic it becomes.
You also aren't gay because you aren't with a woman or are having self-professed issues with women. If you were having sex with men, we'd be having a far different chat.
Getting high (drugs, alcohol, etc.) can affect erectile function because it effects circulation. Booze is particularly bad. Poor circulation, high blood pressure, and stress can all adversely affect erections. So, getting drunk in order to have sex is a bad idea.
At 48, I can tell you that life is far too short for bad sex. If you aren't having a good time and you partner is not having a good time then that's only going to make you both potentially feel bad.
The best advice that I can give you is to relax. Don't jack off for a couple of days. Set up a date night with yourself. Rent your favorite porn or get it for free on xtube, etc. Just watch and hang out. No booze. No drugs. I strongly suspect that you are going to get an erection. Do this a few more times. Don't rush into having sex with anyone else. Wait for the excitement to build and for it to happen naturally, then take your time. Erections go up and down. That's what they do. It doesn't mean anything.
Here are a couple of good articles on the topic with information re: whether it's psychological or physical.
What for there to be chemistry with a woman before making another attempt. Also make sure that you haven't had more than one alcoholic beverage as that is clearly interfering with your performance.
