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Gay/Lesbian Issues/Everything got too much complicated, in love with my friend


Hello! I would be very glad if you could give me any advice, because I really need help and support, because I’ve been struggling with this issue for 9 months already. I’m sorry if there are any mistakes in my story (I’m not a native English speaker). I am sorry, but my story will be long, so you can understand everything better.
So I will start from the very beginning. I’m 26 and SHE is 30 years old. I am bi and SHE is a lesbian. SHE is quite experienced and I am not, I have never been in relations with a girl. We have a very strong emotional bond and we are supposed to be friends and I always considered HER as my sister, but that is not what I really want for the last 9 months. We got acquainted 9 years ago on Internet and met just once 8 years ago (we live in different cities), nonetheless we became very close friends (SHE is much closer to me than my other friends that I see and speak to almost every day), SHE was very kind and caring to me all the time, so was I to HER. Nevertheless, we had very big gaps in our communication (sometimes contact was missing during one or several years).  Every time I was initiator of resuming our communication, so 2 years ago when I just broke up with my boyfriend, because I realized that I couldn’t be with a man and I needed to be with a woman, (since I was teenager I wanted to have relations with girls, but just couldn’t find one for me, so I dated guys just not to be alone, my first love was a girl also), so when I broke up with him, although I wasn’t in love with any girl, our communication started to get really close again, because at that time I was going to move to her city so that we could have possibility to spend time and speak in real life, not only via Skype. But that time I was offered a good job in my native city and I decided to put off my removal. Later on I got ill and still I am in my city for medical treatment.
When we resumed our communication SHE was in relation with a woman for about 2 years. They broke up about 9 months ago, so at that time I think I started slowly to fall in love with HER, I had fantasies about our sex and I thought that I might have a chance to be with HER. SHE had a lot of pain because her ex-girlfriend was cheating HER and SHE wasn’t happy with her in their relation. All that period I was with HER mentally, I supported her, called her many times and wrote her many messages (not hinting at my feelings to her, of course), although SHE didn’t want to speak to anybody and didn’t pick up the phone.  Then SHE went to another city to visit one of old friends. That friend was in love with HER for several years, (although she was living with another woman). They had sex there. That friend said to HER that she loved HER and wanted to be with HER but she refused to leave the woman she was living with. I told HER it wasn’t what SHE deserved and when I asked HER if SHE still wanted to be with that woman, SHE said - not anymore”, because SHE wasn’t satisfied with the way she treated HER. Besides, that friend was depressive all the time and SHE was tired of dealing with her depression in day-to-day life. But some time after I asked HER- ”Are you very sad about that woman not leaving her girlfriend for you?”
SHE - “She indeed left her for me”
I - “Are you together now?”
SHE - “Kind of…”
I - “My dreams are prophetic”
SHE - “What dreams?”
I - “I had a dream that symbolizes a rival”
SHE - “Who is a rival for you and what is the connection of your dream with our situation?”
I - “It’s so simple to understand that”
Next day:
SHE - “I had to get drunk to express my suggestions. You hinted that a rival for you is the person that I have relations with. So doest it mean that you felt you fell in love with me? I thought that I was like your elder sister” So SHE considers me as her little sister. Maybe SHE thinks that I am not enough adult for HER.
I - “Yes, your suggestions are correct but I don’t want it to embarrass you and make you bear discomfort”
SHE “Before I felt that our bond is unbreakable but now I am confused to learn that this bond can be broken because of your feelings and I am afraid that if our relations cannot be according to what you want this bond can be broken. I always felt that we have a weird emotional bond like people who have known each other for a long time not being lovers… this is the highest and purest thing that people may have, to be like sisters, brothers or soul-mates”.
I - “What would you do if you were me?”
SHE - “I would do everything to hide my feelings not to break this bond and express my feelings in frame of friendship. But if I failed to hide them I would manage to the save the most important in relations and stay friends”.
Then I tried to learn from her why SHE can’t see me as someone more than friend, someone who can be friend, soul-mate and lover in one person. But the only thing SHE said is that SHE thinks that I am very mysterious, that SHE feels very deep bond with me, that status (girlfriend or just friend) doesn’t matter, the most important is that we have that strong emotional bond, that I am important for HER, but SHE doesn’t know as who I am important for HER (friend or anybody else).
Then SHE got acquainted with another woman, they clicked with each other, and SHE broke up with HER current girlfriend from another city. But relations with a new girlfriend also ended very soon, and again SHE suffered because SHE really liked that woman. So again it gave me some hope.
Some time after I wrote HER a message that I occasionally read one of HER old e-mails to me (New Year card) and it made me cry, because those words were so kind, so caring, about everlasting friendship, and now I feel that SHE is cold to me. SHE told me it doesn’t make sense to miss those times, that I am thinking too much negative about our friendship, that SHE is not cold, SHE is just distant and it’s normal for HER, that I have been always special to HER and SHE feels that I don’t get from HER what I would like to get in our friendship, that I have never told HER directly what I want from HER, so maybe SHE could try to give it to me, SHE just feels that I am very confused and I don’t know how and what to tell her, that SHE tries to understand me, but can’t and actually SHE feels sometimes that my image of HER is not really HER, but someone else.
About 2 months ago I called HER and asked what SHE was doing. SHE said SHE was walking with a new girlfriend already (I was shocked). So now they are living together. Recently I asked HER if SHE was happy. SHE answered it was a difficult question. Then I said that I already knew the answer because when people answer like this it means that they are not happy or they are trying to think up what really doesn’t exist to fill the emptiness. But SHE replied that I might be mistaken and SHE told me not to try think for HER.  
I don’t know what relations they are having and if they are happy together, but the only thing I know is that every time SHE told me that SHE wasn’t satisfied in HER relations they all were finally broken off.
From time to time when I call HER or when we chat on internet SHE asks me when I come and I told HER that I have a serious illness that doctors cannot identify, that’s why my removal is postponed and then SHE was attentive to me about this issue and tried to help me or give me some tips about it. I said that last week I was going to see a doctor and one week passed but SHE didn’t write to me to ask how the meeting with the doctor was. I don’t know, maybe I’m measuring another man’s foot by my own last and it is bad to do so and I shouldn’t have any expectations not be disappointed, but as for me, if one of my closest friends were in such situation I would directly call him/her to ask about the outcome and would write on a regular basis to track his/her health state.
I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I would like to ask HER how much it is important for HER that I am in HER life, does SHE really need me and to tell HER that I don’t feel that SHE is glad to hear me when I call HER. Sometimes I want to disappear and not to answer her messages if SHE writes. Maybe it would be better for me to do so. But when I do so (during last 3 months I am trying to be offline most of the time, sometimes we don’t have any contact for 2 – 3 weeks) I start to miss her. One time I told her I missed her, SHE told me she missed me too.  I hope the less we communicate the better I will feel, but I can’t stop think of HER. But at the same time I want to save our friendship. What tactics would be right for me in this case? I am afraid of my hopes. I don’t want to hope for anything. I just want to get rid of my empty hopes and start seeing her just as a friend, but I don’t know how to do it. I am afraid when I move to her city and we start to go out somewhere I will want something more. I don’t want to interfere in her current relations and at the same time I know that if SHE told me that SHE was happy with HER current girlfriend I would be much unhappier. But now I still keep hoping.   

I need help very much, it’s getting too much complicated, I am very confused and I am really getting obsessive with HER. I need to get out of this situation. Please.

Dear Maya:

Thank you for all of the warnings at the beginning of your story and for providing enough information for me to get a better idea of your situation.  Your English is superb.

It sounds like each of you wants different things from the relationship.  She sees you as a very close friend, family in fact. You see her as a potential mate.  The real question is whether you can maintain just a friendship without feeling the intense emotions that accompany a passionate relationship.  In other words, you want more and she does not.

Speaking from experience, it is very difficult to change desire.  You want more now.  That's not going to go away with more contact while you still feel that way.  Falling in love with someone else then having contact will help some, but could lead to jealousy from your partner and cause strife in a new relationship.  The main issue that I see is that you have spent years developing intimacy with her and it will take time to develop intimacy with someone new.

You are in a difficult position because you want to maintain contact, yet doing so is causing you stress by trying to figure out why she does not feel the way for you that you feel for her.  The best thing that you can do is to give your friend some space while you occupy your mind and your time on other matters and people.  In my experience, it takes time and distance to have the feelings dissipate to the point where they are manageable.

During this interim focus on yourself.  Think about what you need in a relationship.  Make a list.  In a separate column write what you want from a relationship?  The difference between the two is that needs are not negotiable (should not be compromised).  For instance, a need is honesty.  A want is someone with green eyes.  I hope this makes sense.

Try to develop a closer friendship with someone who can actually visit you.  If she writes or calls by all means contact her, just don't initiate the conversations/contact and see if she warms back up to a friendship.  The last thing you need with an illness is to be worried about what someone else feels about you.  

I wish you good health and good fortune.



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Michael Hernandez


I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.


I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues []

Organizations belong to
National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.

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