Gay/Lesbian Issues/im bi and lesbians hate me


Hi! : )  I am a 30 yr old confident fem and I have come to the conclusion I either intimidate or make lesbians uncomfortable.  Atfirst I thought I just intimidated the butch girls but now it seems I.scare off all lesbians. I haven't dated one girl since I realized I liked women 3 years ago. :/ now I'm very confident and this prolonged rejection hasn't shaken me...I love flirting and I'm very good at it. I've done tons of online chatting but only got one "date" out of it. In her car she informed me that I didn't look lesbian enough for her and pretty much put me in the friend zone.

This is something I keep hearing...I feel like I shouldn't have to make myself look gay according to what these girls definition of looking gay is. I'm not about that and I wouldn't feel authentic.  Lesbians seem to find me "odd" BC I'm quite feminine and I'm also attracted to fem. Women..but its not so much that.they don't feel I blend in to the culture BC I don't have like an edgy hairstyle or wear clothes that wou would make me look "alternative" for lack of a better term. I live in a big metropolitan city with a pretty active gay there's definitely subcultures of ways of representing you are gay or lesbian. I guess I dress too "square" for them..which gets very confusing coming from butch lesbians who wear jeans and t-shirts.

I also get told that I come off "aggressive" and dominant. Now I'm short and petite with an innocent face lol I'm not trying to dominate any one. The things is, I know what I want and I'm direct with women about what I want from them...I notice lesbians can be too subtle and wishy washy about what they want and it drives me crazy.

So point blank, I think my very expressive nature and open and direct communicative nature is too much for lesbians its almost like their not use to it! I thought lesbians were supposed to be.good about expressing their feelings and desires. I've been with men and I actually feel like men communicate better!

I'm very much attracted to women and this also sadly bothers my stud lesbian friends.  I don't think I'm obnoxious about it...but I do like talking about women's features and I share with them my crushes on sexy women. It seems, my stud friends can't handle when I talk sexually about feminine women's bodies!  I've had them actually flip out on me! Then the friendship ends. I don't mean to intimidate them with my openness to talk about women in that way..I thought since they are also attracted to women it would be cool!

I'm feeling that lesbians are weird about sex..and I.coming from the straight world am used to and comfortable with talking about sex and sexy ppl. But I know lesbians check out hot women I fear its BC I'm bi they have issues with me! :/

I'm getting kinda sad BC I want good strong relationships with lesbians.  Especially friendship!  That is really important to me...but after awhile my lesbian friends dissappear.

I am a positive friend...I am supportive I try to boost their self esteem BC alot of studs act really depressed but its becoming just boring to be around them now the friendship starts out cool and the stud always makes herself sound like a chick magnet...very egocentric and full of bravado.  Then when they see my natural confidence and content with myself coupled with my strong attractive for women , well it never fails they start trying to pick at me and say subtle things to make me feel bad and nit normal.

I'm just learning lesbians especially studs have loads of identity issues and they automatically assume big women like me are confused about who I am. But I absolutely know who I am and what I want. And that bothers them to the point of isolating from "theoretical" world. I think its jealousy BC I'm more sexually confident.

Lesbians could learn some things from the straight world of dating actually it would help them and save them from their depressed states and frustration. They can be very closed minded and rigid when it dating and opening up.

I recently had a lesbian friend snap at me and say don't ever talk to me about sex! Come on female friends totally talk about sex...and how am I gonna get advice on things? She didn't even care I had no one to talk to besides her. And I never even engaged her in explicit convoy. And actually as I recall she's the one who would bait me in little sex talk then she'd get uncomfortable and accuse me of being "too much"

Its just the same pattern. Atfirst they admire my expressiveness and the way I communicate then it leads to intimidation and ultimately isolation. :/

I love women...I don't want these ppl with their issues to make me start questioning myself and its getting to that point. I also enjoy sex with a woman but yep guess what they are surprised I like mutual pleasure!  Lol. Its just so many rules and so many off limits topics kits driving me nuts. And I can't call them out on it BC they always play the victim and accuse me of just wanting to mean to lesbians.  However I see these studs use women worse than guys..I see the emotional abuse they like to wield then claim all they want is a love that's real! Ha!

So its been 3 years of not being able to date...I had sex off and on with another big girl however!  But I can't get any lesbians in bed or maintain friendship with them. I can't meet any who have real confidence..that's the thing they have tons of bravado and big egos..then they like fall apart on me and act like I've done something to them simply BC I'm naturally comfortable with myself and I'm not confused about my identity. I love being sexy and I love sexy women...I'm happy with that!

I just feel like if I want a girlfriend and lesbian friends it may mean conforming...but I refuse I love me!  I don't know how to communicate with lesbians and I'm on the verge of giving up if the "community " doesn't want me. :/ I should also mention I have pretty good looks so I can rule out being hideous as a problem. Lol.

Dear Amanda:

Not all lesbians have the communication style that you described, but it appears that you keep experiencing it time after time as if there were no other style available.

First and foremost don't let anyone tell you that you have to change your looks for someone to like you.  I have no clue what "not lesbian enough" really means, but I can tell you that there are definitely butches out there who love femme women.  There are also femmes out there who love femmes.  I have far less experience with the latter, but I know that they are out there.  

Being someone with a direct communication style and finding a partner who is also direct can be a bit of a challenge.  I speak from experience here.  I too have experienced what you refer as wishy-washiness, but from all genders. It is incredibly frustrating because you have no clue what the other person wants and deciphering the subtle clues is time consuming as well as prone to error.

Have you tried posting ads as a sex-positive confident femme in search of same?  Sounds like you have a bit of online experience.  I think that could just be spending time in the "wrong" electronic circles. Trying to meet folks at an event face-to-face may work better for you.

Is there a butch femme or better yet a femme gathering in your neck of the woods?  If not, do you want to take the time and energy to organize a meet and greet.  Another alternative would be to spend more time with bi-identified women.  Since you seem to be getting shot down a lot for being a verbally sexual person you might want to just share more slowly until you get a better feel for the other persons level of sexual comfort.  The biggest obstacle is that you are the issue.  The women who strut around being studs then shun you because you are honest and open about sexuality and sexual attraction are the issue.

Best wishes,


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Michael Hernandez


I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.


I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues []

Organizations belong to
National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.

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