Gay/Lesbian Issues/Indecisive


Well.. I came out as a lesbian in 2011 and I've been with two women since, one that I am currently with right now. We have been dating for over a year now and things have been just fine. But lately I've been having worries about things, not about us.. About myself and my orientation. It's just that I'm beginning to doubt my commitment issues. I know I have already made myself committed, it's been quite a while. I'm just afraid I'm missing out on something. When I go to school, the grocery store, or on any social networking sites; and I see my ex's or new people I find attractive, I begin to wonder if there's more than what I have right now. There's this guy that I dated way back when and lately I find myself looking more and more at his profile and posts and just wishing I could be single and not tied down so I could just experience it all again and see if there's really something worth trying out there. I came out as a lesbian for a reason, but I am now second guessing myself. I guess all I really want to know is if I should just ignore it and keep what I have going on the way it has been? or if I should take the initiative to talk to him (strictly as friends right now, of course) and see where it goes? I wouldn't want to talk to my girlfriend about it, as I wouldn't want to mess things up in her head and I'm not entirely sure it's worth it at this point. Please help and give me the best advice you can. Thanks.

Thanks for your question Miranda. Coming out is a unique process and journey for each person. No two people are the same. Some people come out more than once because they realize that their sexual orientation is more fluid than static.

Attraction (physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, etc.) to more than one person is common and natural. It's human that you find another person attractive for different (or the same) qualities than your current relationship. This happens in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships, short term and long term relationships, and throughout the lifespan. There are a number of questions that may be helpful to ask yourself:

- Have you ever thought that you might be bisexual or pansexual?
- What is the state of your current relationship now? If there are conflicts and stress, how do you both cope with it?
- What are the strengths and joys of your relationship and are you both growing in the relationship?
- Are you finding that you are looking at other people occasionally? Or is this happening often?
- Are you attracted to your girlfriend?

Ignoring your feelings is not going to make the feelings go away. Bottling them up may even compound the issue. It sounds like the root of your concern is your identity/orientation. I encourage you to give yourself permission to honor your feelings and thoughts and to talk it through with someone you trust or can help support your journey. You may not feel comfortable talking to your girlfriend right now about it. So perhaps your local LGBT center or counselor may be an option. Regardless both of you have the right to make fair and informed decisions regarding your relationship. If you wish to be single and not be in a serious commitment, you owe it to yourself and your girlfriend to be upfront and honest - again, so that both of you can make informed decisions regarding what you both want from the relationship at its current state. Ask yourself what is fair to you, what is fair to her, and what is fair for your relationship.

Be gentle with yourself as you navigate your journey with yourself and within your relationship.

Hope you find this answer helpful.

Kind regards,  

Gay/Lesbian Issues

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Reece Malone


I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.


I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit:

American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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