Question I'm a 29 yr old lesbian who has been with my girlfriend for a year now and for the first four months of our relationship she didn't tell me she was married and by that time i had already fell in love. We live together all of us she doesn't have a sexual relationship with him and we have or own room but I'm having a hard time getting over her telling me she will never leave him and so how can this be normal i would like al her time not half. Do i leave bc i know it will never be just her and i or do i work it out and get a house and see if she goes with me what to do in confused
Answer Hi Bobbie,
Thank you for your email. I certainly appreciate how challenging it must be for you to experience and feel a betrayal of honesty, and from my guess, not a lot of time to process the whole thing before moving in with the two of them. I invite you to give yourself the permission to explore your feelings around the withholding of the information and whether/how it has an impact on your relationship with her now.
Of her telling you she will never leave him sounds pretty clear. If you cannot spend the time that you want with her, consider the both of you focusing on the quality of time you have together despite the lack of quantity of time you desire.
Regarding spending half the time with her... What do you mean by 'literally'? Literally is her time split between you and him? Are they intimate but just don't have sex? Is there children or family involved? Is she simply sharing a house due to finances? Are they really close platonic friends who has made a commitment to each other? Are there other issues that has more to do with him as to why she can't/won't/never leave (example, does he have a physical or mental health illness or other reason why he depends on her?). Their shared history together may also be a factor as to why she can't leave. Asking why 'exactly' she'll never leave may help provide you with clues as to what you ultimately decide to do.
If the answers still point to that she will never leave, she's made her boundaries very clear. Therefore the decision rests on what you decide is best for you. Know that you also have a right to determine the kind of healthy relationship you want for yourself and with another person. This also includes what you are willing to bend, compromise, expand and shift in your own relationship ethics and values.
There's a lot of unknowns from your email but hopefully my response will provide you with an anchor point to help you make a decision. I also recommend visiting your local LGBT center as they may have counsellors available to provide additional support.
I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.
I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit: http://www.reecemalone.com
Organizations American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.
Publications Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada.
Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.
Education/Credentials Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality
Masters of Public Health (Sexology)
Doctorate of Human Sexuality