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I think my friend is on the downlow, even though she told me she was a christian. im 29 and shes 34 and females. i love making new friends but after this ive become withdrawn and afraid and now i keep to myself and . my friend constantly stareing at my butt and touching my arm and she'll leave it there for about a minute or two and check to see if i watching her, shes undressed in front of me, and she told me from day one what she wanted from me she let me know she wanted me to spend time with her and care for her and be there for her, i told her you have a man she kept smiling at me and put her head down. she gets upset if i dont claim her exp we were out chillin and some woman asked were we sisters i said no we friends and she was like oh so u aint gonna claim me i said as what we friends she was like oh i see how u is ive noticed she says see u dont get it quite a bit.....

well she tld me she was gonna b moving and asked me to move with her i said no, so she spent the whole day with me b 4 she left and was like well since me n u arent like that i guess ill have my kids call u auntie and she had the saddest look on her face then she started smirkin at me i askd her wats up she said oh nothing, so i said ok then imma stop talking to you she said yeah ok u TRY ME(0= well she calls me and asks me how am i doing and informs me of what shes been up too and then she lets me know that she passes by my house sometimes and doesnt know if she should stop by, i said uh no im still not feeling good and she just laughed a lil and said oh and jumped to another subject. i think shes a tad obbsessive.

why would you pass by my street there are plenty of main roads to drive on. well we stopped talking for a bit, she wanted to be friends again, i declined because of her actions like shell pass by my house for nothing or she acts very uncomfortable around me when she sees me and when shes with someone, she tends to hold allot against me which one of the reasons why i stopped being friends with her. i told my friend im sorry for being a bad friend in the past and not being their like i should have been lately and she says you good, everyone has their problems but she tends to hold alot against me.

for example if i cant hang with her cuz im busy she gets very angry she had came out of the closet not too long ago and told me that she thought that me and her were datin for the past year and wanted her kids too call me mommy, i told her i never ever liked her liked that, and we are just friends. there was a time where i was busy and didnít answer my phone and she was like U ANSWER THE HOUSE PHONE DONT U with this attitude well after that i was feeling uncomfortable so i stopped chilling with her.

well one day i had ran into her at the mall and she was sitting there smirking at me and was like oh so you do leave the house and she kept staring at me with her hands in her pocket and moving around (she wouldnt sit still) and she was balling up her fist with an angry look on her face and then her other friend came by and sat next to her and my friend quickly moved away from the girl and just stared at her and then my friend looked at me very sadly but she did not introduce me at all.

my friends think she may harm me physically based off what ive told them and told me to stay away from her for good and stop all contact because if i dont its gonna take a turn for the worse and thats not good. she recently moved and we havent spoken since then. she just called me after months of being angry with me saying we should catch up she has movie tickets......would you go?

i seen her a couple of days ago and she was glaring at me and balling up her fists and laughing and smirking, so i kinda think its a set up to make me pay for the pain i caused her... she had contacted me to go to the movies and i said no i dont feel comfortable around you after what happened betweem us, how about we talk on the phone... i even offered to be her friend  and she said no, its okay everything is fine, no harm done......so i think if i go all im going to do is piss her off some more and possibly make her want me even more than she did before and she may even try to beat the crap outta me....cuz she cant have what she wants...how should i handle this, should i just give in and be her girlfriend, or should i offer to be her friend, or should i stay away from her and protect myself along with getting a restraining order?

Answer
Greetings Leslie,

Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I can imagine how stressful this must be especially if this situation has impacted issues of trust with you and other people. It sounds from your message that this person's actions may be possessive and controlling.

Your friends are wise. If they are expressing some red flags about this person, you may want to take those red flags seriously especially if there is any possibility that she may be a threat to you: psychologically and physically, and if she is harassing you.

If you do not want her in your life, know that you don't owe her your time or patience. You have the right to say yes or no and not be lead to feel guilted for not spending time with her. If you feel that she is manipulating you in any sort of way, chances are that your relationship with her may not be a healthy one. Balling up fists can be a threatening sign for many people and knowing that she may be harboring anger and spite also isn't healthy.

You were clear in your message to me that you are not comfortable with her. Healthy relationships do not involve treating each other based on hoping not to piss the other one off or walking on eggshells wondering if the other person is going to react negatively. Healthy relationships are built on trust, mutual liking one another, shared feelings, feeling good about spending time with one another, honesty, and the ability to communicate with one another without fear or resentment. You have to ultimately decide if you want a relationship with her and whether your relationship with her (however that relationship may be) with add something positive and beautiful to your life. I'm glad that you have supportive friends that care about you who you can turn to and ask their opinion. I encourage you to continue to talk to your friends about her and to help process your feelings.

Despite how you feel about her, giving in to be her girlfriend or staying away with a possible restraining order because she may be violent, may not be a healthy situation overall. I can't underscore the importance of contacting law officials if you feel threatened. No one should feel threatened physically, emotionally or psychologically. Don't hesitate to consult with the police if you feel threatened.

I wish all you the best with your situation. I hope my message helps.

Kind regards,
Dr. Reece Malone  

Gay/Lesbian Issues

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Reece Malone

Expertise

I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.

Experience

I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit: http://www.reecemalone.com

Organizations
American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Publications
Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Education/Credentials
Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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