Gay/Lesbian Issues/emotionla problem


QUESTION: what should I do , most of people in my country hates gays and no one show that he is gay , and I can't live without love ??

ANSWER: Dear Chris:

Thank you for writing.  I am assuming from your question that you are gay and the man that you love is gay, but that this type of relationship is not accepted in your Country and/or culture.  I'd normally encourage someone to find a local group, but suspect that this information is not readily available due to safety concerns.

The only thing that I can think of requires moving away from your home, your family, and your friends to a country that will be accepting of your relationship.  That's not something that can be accomplished quickly, easily, or without consequence.  You would be moving hundreds or thousands of miles away to a new place where employment opportunities may be lacking or non-existent for immigrants.

Give some thought to where you would like to live.  Then search the internet for information, preferably in your native language, which is written by gay men who live in the country where you'd like to end up.  One possibility is a student visa.

All of this, of course, assumes that your partner/prospective partner wishes to move as well.

Please ask someone else on the panel for advice as mine happens to be so limited in this situation.

Best wishes,


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: what should I do to forget my only love he was my best friend I know him since 6 years but I fall in love with him in 2011 and I didn't tell him that because I know he is stright , he loved me as a best friend but we both loved each other with same power I loved him(although that I know our love is impossible) because he always protect me , always kiss me (not on the lips) and last year we were in the school and we were sitting on the ground I was holding his hand I told him I am gay and I love him very much , I thought he will take his hand away and say to me go away , he told me that it's ok and he knows that I have high manners and virtues and I will never do anything sexual with him , and that day was the best day in my life and for the first time he used the word ( baby ) with me , after a few weeks I told his mother (my english teacher ) and she changed his class ( we were in the same class ) and his love to me as a best friend started decreasing and I couldn't handle that  and one day I told him I am tired I still love you and I started crying and he told me don't cry near me I can't see u crying and he hugged me I can't express what I felt but I stopped crying at once , I can't forget that moment the best moment in my past , present and future .
In the last summer we had a big fight because he wanted us to be best friends only and I told him I can never change from love to friendship we didn't talk since that fight and I tried to change this school because every time I see him  after that fight I stop breathing because I remember the good days and the bad days but I couldn't change my school and now every day I suffer when I see him and he tries to hurt my feelings because he knows that I suffer every time I saw him and he go to my class every day :( plz help me I am hopeless.
some personal information : I am 16 , 11 grade , my bf in the same age
I am muslim and arabic , I should not put my name chris but I was afraid to not have an answer because of my religion and because I am arabic

As-salaam 'alaykum, Chris:

Just so you know, I have been able to receive messages/questions in the past which are marked "private".  If there is a way for you to change the status of our messages it might be something that you want to think about.

Thank you for the additional information.  If you are considered an adult in your Country, then the prior advice is okay.  If not, then the prior advice won't work.  My main concern is for your safety.  The last thing that you need is for your parents or someone else to find out and punish you for being the way that you simply are.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles with your friend.  I have no easy answers for you.  

I experienced something very similar to you when I was in my 20s.  It took me a very long time for the feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness to pass.  It took many years after that for the love to fade to to friendship.  Nothing anyone could have said or done anything to make that pain go away or become less than what it was.

In my experience what you desire (cessation of emotional pain) takes time, distance, and distraction.  The greater the passage of time the easier the pain or sense of loss.  What you don't have is distance.  You see this boy every day at school, which makes it very difficult to have the sadness start to fade.  That leaves distraction.  The more that you can focus on something else that you are passionate about such as an activity, a sport, creating art, etc., the less focused you will be on the current situation.

The only hope that I can give you is that while you may not see it at this moment, there is happiness and love in the future.  The likelihood that you will fall in love with someone who can and will love you back in the way that you desire is very great despite the cultural
hurdles.  It's just probably not going to happen with the guy who presently holds your heart.  The greater the love, the greater the possibility of getting hurt.  But there is nothing like having someone love you back.  It will happen.  You just need to get through today one step at a time.  

If you are looking to study abroad in a Muslim country, I understand that Albania, Turkey, Bahrain, Jordan, Indonesia and Mali, have more lenient views on those like us.

I wish you peace,


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Michael Hernandez


I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.


I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues []

Organizations belong to
National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.

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