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About 4 years ago I lost my life partner to a terrible car accident after engaging in a heated argument with me. We were in a 12 year relationship and the argument was about her infidelity with a 14 year old girl. She stormed out and about 1 hour later I received the news. I became terribly depressed and to make a long story short, I took the advice of my family and friends and decided to take some time off and relocate out of state with my sister and her husband. I found a liking to the new place and soon after, began to work to keep my mind busy and to feel I was being productive. At work I met a lady who was identical in appearance to my recently deceased partner. I immediately noticed that she was young. (There's an 11 year old difference between us#. I know I should not have persuaded any kind of relationship other than a coworker type of relationship with her, but I failed to do so. She reminded me very much of "Nelly". I took the initiative and befriended her in facebook. Quickly after that we became texting buddies and I informed her about my feelings. At first she was surprised and very politely expressed that she did not feel the same way, which I respected. I figured that the texting would be discontinued and I also felt relieve in knowing that I was able to be honest. I felt glad that she had responded in such a courteous manner. A couple of days later she texted me out of the blue. I responded to her that I thought she had sent me a message by mistake and she responded that it was meant for me. Everything escalated from there. We would text each every day  until 3am. We got to know each other very well. She would text me immediately after ending her work shift and this continued for about 6 months. She would make arrangements to go out as a group and we would always end up talking alone after everyone had left. She denied being gay, but I have the feeling that she was afraid to acknowledge it, which I understand. 1 year after we met I decided that I had to move on so I started dating a wonderful woman who I learned to love more than anything in the world. We have an awesome relationship based on love, trust and all of the other things everyone dreams of. When I told my coworker about my new relationship she stopped talking to me. Two weeks later she had a boyfriend whom I know is her cousin. In other words, it's an act. She forgot that she had spoken to me about her gay cousin previously. She would walk past me at work and make intense eye contact#which I avoided#. I feel as if I should confront her about this, but it has been over a year now since everything happened and I have moved with my girlfriend to another State. Do you think it would be wise for me to "tie lose ends" with her? And if so, how could I go about doing it in a tactful manner? I think about her a lot and I just want an  honest explanation as to why she treated me like I was a ghost in front of everyone else and why she couldn't just face the fact that she had feelings for me. Should I contact her?

Answer
Dear Jess:

I believe that it would be a mistake to contact her.  She declined your invitation.  You respected her wishes. She reacted poorly when you moved on.  It seems like your life is stable and you are happy in your new relationship.  

While you may be curious about what happened, it does not sound like there are any loose ends to tie up.  In fact, reaching out to the ex-coworker could create trouble at home.  If the co-worker decides that she just has to keep in contact and the contact escalates your current gf will never believe that it's innocent and may accuse you of infidelity or of still having feelings for the ex coworker.  Moreover, if she's still in denial she's going to say that you imagined all of what was going on.  

She may have been jealous because she had feelings for you.  She may have just been jealous that you weren't around anymore as just a friend.  In other words, maybe she had sexual feelings and maybe not.  Even if you do talk to her, you may never know the truth.

Since this has more potential to wreak havoc on your current happiness and home life, I'd leave well enough alone.  Leave the past in the past.  Enjoy your future.

Regards,

Michael

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Michael Hernandez

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.

Experience

I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues [http://www.otherbear.com]

Organizations belong to
National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

Publications
I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.

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