Gay/Lesbian Issues/Lesbian thoughts
Sorry for the book:
I am a 22 years old female. I knew I was a bit different from mostly everyone else, sexually speaking, since high school . To understand myself a little better, I took a human sexuality class in college. It was one of the best things I could have done. Understanding myself makes it easier to accept myself. I am a, take a deep breathe lol, pan-platonic, heteroromantic, asexual. The reason I include pan-platonic is because I will randomly get strong desires to be emotionally intimate with certain people. There is actually a name for it, it's called a squish, sorta like the a-romantic equivalent of a romantic's crush. I'm heteroromantic because my heart loves men. I only have interest in dating guys, guys make me happy and spark my visual interest. And as an asexual, my vagina tingles for noone. Haha .
Except recently, one of my "squishes", (who came up with that name?) has become something uncontrollable! This squish is my former coach. She is 60 or so and lesbian. Her and I have a great relationship still and we are emotionally intimate, she knows a lot about me and I about her. We are close. It's a beautiful friendship of sorts. However, the more emotionally intimate I got with her the more I yearned for physical intimacy. I have never hugged her and honestly, barely touch her. My desire to feel loved by her slowly evolved into inappropriate thoughts and now full blown lesbian thinking. I have never fantasized about anyone, I find sex to be gross, but I can't help thinking about her this way. I know how wrong it is, beyond the homosexuality being a sin and what not, she is much older and a former authority figure.
I definitely don't want to talk it over with her, but I am not sure how to stop the lustful thoughts! I want to feel loved by her, not make love to her. Somewhere it got twisted.
Any advice on how to stop these thoughts?
Any ideas on how to prevent this from happening again?
Thanks for your time. I know this was lengthy, but I never get to express myself this freely.
I would say the only "wrongness" in this would be the subordinate/authority issue you mentioned when she was your coach. It still could be inappropriate or illegal if she is an employee at a university and you are a student at the same university. But that's it. For some people, even such a great gap in the age difference is not an issue, and they keep a strong relationship. So when it comes to age, who am I to judge? If you do not feel you could be such a person (I'll be honest, I don't think I'm such a person, no matter if I were the older or younger party), then you may likely be developing a very strong friendship-mentorship that continues to deepen and affect all parts of your life.
As you so elegantly pointed out, sometimes our sexuality refuses to go into a neat little box. Here's a situation that well-demonstrates that something got a bit sloppy emotion-wise. I suspect this will happen again when you make a strong connection to another person, either male or female. At which point, you may have to re-evaluate your feelings and decide how to proceed, especially if that person is someone you really want to date and/or become intimate with!
As you can see, I don't always have the answers :) Sexuality is an individual's personal journey and something like this can happen to us to make us think, "maybe I'm not as settled as I thought I was." But at least we can then be more fluid and adapt to the change.