Gay/Lesbian Issues/My sexual orientation
Hi, I'm a 21 years old guy. First of all I'm attracted to woman, both physically and emotionally. But lately I've started to watch gay porn, and I just can't stop watching it. Funny thing is that I'm not attracted to men at all (only thing I can get to attracted sexually on a male body is an erect penis), only the sexual act makes me aroused. Despite that (as I mentioned above) I don't find man attractive, when I am aroused I have a feeling that I wouldn't mind having sex with men (excluding kissing, which I find unappealing whether I'm aroused or not). Last week I almost met up with a guy to have sex with, we were already chatting on a dating site, while I was masturbating, but soon as I ejaculate, I instantly turn back to "normal", and I instantly regret what I've done. I don't know why am I doing this. I consider myself straight since I could never form a romantic relationship with a men, only woman. What am I?
Hi Peter and thank you for your question. Please forgive the bluntness of my answer, but I hope to delve a little deeper into your situation. At the age of 21, you have successfully completed the journey through puberty, but your sexuality may have not yet come to full fruition. As you many know, there are many variations of sexuality besides 100% heterosexual and 100% homosexual. Is there some reason that being gay would be shameful or "wrong" for you? For example, do you see homosexuality as a sin, gay people as "other people" that you have little in common with, or had guilt issues after any kind of ejaculation in the past (speaking of which, have you ever ejaculated while thinking of a woman with another woman or even a woman by herself, or does the erect penis always figure prominently in your fantasies?)?
I would like to suggest that you consider the label "bisexual" or "bi curious" in the near future. You may or may not be "bisexual," but if you temporarily can grow to adopt the label, you will provide yourself with enough mental wiggle room as you explore your sexuality. It is quite normal for both gay and bisexual men to initially feel many of the issues you mentioned: disgust at kissing or certain sexual/intimate acts with someone of the same gender, immense guilt after reaching orgasm while having homosexual thoughts, the impossibility of a lasting romantic relationship with someone of the same gender, and great amounts of confusion and isolation. Sexual exploration is great, but don't neglect the social and cultural exploration. Go to a meeting of gay students at your school and make friends. Read books of scientific and sociological studies about sexuality. Determine the reason for your "guilt" after orgasm; in your fantasy what would be the perfect situation before, during, and after orgasm? What are you still curious about sexually?
It seems you have only begun your journey and need to give yourself time to determine "what you are." It is easy to get impatient, but there's no sense rushing yourself into an answer, because it does take significant amounts of experience and reflection.