Gay/Lesbian Issues/Confused about sexuality
Hey, I'm 20 years old and FTM. I have been on hormones for around 2 years now and they seem to have caused a shift in my sexuality that's left me very confused.
Prior to my transition, during my teens, I was very attracted to women. I found them to be both emotionally and sexually attractive. All my fantasises were about womenand despite my desperate attempts to like men, I had no feelings at all towards them. However I did watch gay men porn as it was the only porn I could find at the time and I did manage to get turned on by it.
When I first started taking hormones I suddenly began finding practically every woman attractive whereas before I was picky. For a few month it stayed much the same but then I began going back to my old habit of watching gay men porn. Slowly since then I have become less and less sexually attracted to women. All my fantasises focus on sex with men with only a very small proportion to do with women.
Having said that I cannot simply say that I am now gay or bisexual even because despite the above I have yet to develop even the tinyiest of crushes on a man. Infact recently I fancied a woman for nearly 10 months but I did not seem to fancy her the same way I have done with women before. It's hard for me to explain really...I got excited by her touch same as always but previously I would find myself staring at the woman I fancied lips or her legs maybe if she wore a skirt etc. I would be drawn to physical aspects of them and be very attracted by it. I did not seem to do that with this girl.
All I can figure out is that the idea of sex with a woman doesn't excite me nearly as much as it used to (I have had sex with women in the past and found it very satisfying). The idea of sex with a man (which I've never done) is exciting at least in my mind. But I only seem to get crushes on women and never men.
It's gotten to the point where I wondered if it was just because I automatically blank most men I pass by so I tried to pay more attention to see if perhaps I could actually find another man attractive but there's literally nothing.
I am very confused by the situation. I've thought so many things about what it could be, maybe all makes going through puberty feel this way and it eventually settles down? Maybe it's just a case of being excited by the unknown? Whatever the reason it's starting to give me headaches.
I could really use some advise please?
Hi Ethan and thanks for your message. I appreciate you sharing a bit about yourself and from what I’ve read, you have been living several transitions in your life. I congratulate you on your journey and wish you all things healthy and positive.
That being said, sexuality is incredibly complex and can be very confusing. Sexuality can also be fluid and evolve as the years go by. I’m going to fore go labels for a moment and address the physiological aspects of testosterone. Testosterone as you are aware, is in everyone regardless of the body you are born in. Those born and assigned female at birth have lower levels in general. As all of us age, our testosterone levels drop and for some people, they take testosterone replacement therapies for different medical reasons. One reason is to increase energy and libido. For you as someone who doesn’t naturally have same testosterone levels as natal guys, theoretically your libido and energy will increase. This is very common for transguys for their libidos to shoot up sharply and as you mentioned, a kind of male puberty. For some guys it eventually tapers. For others they adapt to the changes of their unique libido. And there are even others whose sexual orientation shifts altogether where they come out again as gay, bi, pansexual, etc. while still allowing themselves to be attracted and intimate with women whenever it naturally occurs. Here are some other reasons why you’re excitement by watching men on men may be higher:
1. Watching sex and in this case, porn, can be incredibly hot. All sexual orientations, straight, lesbian, gay, bi, etc. watch a variety of porn and porn genres that are different than their sexual orientation. For example, it’s not uncommon for lesbians to watch gay porn and get turned on by it. It’s also not uncommon for straight women to watch lesbian porn and still remain straight. The ‘idea’ turns them on but it doesn’t mean anything more than that. Also, fantasy can fun in our minds, make people feel really excited and yet it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to go out and do it. Sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily mean romantic attraction (and vice versa).
2. For some trans people starting medical transition is like a re-birth and prior to transition may have consciously or unconsciously suppressed their authentic selves. How can a person focus on their sexuality when much of their energy is/was navigating the gender expectations? That in and of itself can be incredibly stressful and as you may be aware emotionally and psychologically excruciating for others.
3. Maybe by being more present in your feelings that you simply realize that you enjoy watching dude on dude action and haven’t made a connection with any woman at the moment. Again, just because someone watches a kind of porn, doesn’t necessarily mean that their sexual orientation will shift. Perhaps you’re realizing that your sexuality is more broad than you have realized.
You may want to explore for yourself: Do you feel that it’s problematic that your sexual energy for women isn’t as high as it was before? And if so why and what stresses you out the most? And if not, what would it be like for you to embrace the broadening of your sexuality?
You may want to consider going to an FTM support group in your area or visit your local LGBT organization as many have free counseling services. Some have found talking to other transguys helpful; and not as uncommon as once thought. Also online FTM forums may be useful too. If you have the financial means, there is a conference called “Gender Odyssey” – just google, where there may be sessions that explore the impacts of medical transition on the body and sexuality.
I hope this response is helpful. What I wanted to ultimately highlight is that your situation is not unusual whatsoever. Where the issue for many lies is in their own reactions to the shift; how one thinks about the shift or whether one allows themselves to embrace the evolutions in their sexuality.
Dr. Reece Malone