Gay/Lesbian Issues/Dealing with best friends


So my question comes with alot of background information, so Ill try to explain my situation the best that I am able.

I have only been out as a lesbian for a about 6 months now, but a few months ago I met this girl and it was an instant connection. We started dating relatively soon after meeting. On the second or third date, she told me that when we started she was technically still in a relationship with this other girl Shae, but ended it with her because she felt more with me. Shae is asexual, so needs someone with the emotional part but not the sexual (Vanessa wants the sexual awell). Shae and Vanessa are still best friends and I am ok with that, but my issue is that about a week ago, Vanessa broke up with me becuase she said she "still loves Shae" Later she changed her mind, and told me that she was just confused, that she was not in love with Shae, and wanted to be with me. After this event Vanessa and Shae continue to be best friends and hang out all the time. I feel like Vanessa still wants Shae but cant get her back. This is creating alot of drama with me and Vanessa becuase i feel like I cannot trust her anymore and that shes going to hurt me.

Any advice would help
Weather its information on being Asexual, how i should cope with my feelings, should I just end it?

Thanks, Crystal

Greetings Crystal. Thanks for sharing your situation with be about your relationship with Vanessa.

I can certainly empathize that you may be feeling uncertainty especially since Vanessa and Shae  continue to spend time together shortly after breaking up. The lines can be perceived as blurry leaving you to wonder what's really going on.

Have you shared your concerns with Vanessa? Perhaps this may be positive step as well as sharing what 'you' need to cultivate a more solid relationship. So part of this picture is really asking yourself, what you need from a girlfriend to help cultivate or nourish your relationship. What do 'you' need to help build trust with Vanessa? Is that even possible for you? Trust is about not what one does per se, but the actual consistency of what one does. Are both of you willing to work on your relationship? Are you both willing to work on trust - as it works both ways? Perhaps seeing a couple's counselor in your area may be helpful too especially if both of you are feeling stuck on how to move forward in your relationship.

Perhaps you already know what to do. In your last sentence, "This is creating a lot of drama with be and Vanessa because I feel like I cannot trust her anymore..." If you don't trust her anymore, one of the big questions you may want to honestly ask yourself is why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust?

You may want to ask yourself whether it's even possible for your relationship to move forward. Note that anything is possible so long as the both of you are committed to working on your relationship and doing what it takes to make your relationship last. That includes asking hard questions, being honest about personal boundaries, and sharing what you need from each other that nurture the integrity and strength of the relationship. This is all hard work that requires commitment and intention. It's also a journey which doesn't happen over night. Remember, consistency builds trust. And if someone isn't consistent, how are you to trust?

I don't necessarily think the issue here is the asexuality part. Rather, the points of contention is whether Vanessa still has feelings for her ex, the mixed messages you have received, and the uncertainty that you have been feeling. Make sense?

I strongly encourage you to reach out to your local LGBT center as they may have counselors that can help provide you with support and may be even do couple's work if you and Vanessa decide you want to work through these concerns you are facing.

I hope my insight has helped.

Kind regards,

Dr. Reece Malone  

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Reece Malone


I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.


I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit:

American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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