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Gay/Lesbian Issues/These lesbian thoughts are scary me pls help!

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Never since a week before my 17th I had a dream that I was naked and that I was on my bed with a naked guy to and we started making out and then out of no where the guy turned into a naked girl and I woke up from that dream so scared and I didn't like it at all! And ever since then I have been having this thoughts that might be lesbian but I know that I'm not but it keeps scaring. When ever I go out I found that I alway check out other girls but I don't think it is that I want to have sex with her I think that it is because I am jealous of her body (I'm a bigger girl) and I have also never had sex before and I think that might be why I am having these thoughts but I don't know. It's just scaring me so much that some times I want to hurt myself. But sometimes I think I have these thoughts is bc I am around so many gay people at work. But also when I see myself getting marring to a guy NOT a girl but it just scaring me so much pls help me!!

Answer
Dear Jaclyn,

I apologize for the tardy response, but wish to place your mind at ease.   Please do not hurt yourself.  Your feelings are understandable and you are not alone.  The subconscious manifests a variety of things through images. The dream could have been about power dynamics, not paying attention to detail at work, wanting one thing and getting something else, and so on.

Dreams are not literal.  There have been studies that show that a number of heterosexuals have same sex fantasies or dreams.  Just because you dreamed about making out with a woman doesn't mean that you are a lesbian.  

Please see:
http://books.google.com/books?id=omV2rhYAoh4C&pg=PA6&lpg=PA6&dq=same+sex+fantasy

http://conscious-transitions.com/what-if-im-gay/

It's easy to fall into the trap of having to know the answer or boxing yourself into a particular label.  I've been there and it's easy to spin round and round inside your head.  The best advice that I can give you is to take a deep breath and let the dreams be just that, dreams.  If it feels good at the time, just roll with it.  If it doesn't, then getting upset will wake you up.  Don't let being "a bigger girl" limit your options.  There are plenty of folks who love us for who we are and how we are.

If these dreams or concerns continue to plague you to the point that they are interfering with your happiness or ability to live your life, then it might be helpful to seek the services of a counselor or therapist.  For now, just give yourself permission to let your thoughts and dreams go where they will.

Regards,

Michael

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Michael Hernandez

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding gender issues having lived as both lesbian and gay. I can also address relationship questions being in a 14 year polyamorous relationship.

Experience

I am a trans (Female to Male) and have been in that community for the past 17 years and have presented in College/University classes as well as maintaining a website with links and information regarding gender issues [http://www.otherbear.com]

Organizations belong to
National Writer's Union, FTM Alliance of Los Angeles, Inc.

Publications
I've written articles for gender publications and have contributions in Bears on Bears by Ron Suresha (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 2002), Academy: Tales of the Market Place by Laura Antoniou (New York: Mystic Rose Books, 2000), "I Am Neither Man Nor Woman" Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue, ed. Leslie Feinberg (Boston: Beacon Press, 1998), "Holding My Breath Under Water" Looking Queer , ed. Dawn Atkins (Hayworth Press, 1998), "Boundaries: Gender and Transgenderism," The Second Coming , eds. Pat(rick) Califia and Robin Sweeney (San Francisco: Alyson Publications, 1996), and "Packing, Passing & Pissing," Dagger , eds. Lily Burana, Roxxie, and Linnea Due (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1994). Appearance in Transmen & FTMS: Identities, Bodies, Genders & Sexualities by Jason Cromwell (University of Illinois Press, 1999), etc.

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