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Gay/Lesbian Issues/I have strong feelins for my friend. i cant tell if she likes me back.


I've known her for 3 or 4 years now. She's my first female crush and I didn't think she was bi so I never said anything to her. She used to always compliment my outfits, hair, and my body. We used to hug all the time; sometimes just whenever I would see her and we live in the same apartment so sometimes multiple times a day. She used to always try to hang out with me, and she would buy me clothes and jewelry. I thought she was just being friendly because it never crossed my mind she could be bi but when another friend of mine told me she has a crush on me I felt more brave and I told her I'm bi and asked if she is too. She told me when she was younger she was with girls but that she ultimately wanted a boyfriend. She said the girls were too complicated. She then hesitantly said that she thinks she's straight but that its fun to kiss girls. On another day I told her this time that I like her as more than a friend, and asked if she's bi because her previous answer confused me. She told me she has crushes on girls all the time. She told me she has a crush on me and that she's happy I like her too. But she also said she can't say she's bi right now because she's in a straight relationship. That was almost a year ago. Now, after that talk she sometimes is very nice to me; flirting maybe, but other times she ignores me or feels like she's a little distant from me. I always ask to hang out, she doesn't ask me anymore but when I ask she always says she's too busy and I'm not sure if its just excuses. We don't hug at all anymore and I just feel this tension between us that wasn't there before. My same friend who told me she likes me told me it sounds like she's falling in love with me, but I worry she just doesn't have feelings for me anymore or even if she does still like me that the feelings may be too much and our friendship will end. My feelings have grown for her, sometimes I wonder if I'm falling in love with her and it makes me scared of her; I freeze around her or practically run away. Does her actions say she still likes me, is falling in love, she's over me or she doesn't want to be friends? Is she confused? Why is she acting this way?

Hi Angela,

Thank you for your question and sharing with me what you've been experiencing.

Personal feelings and the feelings of others can be awfully complicated especially when there's mixed messages and uncertainty. What's important is that what you mean, may have a completely different meaning to the next person so clarity and clear communication is key rather than guessing and assuming which can ramp up the feelings of confusion. When we assume, then it feeds the guessing and confusion. It's like a cycle and loop that can spin around and around.

So here is what you've described:
As your first female crush, you enjoyed the attention she was giving you until you shared you had feelings for her. She said she ultimately sees herself attracted to men. Since then, she is inconsistent with how you perceive she treats you. Sometimes she's close and other times she's distant. She has said in different ways she doesn't want to spend time with you and that you both are no longer affectionate.

I invite you to ask yourself why are you spending your energy on someone who clearly doesn't want to spend time with you? It's been a year since you've been in this cycle, yes? It sounds like after you telling her your feelings towards her, she has withdrawn. In a sense, she may be communicating, "Hey I like this person, I respect them and I don't want to lose them as a friend so I'll keep them close but not fuel their emotions."

Sure, she may be bi, or maybe not. It's very common for women to explore their feelings and emotions with other women. What's most important however is how she feels about you and how she treats you. Not the label.

At the end of the day, I can't guess what she's thinking or feeling without me directly asking her. If you want to be sure so you can make informed decisions for yourself, I suggest that you sit her down (maybe over coffee or somewhere casual) and simply ask. Something along the lines of:

"Hey, I wanted to clear the air about something that's been nagging me for a while. Remember when I told you that I had feelings for you? How did you feel about that? After, I noticed that we haven't been the same since. You know how I feel about you but I need to know if you feel the same way. If you don't, how can 'we' work through this so it's not so awkward?"

Be prepared that she may not share the same feelings as you do. Matters of the heart can be really tough and I empathize with how you feel. But you owe it to yourself to know how she feels, from her mouth and not take the opinions of others. That's not fair to you or her. She deserves the opportunity to be upfront and truthful to you as you deserve absolute clarity. However, if she does share your feelings, even somewhat, then you both can mull it over and share your hopes and realities.

I wish you all the love and joy in the world.

Kind regards,

Dr. Reece Malone  

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Reece Malone


I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.


I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit:

American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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