Gay/Lesbian Issues/Dating as a girl

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Question
Can this relationship last like this?

I recently fell in love with a handsome and intelligent university student while I was dressed as a girl after being persuaded by a friend and I am wondering how this is going to work.

I'm 15, 5'6", 8st and have shoulder-length ash brown hair with very little body hair so I do look like a girl.

On the night, I was wearing a black dress with black heels and had red lipstick, blue eyeshadow and black eyeliner while I was out I loved every moment of it.

When we met it was love at first sight and we had so much in common and the greatest moment of my life was when we kissed each other and started our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I was disappointed with myself knowing I couldn't be intimate with him because I'm 15 and a male but I still did sleep with him and went mad at him when he tried to take off my bra (he would have found my secret).

Answer
Greetings Nicky,

Thank you for your message. Sorry for the delay as I've been out of town on a conference.

From what I understand from your message, you are attracted to someone male identified however he doesn't know that you are natal male despite that you express (or have expressed) yourself as female.

To answer your question, I think there are a number of issues to consider including:
- How do you think he will react if you disclosed you don't identify as a female
- If you identify as a female (or some kind of fluid gender), how do you think he will react if you shared you identify as a female despite what you were assigned at birth?

For many people in your shoes, it will be very difficult to not eventually disclose your gender identity (male, trans female, or something else altogether). The longer you wait, the more betrayed and angry he may feel. And if he finds out from other people - rather than you, how will you respond?

He believes you are a female. If you identify as a female, then it's not dishonest as there are many transgender people who are female (even though they are born natally male). If you identify as a male, did drag or cross dressed, and have no intention of transitioning, then he may feel a deep sense of betrayal. That betrayal can be tapered if you shared with him who you truly are.

I sympathize with your situation, especially if you are attracted to him. Who knows, maybe he's bi and would be attracted to you regardless. But that will grow when or if he reconciles (or forgives) what happened. He may feel anger, hurt, betrayal, confusion and even disgust. He may feel duped by you. It's important for you to be prepared for all those feelings and reactions and be prepared to let him know that it wasn't your intention to not be upfront with him from the beginning. It's also important to gauge, in the event he becomes deeply angry, whether your are safe. If he is angry and tells his friends, he and his friends may respond with homophobia which can put you in both emotional and physical danger.

As you can see, there are so many risks with withholding or not mentioning it at all. If do mention it, I encourage that you tell him privately and have a person you trust to check-in with after you tell him.

You may want to reach out to your local LGBT center for additional counseling or support.

All the best to you.  

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Reece Malone

Expertise

I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.

Experience

I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit: http://www.reecemalone.com

Organizations
American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Publications
Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Education/Credentials
Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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