Gay/Lesbian Issues/Am I Wrong?


I slept with the guy my gay best friend (who won't accept he is gay) has had a crush on for several years now, but the guy he likes isn't gay. Am I Wrong for sleeping with him, and how can I make my friend see that I didn't mean to hurt him.

Greetings Sarah, and thank you for your sharing your concern with me.

Sounds like the situation can complicate your friendship with your best friend. Most likely your friend is experiencing feelings of betrayal and hurt because they have had strong feelings for the guy you slept with. From my vantage, the betrayal is the major issue and not the fact that the guy may or may not be gay. Your friend may also be questioning whether what was confidentially shared with you was disclosed to the guy you slept with. So atop that, there may be an additional issue of trust from your friend's part that may also add to the feelings of hurt and betrayal.

What I would invite you to think about is your intentions with the guy you slept with from here on. Are you considering a relationship with him? Was it a one time hook up or a potential friends with benefits?

Forgiveness and moving forward requires time and acknowledgement of your friend's feelings. There is no other way around it but to allow your friend to process their feelings and for you to be upfront and honest. I can't tell you whether you were wrong or not, that is for you to decide. If you feel you were wrong, name it. And then work on re-building trust and boundaries with your friend for example guys that he's into = off limits for you regardless if you are the one pursued and not him. Or guys that he's into, for you to be upfront immediately to help quell feelings of rejection. What I can tell you is that if you have intentions of perusing a relationship with this fella, or are uncertain whether or not you want a future with this guy, that you are completely upfront with your friend. Remind your friend that your relationship matters to you and that this 'incident' should not discount the wonderful friendship that you built. Collectively come together and discuss both your feelings without being defensive or dismissive. You both have a right to your feelings. And you both have a right to have your feelings acknowledged by the other.

I'm sorry that my response isn't black and white. When sex is involved, the matter can be complicated especially if there are feelings of hurt and betrayal. The hardest thing to do is turn towards hurt feelings. Most people turn away from the hurt feelings and not address them at all. This only builds possible resentment to the point where all the little things then become a battle.

If you both agree that your friendship is worth fighting for, I highly recommend seeing a counselor to help facilitate a discussion between the both of you. Free services are usually available at a local LGBT center or they would know where to refer you to free or low fee services.

I wish you both all the best in reconciling your relationship. I trust that because you contacted me, that your friendship does matter.  

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Reece Malone


I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.


I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit:

American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

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