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Gay/Lesbian Issues/how to stop a man from bisexual feelings


Question 23 yrs man has moved to US 1 yr ago for his masters..we are in relationship since 5 in US he was turning in to a gay..he has the feelings for some other guy there..he was not intimate with sexual feelings are generating in him even if he saw me naked..i was very much bothered about my future to stop him from transforming into gay...i need him as monosexual..i will do anything for him..please help me

Dear Rama,

Thank you for your question.  It can always be a bit of a shock when a partner you believed was heterosexual tells you that he/she has feelings for someone of the same gender.  You say you were in a relationship for four years in India.  Sometimes people in these relationships say they had a feeling something was not quite right and other times, one partner kept the secret well hid.  Still, it is very difficult to deal with the feelings that arise in such a circumstance.

I know you love him very much and would do anything to keep him.  You must understand that you did nothing wrong in this situation.  You also should understand that there is nothing you can do.  A person does not "transform" into gay.  He has held these feelings for a very long time but was afraid to tell you the truth.  You have to remember he never wanted to be intimate and he was never aroused when you were naked.  It is likely he was always sexually and romantically attracted to other men.  It is only now, far from the pressures of society and family members, that he can tell you the truth.  Although the truth may break your heart, the fact that he is telling you about these personal feelings means he does care deeply for you.

I'm not sure whether your relationship was an arranged one or one by choice, but this scenario is very common in Indian couples who were placed into an arranged marriage by their parents.  I have met several Indian men who were in this situation (and there are women in this situation, too, of course).  They are gay men who feel free to have relationships with men in the U.S. but are also engaged to marry a woman in India.  Many of these men are unable to have a successful relationship -- if they try to have a relationship with the man they love in the U.S., they feel guilt-ridden and shamed, so these relationships often end quickly.  If they go home to India and marry, they are depressed and do not love their wives in a romantic way.

As difficult as this is, I would suggest you write or call him.  Tell him that you are heart-broken, but you want him to find happiness, and if that happiness is with another man, then he should pursue that with his whole heart.  On the other hand, you must explain that you also have to go on with your life and find someone who is capable of loving you with his whole heart.  He has to understand that there is the possibility someone will find out the reason why the relationship ended (although you probably don't want to tell anyone about this secret, for your emotional well-being, you might find yourself in a situation where you have to), and he must accept the consequences of that.

You cannot make your boyfriend heterosexual.  Even if you could force him to marry you, you cannot force him to love you.  And a relationship without love is often more painful than a life without marriage.

Best Wishes,

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