Gay/Lesbian Issues/do I sound gay?


I fantasize about snuggling up to a guy, resting my head on a guy's shoulder, being wrapped up in a guy's arms, having sex in the girl's position (course I am a girl in the fantasies)& there is something about a hairy chest or 5'o clock shadow BUT I'm all into an emotional relationship with girls but no sex.

Hi Jeff,

And thank you for your question. Your question is actually pretty complex because ethically, I'm not in a position to determine what 'sounds gay'. What I will say is that attraction comes in many forms (straight, gay, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual, queer, asexual or something else), both sexual and non sexual, and can shift and evolve at anytime of one's life. You are the expert of your life where no one person, other than you, can tell you what you are.

Fantasies that involve individuals seeing themselves as a different gender and attraction than how they are in everyday life is common - but not really discussed openly.

For some people, it's just a hot fantasy with no desire to change their gender, or change the way they have sex with certain people.

For others, it's a way to explore gender, desire, and attraction which is otherwise difficult to explore in everyday life.

There are also people who feel trapped in who they are and so fantasizing is away to provide a bit of relief and freedom (even if it's for a few minutes).

That being said, you may want to consider asking yourself the following:

- Do I feel that my identity deep down is female or a different gender other than exclusively male? If so, you may want to explore your gender identity as potentially a transgender person who is sexually attracted to males

- You mentioned you are emotionally attracted to girls but not into having sex with girls. If so, you may want to consider whether you are bisexual, or even biromantic. The term biromantic comes from the asexual community where one can love or be deeply connected to a gender without being sexually attracted to them (see for more information)

- If you see yourself as a male, and are exclusively attracted to men (and no other gender) perhaps you may be consider your sexual orientation as gay

- If you see yourself attracted to men and women to varying degrees, you may want to explore whether you are bisexual or pansexual. Pansexual refers to a wide attraction to different genders including male, female and transgender


- You may want to give yourself permission to have no labels with the idea of "you are who you are" and no one identity captures your uniqueness. Some people who feel this way have identified as queer rather than straight, bi, gay or lesbian.

I hope those suggestions have given you some food for thought. They can be complex to work through on your own so you may want to consider reaching out to a counselor at your local gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender community center or counsellors who have a non judgemental approach on sexual orientation. Depending where you live, I may have some contacts for you.

All the best in your journey of self-discovery!  

Gay/Lesbian Issues

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Reece Malone


I can answer questions on sexual orientation, gender identity, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and transsexual sexuality (youth and adult), coming out and disclosure, transgender and gender-non conformity including transition process, how to support a partner of someone GLBT, sexuality and faith/spirituality/religion, safer sex and harm reduction, comprehensive sexuality education, and questions from service providers working with LGBT individuals and families.


I'm currently a full time sexuality educator and facilitator specializing in sexual orientation and gender identity. I hold the positions of the Education Program Coordinator at the Rainbow Resource Centre (supporting LGBTTQ individuals, families and allies) as well as clinical sexologist at Four Rivers Medical Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. My roles include: sexuality education, counseling/therapy, media spokesperson and consultant. I have sat on several non-profit sexuality organizations as well as been a consultant to the World Health Organization/Pan American Health Organization as well as the Public Health Agency of Canada. For more information visit:

American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, The American College of Sexologists, The Canadian AIDS Information Treatment Exchange, The Canadian Professional Association for Transgender Health, The Sexual Health Educator's Network (Manitoba), The International Society for Sexual Medicine.

Malone, R. (2010). "ShoutOut Against Homophobia, Biphobia, Transphobia and Heterosexism." Rainbow Resource Centre. Winnipeg, Canada. Malone, R. et al (2010). "Your Questions Answered. Gender Identity in Schools." Public Health Agency of Canada. Ottawa, Canada.

Undergradate degree in sociology - specialized focus on human sexuality Masters of Public Health (Sexology) Doctorate of Human Sexuality

©2017 All rights reserved.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]