AboutTedd Adams Expertise I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.
Experience I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above.
Publications Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano
Education/Credentials Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).
Expert: Tedd Adams Date: 6/29/2008 Subject: partner's past lovers creating problems in current relationship
Question Having been in several relationships, some long (3 or more years), I have come upon an issue in my current relationship that I never had to address before. My partner and I have argued over his desire to maintain relationships with his ex-lovers and friends who became lovers (just to see if it would work), but are now just friends (he claims). Twice in the 2 years we have been together, I have found out that they have contacted him and also that on one occassion, he wanted to help one of them out by giving them plants for a garden. But at first, he only said he was helping out a friend,and then when pressed, admitted that it was an ex-lover.
I have tried looking at why my partner feels he needs to maintain these friendships (or checking in to see if they are o.k., as he says) and doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends with them. Yes, there is some jealously on my part I have to admit, but also, I don't like the idea of my partner hanging out with someone he was involved with sexually; also I don't want to hang around with people he has been involved with, as it makes 'our' intimacy/relationship to me, seem not as special as I thought, but just another ol' relationship. I have also found out that many of his childhood friends has also had sex with him when he was in high school and into his early twenties, but not he 'once again' just considers them friends. Now when we do get together with those he swears are/were only friends, I always have a sneaking suspicion that they may have been a little more than that. Can a relationship survive if one partner insists (or sneaks) in having friendships with his ex-lovers? Does/doesn't those relationships with ex-lovers adversely affect one's current relationship? Should or should it not matter? Very interested in knowing.
Answer Hi Levi
Since your questions all seek support for your position, rather than seeking advice as to how you might better handle the situation, I must warn you that you are not going to like my answer. But since you asked, here goes.
There is one thing that is certain to kill your relationship, and it is NOT your partners associations with former lovers. The irony of jealousy is that it almost without exception results in exactly the opposite from that of its intended effect. That is, as you act in such extremely jealous... and unreasonable... ways, this is likely to only foster further hostility and resentment, thus deteriorating your relationship with your partner. If it continues, you can be sure that at some point, he will tire of it.
I hope that you are willing to examine your own actions, rather than being so suspicious of your partner and his continued friendships with exes. Such cordial relationships are to be admired. They are the sign of a mature adult behaving civilly. As gay men, it is just a reality that you have to come to accept that many of our closest friends are former lovers. That is one thing that sets us apart from our straight counterparts, whose relationships don't often end so amicably.
If his hanging out with former lovers causes you so much grief, I think you need to examine your own insecurity with the situation, rather than assuming anything sinister on his part. If this makes you feel like your relationship is not so special, this is something you need to talk through with him, not make ultimatums.
And if you're tempted to be suspicious when he doesn't offer the full truth, consider that it may not be because he truly has anything to hide, as you seem to assume, but because he would rather not deal with your inevitable immature response to the truth.
So, to answer your questions one-by-one and directly... Can a relationship survive is one partner insists in having friendships with his ex-lovers? Yes, not only survive, but flourish, because people who can have a civil relationship with their exes, and those who can have civil relationships with his lovers' exes, demonstrates the level of trust and maturity it takes to built true, loving intimacy.
Don't those relationships with ex-lovers adversely affect one's current relationship? Only if the other person in the relationship chooses to make an issue where there is none, and thereby driving a wedge between the two, and sending the message "I don't trust you." That's a relationship killer.
Should or should it not matter? I think you can guess by now where I stand on this.
If you were just looking to support your position, I'm sorry you didn't find what you were looking for here. But if you were looking for honest, unvarnished advice, here it is: You are the one completely in the wrong here. You're acting childish and your immaturity and jealously are hindering your relationship. Your partner is clearly at a more advanced level of interpersonal relationships, and if you don't get up to speed quickly, he will grow tired of it, and then you will be sure to lose him. If you want to salvage this situation, I would advise that you have a very serious conversation with him whereby you explain that you realize how petty you've been. I think you'll be amazed at how much stronger your relationship will be, almost immediately.
