AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me as well has both spectrums in my family too: family that took me for who I am and family that 'disinherited' me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question QUESTION: Hey Adriaan, my name is Matt, I'm 18 years old and I am here to ask you for your advice on yet another "straight guy crush" situation.
I suppose I should start with a little about myself first though. I live in a small town which is not very "gay-friendly" and so far there have only been two openly gay guys at my school, both of whom have since graduated.
However, this past school year (my junior year) I took a Sociology class second semester during which I met a REALLY nice guy, who I quickly became friends with.
I knew the first day he came into class that I was going to have a tough time not drooling over him, because not only is he attractive and popular, but he's what I consider "real". He doesn't have a fake personality nor a big head despite being a very successful wrestler state-wise etc.
During the 20 weeks I shared this class with him, we really got to know each other pretty well. After a time I decided to come out to him, and he took it SO well...better than some people who have known me way longer than he has! He shoved it aside like it was no big deal, I couldn't believe it.
As soon as I started developing feelings for him, I knew I had to restrict myself. I knew crushing on a straight boy would be so unhealthy for me and I did quite a good job for quite a long time. I didn't subtly flirt with him or anything, I didn't even touch him...no hugs or handshakes or anything.
Then on his last day of school, he gave me this letter because the week before I suggested we do something special on the seniors last day.
Here is the letter:
Matt,
thank you so much. You have been such a great friend and you really have changed my life. I find myself different in many ways because I met you and because of the things we have talked about over these last couple of months. You are someone that I will always remember. Without you in 2nd hour I don't know what I would have done with myself, aaaaaaaahhhhhhh, Mr. S will never shut up. Good luck with everything and thanks for putting up with my ridiculous problems. I honestly don't have one bad thing to say about that class (aside from the talking) and it is all thanks to you. Sorry this is sort I'm not much of a writer.
It was the sweetest thing everyones ever given me and as soon as I read it all the walls I'd built to make sure he didn't worm his way into my heart shattered and I wanted nothing more than to bury my head into his chest and cry. I'd shared a lot of personal things with him and he with me, like the problems he was having with his girlfriend etc. but this was so different and foreign to me.
Now, he has graduated and I miss him terribly and he gave me his phone number that last day but I've been too nervous to call him. I did text him once though to which he replied and said that, although he was busy he was glad I called.
Since then he hasn't replied to anything but I think he has good reason. He is in a band and they have been doing a lot of shows and recording a CD recently, so he's been very busy.
Yet, due to my pessimism I can't help thinking I freaked him out (because I did send him a reply letter to the one he gave me, in which I thanked him for being my friend and said his girlfriend was lucky to be with someone so nice).
His band will be having a show in my town in a week or so and I plan on going, but I honestly do not know what to do about this situation. I like him very much, I have some of his music on my MP3 player and I listen to it before I go to bed and I keep his note folded up in my wallet.
I really do care for him deeply, but I'm at a standstill. Any and all advice you could give would be great. By the way, he does dress rather metrosexually, not that indicates his sexuality but that added to his personality traits and all the things he's done/said to me make me wonder.
Thank you so much!!!
Sincerely,
Matt
ANSWER: Hi again Matt
I feel like such an idiot now... I read your letters the wrong way around! You have already told me everything I need in THIS letter! I apologize.
You have the true signs of someone that has feelings, it is SO refreshing to read something of someone that is also so REAL, just like yourself! The biggest signs were ofcourse you not wanting to touch him, hehe! Yes, we are sometimes so afraid that we will be caught out to having feelings, we tend to ignore someone like the plague. That's very normal, don't worry about it! I don't think he were freaked out by you in any way. You were very true in how you felt, even if you think you didn't show it, and that is why he wrote the letter, to tell you he knows how you feel, more than you think. Even if he has a girlfriend, men are ofcourse allowed to love other men, and it's got nothing to do with sexual preference.
This brings us to your feelings for him. You have them, right? :-) So the question is rather what you're going to do about them. You might think that, yes, he's gone now from your life, but he doesn't have to be. Even if you can never have him the way you might have dreamt you could have, you can still have the best friend ever! Get as close to him you can and be the best friend he can have short of having a boyfriend! It's such an exciting thing, embrace it!
Now, his feelings for you. Maybe he has, maybe he has never thought of you that way, no one can say unless you ever want to confront him about it, but sometimes action speak louder than words. You need to make a decision, are you going to let him go (easier path and you are already on this one), or are you going to fight to keep him, even just as a friend. He sounds like a fantastic guy and they are rare. So do you, by the way :-)
Tell me more sometime if you like, tell me about the concert and so on, and we will take it a day at a time, build a strategy...
Good luck
Adriaan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for your letter, it made me smile. I don't want to loose him but I feel like he doesn't want me around anymore...he hasn't replied to anything I've sent him and I'm far too nervous to call!
Anyway, I figured you might like to see something. In my spare time I write poetry and it is all collected on a website. I will give you the link to it now and I would like you to read the poem "For Good". That was written for and inspired by Nick, who of course has not seen it.
www.allpoetry.com/Matt622
Feel free to read the rest if you want, but "For Good" is the one I would like you read first. Also, here is Nick's bands myspace page, perhaps looking at him and seeing how he dresses etc. can help you in deciphering what he is/is not:
www.myspace.com/sevennightstandmi
Answer Matt
I found myself staring at your poetry, and it changed my life. That such words can come from another human being is just, well, ironically there are no words to describe your words. I feel stupid in what I write here all of a sudden, knowing that there is a guy out there that can paint masterpieces with his feelings the way you do. Accept my apology for my broken English, it's not my first language by the way :-)
I had a look at Nick, yes, I can see what you mean, but he doesn't look more gay than my very straight brother looks! Some guys just have that kind of dress sense I guess. Of course it's impossible to tell from just a picture, but he seems like a (very) attractive guy who probably has every single person guy and girl wanting him. What he doesn't know, is that what he could find in you is not just another groupie, but a real person. Why do you hide your feelings so? Think about this for a moment, what will he do if he knew the real story, Matt? Will he be mad? Shocked? Will he hate you? Will he laugh at you? I cannot see that he would. I think he already knows.
Sometimes (more often than not!), we assume that the 'other guy' knows how this game works and we are the stupid idiots that have no clue. That's not true, because those 'other guys' are just as clueless as us and are also just winging life as it comes. He might be wondering about the same things as you right this moment. The only way to know is to ask. I don't mean grab the phone call him and ask 'hey, dude, like do you like want me or what?' ;-p I mean talk to him. How about starting with a friendship. It's kinda funky to think you know a band lead vocalist!
In my opinion, don't lose this guy. So you're nervous to call. If it was easy, there would have been something wrong, hehe! He is not someone to be afraid of, Matt. He is just as human as you, have flaws and doubts. He might be just as 'dependent' on your friendship as you are on his.
Sexuality is not black and white. I had a straight roommate who made out with me on a few occasions, and a gay roommate once who only picked up girls in gay clubs! It's all about polysexualism. It's about finding someone, regardless of what they are, and more who they are, you know?
