AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me as well has both spectrums in my family too: family that took me for who I am and family that 'disinherited' me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question I'm sorry to be sending you another message Adriaan but I felt I was not thorough enough when describing my friends "metrosexuality".
He actually wears his girlfriends jackets/t-shirts sometimes which threw me off a bit. It's not like when girls wear their boyfriends letter jacket, he was wearing her like, hoodie from H&M and he would wear her t-shirts and things.
He also participated in our schools male beauty pagent and, for the swimsuit portion wore a girls tube top which he stuffed and a pair of little atheletic shorts.
I don't know, I just got a vibe from him but even if I am right and he does turn out to be bi/gay I don't know if he'd ever come out.
And, lastly here is the letter I sent to him in reply to the one he gave to me (I am so sorry this is so long, but I just want you to know everything so you can really examine the situation and give me your best answer):
I'm not going to be able to do anything else today until I write you this. Your letter was the nicest thing anyone has ever given to me, it was heartfelt and honest and kept me smiling for the remainder of the school day. I suppose now its my turn to be honest with you, not that I haven't been but I haven't exactly told you everything I thought either. I'm not really sure where to start, I suppose I should go back to the beginning.
I remember the first time you talked to me, your friend Russ had just dropped Sociology and you came in and Mr. Spresney sat you behind me. I had no previous knowledge as to who you were and I wasn't really planning on developing any sort of friendship with you at all, or even talking to you for that matter. I can be rather shy at times and that very first day you were placed in Sociology you tapped me and asked what we were working on and we've talked each day since then.
I immediately noticed what a friendly and charming person you are and that kind of set me back a little. I'm not really used to guys being nice to me. Most of the time they are either teasing me or, if they're gay, making a move on me. I obviously knew it wasn't the second so I figured you had some sort of ulterior motive to being as nice as you were.
However, as time went on I realized that you were just a nice person...period. That's so rare nowadays, to meet someone who is so kind and polite to everybody. In the twenty weeks we've had to get to know each other, I've never heard you talk badly about anyone (aside from Lindsay, who deserved it for being rude). What really made me value that hour we had together was how incredibly accepting you were when I told you about my sexuality. I couldn't believe it, you shoved it aside like it was nothing...which is exactly what people should do because it really doesn't matter.
Being a Cancer, I don't tend to make my true feelings known and it really is a horrible thing but I couldn't bring myself to say the things I'm about to now to your face and I'm sorry for that. One thing I think you should know though, is that Ashlee (I believe thats how it's spelled) should consider herself very very lucky to be with a guy like you.
I have been in relationships where I was treated so horribly it made me scared to ever tell anyone how I was feeling ever again. Over the past year I put up so many walls to protect myself from the cruelties of people and you got through them with ease. You told me once that you and Ashlee would lay on a blanket under the stars together, that is one of the most romantic things I've ever heard and yet another reason why I hope she really appreciates you.
I'm very romantic and I would do anything to find someone capable of loving me the way you seem to love your girlfriend. I know thats going to be difficult for me considering so many people are homophobic.
I suppose what I'm really trying to say with all this is that you're a really wonderful person and I am really going to be sad come second hour on Tuesday.
I don't know how I've changed you, but you really have changed me Nick. You restored my faith in humanity and relationships and for that, I cannot thank you enough. I felt so bad for sitting away from you today but I felt I needed to for multiple reasons.
First, your senior friends like Spencer and Cory deserved your attention more than I did, you've all been going to school together for such a long time, I could not have interrupted that last hour you'd have together even if I'd wanted to.
Also, I felt I needed to get used to not having you around anymore. Next week is going to be torture, I am really going to miss your company. In your letter you thanked me for putting up with your "ridiculous problems"...that made me laugh because I didn't find any of the things you said to me ridiculous.
It's strange...but somehow this friendship that has only been a semester long seems stronger than ones I have with people I've known for years. I really want to thank you for everything you've done for me, I owe you more thanks than I could ever express in words.
I don't expect to see you again, unless its a chance encounter in a store or something and I am content with that. The time I did get with you is what I will make last if we don't get any more.
I won't expect to hear from you too soon either...I know you're going to be VERY busy now that you're all done with school =D.
I wish you only the best in everything you do, and know that I'm never going to forget you.
Sincerely,
Matt
5-23-2008
Answer Hi Matt/Nick :)
Well, you are truly blessed if you can have a friend like this! Why can't you guys keep in contact any more? It's the 21st century there's phones and email and IM and airplanes and trains! Don't lose a friend like this!
That said, I think the situation might be confusing him incredibly. He is troubled by his feelings for you since he didn't like the idea of guys coming onto him, but now he feels something for you and it's scary for him, he doesn't want to hurt you or the good friendship/memory of a friendship.
I am still dumbfounded by the letter, one does not get these any more! How do you feel about this? IS it freaking you out at all? I mean, it's flattering isn't it? And flattery has not hurt anyone as of yet! Please tell me how you feel about this so we can take it for there!
