AboutTedd Adams Expertise I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.
Experience I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above.
Publications Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano
Education/Credentials Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years, we have a good relationship and don't really argue. If we do then we talk about the problem and sort things out together. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend told me that he was down and fed up but didn't know why, he said it was nothing to do with me and that he was stressed out at work as he owns his own company (which i know can be stressful). I left it at that and helped him were i could and tried to relax him and talk about it. In that 2 weeks i could tell that he wasn't happy so i asked he said its something that he needed to sort out in his head, so i didn't probe anymore. I left it but could tell he still wasn't happy and it start to make me sad so i asked again a couple of days later.
He said that its not me and its him, he said that our relationship is 90% happy but 10% of the flare had just gone from the relationship. So we are trying to sort out what the 10% is but i am just wondering what else he could be hiding because he didn't say this at the start when i asked him. What i want to know is how i can help him and myself find the 10% that he says he is lost, i didn't know that he was feeling like this. I know he as been looking for new friends on the net as we are both not out and do not have any gay friends to socialize with and i just wonder if he as met somebody else which he my not have told me about, i asked and he said no. I trust him because i know that he was cheated on in his last relationship so i know he wouldn't do that to me as he knows how hard it is when breaking up.
I now feel lost and don't understand what i can do now so i guess i need to know what to do now, So what to do next?
Regards Tim
ANSWER: Hey Tim
I feel for you, and I understand the situation. It's always stressful when someone you love changes without explanation. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do about it until he is ready to talk about it, and he's clearly not ready yet. Hopefully he will be soon.
Another possibility is that he just doesn't know HOW to talk about it, because he may not understand what he's feeling himself. What you've described sounds a awful lot like some of the classic symptoms of clinical depression, which can be exacerbated by stress. In this case, it really would have nothing to do with you, but it is still serious, and could well affect you or your relationship.
One thing you should avoid, though, is personalizing his feelings. I know this can be hard when he's someone you care about, but his problems are not necessarily your problems, and by allowing yourself to take on his problems, it not only drags you down, but could further contribute to his stess, as he sees the negative effect he's having on you.
It's something he has to work out for himself, and hopefully he will trust you as his partner, and eventually clue you in when he's ready. Until then, don't push the issue. Just let him know you care, and that you're there for him like always before.
Tedd
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi there again Teddy,
Thank you for your reply, Yesterday i did some thinking and looked how he had been acting over the past 2 weeks again and all that went through my mind was that he could had cheated on me with a person we both had made as a friend from the net who is gay. So i did something so bad that is not me and looked at his phone this morning because i know sometimes he finds it hard to talk and open up to me, its always me that gets it going. so i did check his phone and it seems to me that the friend we both know as been involved with my boyfriend some how, they talked about that they had no regrets of what happened but i don't know what they had done, they talked about not saying anything to me and than on the other hand they said that they was going to say something. As i am aware they are not up to anything at this moment. The friend has just come back from his holiday and on the first Sunday of his holiday my boyfriend told me not to speak to him because he said they had fallen out and told me not to speak to him at all, this i found strange so this as been playing on my mind and one of the reasons why i checked his phone(our friend had been testing both of us from his holiday). So i didn't speak to our friend but find it very strange that day. So i know he as done something with this guy but my boyfriend his now libeling to me i did ask him the night when we talked about the 10% he lost in are relationship but he said it was just the 10%. I now know that this is more to the fact that he as done something with this guy i don't know what thou and i do trust him and i know that i shouldn't have looked at his phone but why could he not tell me that he had cheated on me then i would have know where i stand and we could have talked about it and what happened and see if the relationship could continue. I am so confused i don't know what to do i don't want to break up with my boyfriend but i just want to know why and how could he but i don't want him to know that i have looked at his phone. I was thinking of just asking our friend who he as done something with and seeing if he could open up to me as i have not asked him. I feel my boyfriend cant tell me because he knows what its like to be cheated on because he had been cheated on in the past. I think he hasn't told me what has happened just in cause i say we should break up and that he probably realize that he could lose me and that's why he cant come clean but now i know that some of the trust as gone and i am just as bad for checking is phone now.
So i need to know what to do next?, shall i come clean for invading his privacy and see what happens from there?
I look forward to your reply.
Regards
Tim
Answer Hi Tim
I'm glad o see that you accept responsibility for how serious a breach of privacy you've committed by checking his phone logs. That is a serious betrayal of trust. But now that you know, that's in the past.
I would try talking to him again, and imply that you suspect he's cheated on you, but without stating your reasons for saying so. If he's willing to talk about it, and you're okay with trying to save the relationship, it may still have a chance. That's because he seems truly remorseful for what he's done. If he's not willing to talk about it, you may just have to revisit the subject occasionally until he is ready to talk about it. The bottom line is, you can't force someone to do something he's not yet willing and able to do.
