AboutTedd Adams Expertise I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.
Experience I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above.
Publications Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano
Education/Credentials Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years, we have a good relationship and don't really argue. If we do then we talk about the problem and sort things out together. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend told me that he was down and fed up but didn't know why, he said it was nothing to do with me and that he was stressed out at work as he owns his own company (which i know can be stressful). I left it at that and helped him were i could and tried to relax him and talk about it. In that 2 weeks i could tell that he wasn't happy so i asked he said its something that he needed to sort out in his head, so i didn't probe anymore. I left it but could tell he still wasn't happy and it start to make me sad so i asked again a couple of days later.
He said that its not me and its him, he said that our relationship is 90% happy but 10% of the flare had just gone from the relationship. So we are trying to sort out what the 10% is but i am just wondering what else he could be hiding because he didn't say this at the start when i asked him. What i want to know is how i can help him and myself find the 10% that he says he is lost, i didn't know that he was feeling like this. I know he as been looking for new friends on the net as we are both not out and do not have any gay friends to socialize with and i just wonder if he as met somebody else which he my not have told me about, i asked and he said no. I trust him because i know that he was cheated on in his last relationship so i know he wouldn't do that to me as he knows how hard it is when breaking up.
I now feel lost and don't understand what i can do now so i guess i need to know what to do now, So what to do next?
Regards Tim
Answer Hey Tim
I feel for you, and I understand the situation. It's always stressful when someone you love changes without explanation. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do about it until he is ready to talk about it, and he's clearly not ready yet. Hopefully he will be soon.
Another possibility is that he just doesn't know HOW to talk about it, because he may not understand what he's feeling himself. What you've described sounds a awful lot like some of the classic symptoms of clinical depression, which can be exacerbated by stress. In this case, it really would have nothing to do with you, but it is still serious, and could well affect you or your relationship.
One thing you should avoid, though, is personalizing his feelings. I know this can be hard when he's someone you care about, but his problems are not necessarily your problems, and by allowing yourself to take on his problems, it not only drags you down, but could further contribute to his stess, as he sees the negative effect he's having on you.
It's something he has to work out for himself, and hopefully he will trust you as his partner, and eventually clue you in when he's ready. Until then, don't push the issue. Just let him know you care, and that you're there for him like always before.
