AboutTedd Adams Expertise I can answer questions related to gay life in general, but also specifically questions about gay youth, coming out, dealing with family issues, religion and homosexuality, and workplace issues. I have also visited many of the popular gay travel destinations and can give you advice on what is worth seeing and what is not.
Experience I have been a volunteer facilitator for a state-sponsored gay youth support group, where we dealt with all of the issues mentioned above.
Publications Tulsa World, Muskogee Phoenix, Tulsa Family News, About Business Magazine, Contributor to the book "I Can't Believe You Asked That!", by Phillip J. Milano
Education/Credentials Associates degree, Biblical Studies, Kentucky Christian College
Bachelors of Science, John Brown University, Psychology
Masters in Organizational Management, University of Phoenix (Tulsa OK campus).
Question Recently, my boyfriend and I had his foster brother spend a couple days with us. My boyfriend has lots of younger brothers and we like to take them out of the house once in a while so they can have some time away from their siblings. After he left though, I was on my computer and noticed he was searching some strange stuff. "Gay men sex", "blow job", "sexy gay models", various male teen celebrities topless, and other things. His family has kind of had suspicions that he's gay, but he's only 15 years old so we figured maybe he was just confused. They probably wouldn't have a problem with it, they don't seem like the kind of family that would reject him if he were gay. I thought that maybe when he figured out what was going on, he would let someone know, or ask some questions. But after seeing this, I'm afraid that he's learning about this stuff the wrong way. I haven't told anybody what I've found yet, it happened just today, I'm just wondering what I should do. Should I let someone else know or talk to him directly? Should I just leave him alone and figure it out for himself? I just don't like the idea of him finding information about being gay based on the searches he was doing. If he just asked someone, I'm sure someone could help him out. He may also be afraid to come out because he's a Christian. I'm just a little worried about him.
Answer Jan,
It's great that you are so concerned for him, and I'm glad to hear that his family would be supportive.
Based on what you've said, I think it's pretty clear that he is indeed gay. At 15, he's well old enough to know himself completely, and based on his computer searches, it seems he knows he's gay.
But coming out is a very personal decision, and one that each person has to do when he is ready to do so, not because someone else approaches him about it. That said, though, there are things you can do to encourage his coming out, specifically making him fully aware that doing so is safe.
This is done in the same way gay kids are told indirectly that it's NOT safe to come out in some households... that is, by the casual comments made by family members. When you see a story on the news about same-sex marriage, make positive comments about it. When talking to him about dating, don't use phrasing that assumes he'll date girls. He'll quickly understand that it's perfectly okay with the family that he's gay, and he'll feel comfortable coming out. The only reason people hide their sexuality is when they think they have something to fear by revealing it. If they know there's no reason to fear, that coming out process will happen much sooner, and he will be emotionally healthier for it.
If you approach him about what you've found on the computer, he'll see this as an invasion of his privacy (whether you meant to be nosy or not) and this may cause resentment. He did not intend for anyone to know about his searches, so it's best to pretend you know nothing. He'll come out when he's ready. Just lay the groundwork for making that as smooth as possible.
