AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question Where to start? I guess a tiny bit of background. I realized that I am gay in high school but didn't know anyone (who I knew) who was gay until I went to college. Up until this point and even until now I had really kind of wanted a boyfriend, but at the same time I'm also content on my own too. Anyways, once I got to college (which I am still in), I got pretty involved in the LGBT community (I volunteered, went to events, etc) and I even knew a good handful LGBT people who lived in my dorm, so it was the first time I had openly LGBT friends, and it was really a nice experience since I never really got to talk with other people about LGBT topics before. I think the nicest part was the LGBT resource center because there was always someone in there, programs were held there, and I was always meeting new people there.
But here's the problem. Since last year, due to the economy, the university administration cut a lot of funding to LGBT programs, women's programs, american indian programs, etc. So a lot of the programs they had last year are cancelled, the ones they do have conflicts with my busy schedule, and almost every time I go to the LGBT resource center it's locked (even during the hours it's supposed to be open) or no one's in there, and they don't host programs there anymore. It's so empty that it makes me sad. On top of that, the awesome Resource Center director we had before was released from his position (he was an interim director) and the new director doesn't seem very socially involved (just more administratively involved). I even offered to apply for a position in the RC because it was closed so often. He said he was hiring and to send him an email, but no matter how many times I emailed him, he never answered me and the very few times I see him in person (I've seen him like 2 out of the tens of times I've been there this year), he's too busy to talk to anyone. All of that led to me going to the RC very infrequently because, honestly, what's the point if no one's going to be there and nothing's going to be happening? And, of course, on top of that, all of the people I knew were gay in my dorm graduated or moved off campus where I never see them. I've been getting to know the new faces in my dorm, and they're nice, but I have yet to meet another openly LGBT community member in my dorm. Same goes for my classes and the couple of extra-circulars I go to. So my life has basically boiled down to classes, homework, relaxing when I can spare the time, and friends I know because of my classes/major/dorm/extracurriculars. So that leaves me back with virtually 0 people I am in contact with that I know are openly LGBT and it feels like I lost a shiny new component of my life I only recently got.
Of course, not even to mention the fact that it severely reduces the chances I'll get a boyfriend at all. Again, I'm fine on my own, but I've never had a boyfriend before, I think I'd really like to get one, and all my previous attempts to steer it that way outside the actually LGBT community (just befriending guys and then, if I decide I like them, try and gauge if they like me too or not) have basically crashed and burned (aka, they're straight). And it seems like over the past 3-4 years I've really tried a broad range of strategies too: I've tried seeking it out, I've decided I just want to make friends for the sake of making friends and if anything else came of it alright then, I've tried both of those within the LGBT community, I've tried doing nothing at all, and I've been in the situation more times than I liked where I accidentally fell literally in love with my best guy friend.
So I guess my question is really two. First what can I do to get openly LGBT friends and involved in the LGBT community again? (and my university is in a small town in the middle of nowhere, so no clubs, gay bookstores, etc, not that I'd go to clubs if they did have them) And two, what can I do to get a boyfriend? Because honestly it feels like no matter what I do or how I feel about the subject, I'm just waiting for lightning to strike me out of pure luck. Well, maybe that's a bit dramatized, but you get the picture. Oh, and probably a good qualification to put out there is that I'm a very introverted person, and though I enjoy the community stuff, I have to push myself to get myself out there (and I really pushed myself out there, especially last year. Or at least that's what I feel). I hope that the answer to both of those (or even one of them) isn't to just sit here and wait it out until I move on to another stage of my life because that would really suck. =<
Anyways, thank you for reading my long, ramble and I hope to hear a response soon. Thanks again.
Answer Hey there Chris!
While reading your letter I wondered just how tough your filters were to get through. It's not about your introvertedness (is that a word?), because I too am more of a shy guy (why do you think I volunteer on this site, it's easier to write to people than to talk), but you are an excellent example of someone that would be the catch of the year, if someone would just open their eyes! Back to your filters, what I mean by this is, do you think you're very picky when if comes to guys, as friends or even more? I don't mean that you should lower your standards (those type of guys are a dime a dozen in gayville!), I mean, don't you think that by trying to protect yourself from the bad crowd, your also keeping the good guys out?
I am mentioning this, because you seem to call yourself LGBT, not gay. Maybe, subconsciously people now see you as a LuGBuTt, and not a stunning gay oke looking for a laugh and maybe holding hands at the movies? Talking about socialising, the guys you would meet at a club would rarely be the ones you would like to start a relationship with anyway! Clubs are not bad places, but should never be the number one stop for all your boyfriend needs :-)
I would never also say that you should ride out the wave of life and hopefully bump into the surfer of your dreams. Life doesn't operate like that. You have to make things happen (even while riding out that wave you might have to steer yourself INTO that hunk of a surfer!) and have to make your happiness. If you make yourself a happy whole guy, other people (not just dudes) will pick up on it and say to themselves 'hey, this is a bloke I would like to hang with!'. From reading your letter you're probably like 80% there already, you're funny, well-spoken, intelligent not to mention gorgeous (no, I don't care how you look, gorgeousness comes from a different place)! So, you have the product (YOU!), you have the will, you just need a market with some buyers...
I always say, if you want to find someone you could be interested in, go find them at places you would like to hang in. Bookstores, parties at friend's homes, parties at the dorm, places you think you would find a guy like yourself. A better sort of crowd tend to hang there.
OK, so you live in a smaller town, but that doesn't really exist anymore with the internet. I mean, here you are chatting to me, and I live in South Africa! Why don't you try online social networks? Don't just upload your pics to Facebook, I mean really branch out, start a fan-page about something or someone you like. If you build it, they will come, as the saying goes.
So you don't like the online dating scene, and you don't have many house-parties to go to, and the local bookstore only houses old ladies with purple hair, well, then make one good girl friend, and let her be your 'agent'. Girls are awesome guy magnets, haha! Yes, it seems a little underhanded, but you can give the favour back by being her backup at bad dates! Every respectable gay guy needs a fag-hag :-p
I wish I could round up all the guys I reply to on here, and send them your way, because so many have the same sticky situation, Chris. What I am trying to say is, don't give up hope, there are others around you, also waiting for YOU to meet them. Get a strategy and try them one by one. But first, make yourself happy.
If you want to chat some more, I will always try to reply quickly. Talk about anything!
Good luck, this is such an excellent adventure you're on! I'm jealous!
