AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question QUESTION: Where to start? I guess a tiny bit of background. I realized that I am gay in high school but didn't know anyone (who I knew) who was gay until I went to college. Up until this point and even until now I had really kind of wanted a boyfriend, but at the same time I'm also content on my own too. Anyways, once I got to college (which I am still in), I got pretty involved in the LGBT community (I volunteered, went to events, etc) and I even knew a good handful LGBT people who lived in my dorm, so it was the first time I had openly LGBT friends, and it was really a nice experience since I never really got to talk with other people about LGBT topics before. I think the nicest part was the LGBT resource center because there was always someone in there, programs were held there, and I was always meeting new people there.
But here's the problem. Since last year, due to the economy, the university administration cut a lot of funding to LGBT programs, women's programs, american indian programs, etc. So a lot of the programs they had last year are cancelled, the ones they do have conflicts with my busy schedule, and almost every time I go to the LGBT resource center it's locked (even during the hours it's supposed to be open) or no one's in there, and they don't host programs there anymore. It's so empty that it makes me sad. On top of that, the awesome Resource Center director we had before was released from his position (he was an interim director) and the new director doesn't seem very socially involved (just more administratively involved). I even offered to apply for a position in the RC because it was closed so often. He said he was hiring and to send him an email, but no matter how many times I emailed him, he never answered me and the very few times I see him in person (I've seen him like 2 out of the tens of times I've been there this year), he's too busy to talk to anyone. All of that led to me going to the RC very infrequently because, honestly, what's the point if no one's going to be there and nothing's going to be happening? And, of course, on top of that, all of the people I knew were gay in my dorm graduated or moved off campus where I never see them. I've been getting to know the new faces in my dorm, and they're nice, but I have yet to meet another openly LGBT community member in my dorm. Same goes for my classes and the couple of extra-circulars I go to. So my life has basically boiled down to classes, homework, relaxing when I can spare the time, and friends I know because of my classes/major/dorm/extracurriculars. So that leaves me back with virtually 0 people I am in contact with that I know are openly LGBT and it feels like I lost a shiny new component of my life I only recently got.
Of course, not even to mention the fact that it severely reduces the chances I'll get a boyfriend at all. Again, I'm fine on my own, but I've never had a boyfriend before, I think I'd really like to get one, and all my previous attempts to steer it that way outside the actually LGBT community (just befriending guys and then, if I decide I like them, try and gauge if they like me too or not) have basically crashed and burned (aka, they're straight). And it seems like over the past 3-4 years I've really tried a broad range of strategies too: I've tried seeking it out, I've decided I just want to make friends for the sake of making friends and if anything else came of it alright then, I've tried both of those within the LGBT community, I've tried doing nothing at all, and I've been in the situation more times than I liked where I accidentally fell literally in love with my best guy friend.
So I guess my question is really two. First what can I do to get openly LGBT friends and involved in the LGBT community again? (and my university is in a small town in the middle of nowhere, so no clubs, gay bookstores, etc, not that I'd go to clubs if they did have them) And two, what can I do to get a boyfriend? Because honestly it feels like no matter what I do or how I feel about the subject, I'm just waiting for lightning to strike me out of pure luck. Well, maybe that's a bit dramatized, but you get the picture. Oh, and probably a good qualification to put out there is that I'm a very introverted person, and though I enjoy the community stuff, I have to push myself to get myself out there (and I really pushed myself out there, especially last year. Or at least that's what I feel). I hope that the answer to both of those (or even one of them) isn't to just sit here and wait it out until I move on to another stage of my life because that would really suck. =<
Anyways, thank you for reading my long, ramble and I hope to hear a response soon. Thanks again.
ANSWER: Hey there Chris!
While reading your letter I wondered just how tough your filters were to get through. It's not about your introvertedness (is that a word?), because I too am more of a shy guy (why do you think I volunteer on this site, it's easier to write to people than to talk), but you are an excellent example of someone that would be the catch of the year, if someone would just open their eyes! Back to your filters, what I mean by this is, do you think you're very picky when if comes to guys, as friends or even more? I don't mean that you should lower your standards (those type of guys are a dime a dozen in gayville!), I mean, don't you think that by trying to protect yourself from the bad crowd, your also keeping the good guys out?
I am mentioning this, because you seem to call yourself LGBT, not gay. Maybe, subconsciously people now see you as a LuGBuTt, and not a stunning gay oke looking for a laugh and maybe holding hands at the movies? Talking about socialising, the guys you would meet at a club would rarely be the ones you would like to start a relationship with anyway! Clubs are not bad places, but should never be the number one stop for all your boyfriend needs :-)
I would never also say that you should ride out the wave of life and hopefully bump into the surfer of your dreams. Life doesn't operate like that. You have to make things happen (even while riding out that wave you might have to steer yourself INTO that hunk of a surfer!) and have to make your happiness. If you make yourself a happy whole guy, other people (not just dudes) will pick up on it and say to themselves 'hey, this is a bloke I would like to hang with!'. From reading your letter you're probably like 80% there already, you're funny, well-spoken, intelligent not to mention gorgeous (no, I don't care how you look, gorgeousness comes from a different place)! So, you have the product (YOU!), you have the will, you just need a market with some buyers...
I always say, if you want to find someone you could be interested in, go find them at places you would like to hang in. Bookstores, parties at friend's homes, parties at the dorm, places you think you would find a guy like yourself. A better sort of crowd tend to hang there.
OK, so you live in a smaller town, but that doesn't really exist anymore with the internet. I mean, here you are chatting to me, and I live in South Africa! Why don't you try online social networks? Don't just upload your pics to Facebook, I mean really branch out, start a fan-page about something or someone you like. If you build it, they will come, as the saying goes.
So you don't like the online dating scene, and you don't have many house-parties to go to, and the local bookstore only houses old ladies with purple hair, well, then make one good girl friend, and let her be your 'agent'. Girls are awesome guy magnets, haha! Yes, it seems a little underhanded, but you can give the favour back by being her backup at bad dates! Every respectable gay guy needs a fag-hag :-p
I wish I could round up all the guys I reply to on here, and send them your way, because so many have the same sticky situation, Chris. What I am trying to say is, don't give up hope, there are others around you, also waiting for YOU to meet them. Get a strategy and try them one by one. But first, make yourself happy.
If you want to chat some more, I will always try to reply quickly. Talk about anything!
Good luck, this is such an excellent adventure you're on! I'm jealous!
Adriaan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: This is a follow up to an answer. And thank you again for your prompt response. ( ^ ___ ^ )
You asked whether I thought I was picky or not when it comes to friends and whatnot. Honestly I'm the kind of person that is kind of cold on the outside until I get to know the person (because of shyness/ingrained momentum against really getting to know new people). It isn't intentional, but I have been told by people that have gotten to know me that they didn't like me at first, but after they got to know me, liked me as a person. In terms of boyfriends, I don't really think it's a conscious decision. I end up liking who I end up liking, and it's honestly something I can't plan. It's something that I'm not aware of until it already starts to take effect. But once I know someone, I'm very friendly. I think more than anything, though, is that I've always been a very anti-touching person (like even on the arm, hugs and things like that). I get very uncomfortable if someone touches me when I don't expect them to and by the same token I'm uncomfortable about touching other people. I mean, I see hypothetical situations where I would be comfortable with it, but I would have to really really trust the person.
So maybe I'm confusing to people because I'm much more slow moving in the beginning but then am faster moving afterwards? Because I've noticed that the amount I like someone directly correlates to how much time I want to spend with them, so the people I really like end up getting sick of seeing me. XP Another factor might be that I have I'm completely clueless about flirting (to the point where I don't really know anything about it), so I imagine I'd come as naive, awkward, and/or clumsy at the same time in any romantic situation. In all honestly, I'm one of those guys where, if I end up liking a guy, I don't do anything for like months because (1) I'm scared of what he'd think/say and (2) I have no idea what to do or how to go about it. And honestly, if someone just tried popping something romantic on me out of the blue, I'd be really caught off guard and not know how to respond at all (probably due to my complete lack of experience). But, yes, I do identify as gay, openly so. Most people that know me know that. I mean it's not blatantly obvious, but it always seems to come up in conversation in one way or another, and I see absolutely no reason to conceal it, so I never do.
Comments to your other suggestions: I've tried the online thing about 3 or 4 times before and it didn't work out well, with results ranging from me not really getting anywhere to me starting to form some kind of attachment to only have it shattered. I don't know, I haven't had any luck there, so should I continue trying there? For some reason, girls usually end up being my best friends, especially the take-no-crap ones (our personalities seem to get along for whatever reason), but none of them so far really knew any gay guys besides myself when I asked them. Do I make different girl friends or...?
Again, sorry for the sprawling nature of this message and thanks.
Answer Hey again Chris!
I must again say, you could be my twin where emotional responses and things go. I too like it more to be in control of my immediate environment and it even went so far as to my default response to anything that happened around me would be 'no'. For instance, someone would ask me if I want to join a bunch of friend for a barbecue and my response would first off be 'I don't know' or 'I can't', even if I had nothing on, especially if the question is thrown at me unexpectedly. Only after careful thought I would then come back sometimes and tell them I'll make it. It's a defense mechanism really. You want to be the one that control (not in the bad sense!) the situation rather than just doing. You like to take every situation, look at it from all sides, have an escape route ready and all that before you commit to something. This has now flowed over into your human interaction as well.
It's not a bad quality, and in certain situations (and certain jobs and so on) it works brilliantly, but when it comes to human relationships, it can be a hindrance, unless you meet someone that does things the same way you do, or you meet someone that just don't let it affect them (like your no-nonsense friends). Most guys would read your hesitance incorrectly as uninterested and move on.
About the online thing, the nice thing about it is that it's constantly changing, new people is added every day and old ones leave. I wouldn't make online dating my main source of finding friends/guys, but maybe you could keep the channel open as it were, check up on it every week or so? You have nothing to lose really, just don't be one of those obsessive online dating guys!
As for girlfriends that aren't helping with the guy-finding business, I wouldn't say get new ones, hehe, that sounds a bit underhanded! Just try to branch out, make friends with THEIR friends too, and so on, the broader you can search the better.
It feels like I haven't helped at all here, created more questions than answers, Chris. Let me give you some honest advice. If you're not going to let someone in, no one will. Looking for love is risky, it was never designed to be easy, otherwise it would not be worth so much. As the saying goes, you need to let people in. You don't need to control all of them, just relax a little when it comes to guys. It's not a big conspiracy, not every guy is out to hurt you :-)
Also, trust me, once a guy has held you close in a hug, or held you while watching a DVD on the couch, you would not want to be untouched ever again. The electricity in a touch, all the senses on high alert, taking in everything from your partner, his touch, smell, sounds, sights, it's something that can only be described as love.
