Expert: Gary - 10/16/2009

Question
I am a professional who happened to meet another professional man when he happened to have rented an office next to mine. When he stepped out of his office we immediately locked eyes for about 30 sec after which he grinned broadly and introduced himself. I felt smitten and am sure I was rather transparent about it. I had been invited to a barbeque that evening and in a distinct departure of character for me, I found myself asking him togo with me. He agreed and in a roomful of people we seemed only to have eyes for each other. Our conversation flowed freely and we never ran out of things to discuss. We parted ways after talking for a bit outside. Two weeks later he asked if he could help me move into my new apartment. I said yes and he flew up to my new city just to help me. He was so sweet. We also took time to go hiking and sightseeing. I found myself developing feelings for him . That was 7 years ago and he was then married toa woman who is an ex-wife now. I have always been open about my attraction to men and he has always seemed interested in the conversation although he interjects some statement about how attrractive a certain girl might be from time to time. He once told me I reminded him of an old girlfriend of his that was such a "beautiful person, in and out". We would go on dinner dates to intimate restaurants where I would have a private menu printed in just our names. He would always treat me sort of like a lady by holding out my chair, doors open, ordering dinner for both of us and generally being sweet. He invited me to his house where he would cook a sumptuous dinner and compliment me on how I looked. We had a bit of a falling out over a business deal gone sour but even then I felt we knew we still felt love for each other. Prior to the fallout, I wrote "I love you" on a napkin and gave it to him . He sort of freaked out and said "Never say that!" although at the same time he seemed to like it.

I was the one who called it off because I felt bad about his behavior with the business we collaborated on. He told me he still wanted to see me but I did rebuff him. Now, 5 years after we first met, I reached out to him and invited him to dinner. To my pleaurable surprise he agreed and again we had a marvelous time with never ending meaningful conversation. He has been to my apartment and I have insisted that we hug rather than shake hands when we take leave. The bottom line question for you is this:

I don't really think this guy is straight; do you?

I know he finds me attractive as I him (We are both considered attractive men)

Recenbtly we flew on the same plane but separate seats. I arranged for a cocktail to be sent to him in coach (we had separate reservations)and I was pretty obvious in my sending a drink to my "boyfriend" per the flight attendents. he seemed to enjoy that.

We have another dinner date coming up.

How should I proceed at this point.

He does have a family (kids) although he is not married)

I am married but I have always been open about my sexuality, including my wife. She would rather I just be with her but it is important to me that I be true to my nature. I love this man and want to pursue a dating relationship with him. I have no interest in leaving my wife at present as I love her too. Recently I had an acute illness and was hospitalized. He came to visit me and while surprised that my grown son was visiting me when he arrived, still left me flowers and chocolates. My son is cool with how I am and knows I have feelings for men.I thought that was so sweet.

What do you think?

Answer
Donie,

I must say this is an interesting situation to say the least. You mention that your wife is fine with you liking men but is she also fine with you having a sexual relationship with one as well? Is a sexual relationship with this man what you are after? Because if you love your wife and are still married would she accept that?

I think from what you have told me it's obvious this man knows you like men and he also knows you know he does as well. So I'm not quite sure what answers you are looking for? If you are asking me if I think he likes men I would have to say yes from what you have told me about him.
(It's very rare for straight men to bring each other flowers and candy.)  

If you want to have a dating relationship with this man I think it's important to see if this is going to be acceptable to your wife. You mention that she would prefer you be with just her so if you truly love her why would you want to have a relationship with him as well when you know that is not something that would make her happy?

I think in this situation I am focusing mainly on your wife because although you talk about being true to your nature I think you also have to be true to her. You married her and made a commitment (including having a son with her.) If you truly love this man and want to be with him I think you first need to let your wife know that and offer her the opportunity to find someone that will love her exclusively as well. I think she also deserves to be happy. It seems a bit selfish to not think more about her feelings before making a choice like this. Whatever you decide to do please consider her feelings (and your son's) before making a decision. Your choice will ultimately effect other people too.

Good Luck.