AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
where should i begin.. here it goes. i'm in love with my best friend. we both know about ourselves in our social standing- we're not straight. we had sex several times but none of us made any attempt to establish a relationship and so we did it again and again without strings attached. i wanted this to flourish into a relationship but i never know how.
i thought if i stood up to him and ask him out for a real date he'll refuse and avoid me, for a long time. i'll try to explain why i thought so. one is that everytime after we make out, he'll leave quick, without staying back to have a few more chats, cuddles or conversations. so i feel toyed. he really do have mood swings. one day he's darn cheerful with dashes of wits and jokes the other he's quickly gone with the wind without any trace. surprisingly, we've been friends since our senior high.
two is that i'm very much less of a verbal person. i stay quiet during outings, lunch and many other occasions. many would find it extraordinarily boring and dreadful to be out with me, even my own friends. cut it short, its really difficult for me to express any suggestion about a relationship as he is EQUALLY silent when we're both alone. probably its that we've known each other for very many years. he'd be rather talkative and comfortable when he's with his close girl friends.
i really hope things could turn out to be more interesting. now that we've resided under the same roof, we talk lesser and lesser by the day. sometimes i thought real hard on how to spark a conversation but my mind is filled with nothing but in a state of emptiness. i'm not the type who'll make the first move. it is difficult whenever the thought that he might not be in the mood to talk about things like this or its the wrong time or any tiny paranoid thoughts like this. sometimes i really do wonder if i'm insane for thinking of so many unnecessary stuff! i really can't come up with any interesting ideas to share with him. i've been so detached that i'm beginning to feel he's losing interest.
so, what suggestions have you got for a less communicative person like i am to create my own fable that has yet to realise? what i'm good at is on books and internet. oh i'm so hot, not!
thanks!
ryan
ANSWER: Hello there Ryan!
Well, first off I think you are a very interesting, funny and witty guy, so any guy would love to meet you and be interested, so put that part to rest ok? Oh, and you're hot too! ... You thought looks were involved in hotness? Common misconception, looks are a bonus, the hotness comes from the burning fire inside you. You got, just need to put it to use I think!
Maybe you're not a quiet and shy guy, maybe you're just mysterious... Maybe you're not just good with books and the 'net, maybe you're well-read and a tech-guru! It's all in knowing how to sell it, Ryan :-) If you want to keep him, then you need to keep him interested. Have you tried to get him interested in your stuff? And what about his stuff, does he have similar interests or different ones? Both are good, the tactics just change.
You don't need to make the first move every time, but sometimes would be nice. Other times, just show him you want him to make a move, give him a smile or a look, or something that will make him wonder what you're thinking (even if you're thinking of nothing!),as long as he THINKS you are. Mystery!
Also remember, Ryan, it's not worth it of you have to do all the work on your own. Relationships come from two sides. You might be able to carry the relationship on your own for a while, but sooner or later you will have to get his help. If he isn't prepared to help, then there's no real point. I mean, he should want it too, just like you!
Adriaan
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: hi,
it worked!tried approaching him the way you suggested. well, we had a great time in bed but he's gone the next morning. i guess he's just for sex and solely for sex. i overheard him talking to another guy on the internet for the past two days. really long chat from bursting into laughter to teasing with banters. it lasted for hours! i can't help it but to admit that i'm feeling green with jealousy. i know that guy, he's not desirable, at all! i'm not talking out of jealousy but its true he's more to excessed weight and pretends to be an actor/model. i'm confident i'm better than he is but why is it that i'm not getting equal attention as he does? i'd be happy if only we're also close when we're not in bed. i'd rather have less sex and more one to one talk. do you see a possible relationship or am i being played?
Answer Hello again Ryan
Two words: Get out! It doesn't matter how good it feels when you two are together, you should be feeling the same way when you're NOT together, if that makes sense. Let me try and explain: If you two are seperate, like during the day at work or classes or wherever, you are supposed to have that feeling of anticipation when you're going to see him again, not have thoughts of 'I wonder who he is chatting up today'. This is what I meant with you carrying the relationship on your own. He is definitely not pulling his weight, Ryan.
I think, your friend is just not ready for a relationship currently, and he might be feeling that he needs to still try out different things, with different people. For whatever reason he is giving for that, it's all probably valid, but it's not what YOU want from a relationship, right? Then I would suggest you end it, unless you want to keep it just physical between you two. Many guys go for that kind of thing. I myself am more of a romantic, the sex is a way to round off the romance, not the reason why I like someone.
If you want to know the reasons, you can choose to confront him, let him burst out in anger (he probably will) and tell you how he feels really (one cannot lie when one is angry :) ). Then you will know the reasons and can act on them.
