AboutAdriaan Pretorius Expertise Any questions on how to come out, handling people close to you, handling the pressures of being gay in society, going out, seeking a partner, etc. are welcome. I live in South Africa and may have a unique perspective on gay live, as gays do not live openly and have been scorned for a long time here. If you need to speak to someone, and no one wants to listen, I will try my best to be a friend when you have none.
Experience I am a gay male who have lived the life as someone that had to hide it from everyone for a long time until coming out some years back. I know how it feels to be 'in' and 'out' and have had diverse experiences in relationships. I have had friends who hated gay life, gay bashers, friends who understood me.
Education/Credentials I have a postgraduate degree in Science. I have worked together with and currently work with homosexual and heterosexuals in my environment.
Question Hi. Let's just call me B. I have been seeing a guy on and off over a period of 2 years. He has broken up with me twice. I'm in Media and Advertising and he is doing his final year as an intern. When we broke up the first time, I had to move out and went through heavy financial strain. He locked me out. I remember having to go to work in the same clothes because he locked the bedrooms. The second time we broke up was because one of his friends hit on me during dinner (he brushed his leg against mine twice). My boyfriend felt that I should have told him and immediately left the restaurant. I don't associate with his friends anymore. Again, I had to move out and find myself a place.
He has scrolled through my phone 3 times. And each time he finds a text message from a male friend of mine, he get’s passive aggressive. He’ll say nothing the entire night, only to send me a long text the following morning when I am on my way to work.
Each time I visit him, I have to brace myself because his place is always a mess. Dishes in the sink, clothes lying around and an un-made bed. He says cleaning to him is un-important and he’ll only clean when the mess becomes unbearable (to him)
He doesn’t cook. I cook. When he is on call, I take him lunch, energy drinks and snacks. I also used to clean his place until recently.
On the two occasions when we broke up, he told me he despises me and that I was selfish.
This is the third time we are trying to make us work, I was willing to give it a shot, until he searched my cell phone again.
He said he had an instinct that I was cheating. I never cheat.
Each day, I wake up and give him a kiss, “morning baby” how was your day?
Each time I visit him to spend the night, I greet him with a kiss.
He says he loves me. I love him too.
But I think he is not in love with me. He loves what I do for him. The cleaning, the cooking, the lunch treats… I am also his means of transport because he doesn’t have a car.
I feel I love him for the assistance he has to offer financially. Because we live apart, about 70 km, I cannot afford driving back and forth to visit him so often. And on occasion, he has helped me out of a tight spot or two.
I think he feels justified to treat me this way because of the financial assistance he has given me.
I’ve stopped asking for his assistance, yet he still insists he wants to help.
When we broke up, he demanded I pay him back his money, so I’m not sure I’m comfortable accepting his help any more.
So I told him he loves me because I mother him. And I think I am attracted to him because he was like my Dad (who was always there “financially” but completely unavailable emotionally)
I have suggested we take a break, because I need time to think and I also think he needs time to do some soul searching of his own.
He said he was too tire to talk but a few minutes later, he wanted to have sex.
I get angry. And he keeps on saying I hide things from him. The “things” he is referring to are my financial difficulties. I don’t want to tell him because, if he helps me, I’m indebted to him and I have to pay him back, either by the cooking, the sex and being his personal chauffeur.
I suggested we see a therapist after our most recent break. I searched for therapists, and he said he was too busy to look.
When we started seeing each other after our first break up, I told him that I had plans to leave the country (immigrate to the UK) He said he would come with me, but later on decided it’s too great a risk to take.
Last night, he said to me, I had given up on our relationship and that I was being un-realistic about us because I am planning on leaving the country.
I’m helping him get his license, making calls for him to get an affordable second hand car. I feel we have different visions and that we cannot be together if we know that we are soon going to part.
I’ve been neglecting myself to care for him. I’ve asked him to help me gain weight. My Dr said that I need to increase my BMI, I am 1.80m tall and weigh just below sixty.
I tend not to eat when I get depressed.
Answer Hello there B
I will call you that, because you didn't make your question private, so it might be 'published' of sorts on the website, if the administrators think it's what they're looking for, which means your boyfriend might read it some time. If you want me to remove it, I can ask them to.
Right, let's focus on your issues here, B. My short answer to you would be, why on earth are you still with him! Leave now! But this is of course a decision you need to take yourself. A relationship comes from both sides. Yes, you have to work at it, sometimes more than others, and sometimes you will do all the work, and sometimes both will work together, but it sounds to me that he doesn't do his part at all.
If you have to give him something when he is there for you financially, don't you think it sounds a little like prostitution of sorts? Wanting to do stuff for him is supposed to come from you liking/loving him, not from guilt! You are allowed to spoil him rotten, but not because he filled your car with petrol!
It also seems that he tends to give you the answers you want to hear, just to keep you around. He uses a sort of tug-of-war strategy. First he tells/shows you just how bad things CAN get, then he shows you a not-so-bad alternative (but still not satisfactory to your standards), and you have to pick one. So you pick the not-so-bad one and are left with this feelings of being ripped off emotionally.
I don't know what your reasons are for having stayed so long with him. You probably love him, and you can probably keep the relationship going on your own for a while, but you cannot keep it going on your own forever. He need to step up. I don't mean he needs to change his style (like a messy home), because that is his way of living and although it's not YOUR style and probably not socially excepted, it is who he is, and you need to be able to accept that of him. The counter is true too. If you accept HIS style, then he needs to accept yours too. Currently, I don't think he wants to and I am not sure he'll ever do.
It also sounds to me that he is keeping you around (for lack of a better statement) because you're familiar and he needs that right now. He doesn't want to be alone and he knows you will stay, he just needs to say the right stuff and you won't leave. He seems a bit confused about things in his life? Maybe he has too many things and can't handle it all, so he uses you as the stability he craves. But is this fair to you?
If my boyfriend handled me the way you handle him, I would have treated him like a prince!
B, I say again, it comes from two sides. There is no point in loving someone if he doesn't love you back. If he says he loves you, let him prove it. And NO, proving love is NOT sex for hours on end, making love is a way of showing you how MUCH you love someone, not THAT you love someone! You have to love someone first before you can show them how much :-)
If you want to chat some more, I will try to reply quickly, B. Anytime, OK? I wish you luck, tell me what happens!
